Chapter 34 Kailin
KAILIN
I shouldn't be writing this. These feelings shouldn't exist, let alone be immortalized on paper. But my heart is too full, and my mind won't quiet until I pour some of this out.
Today I saw Alar smile—really smile, not the controlled, slight lifting of the lips he usually does that never reaches his eyes.
Tonight, the smile reached all the way up and transformed his whole face.
I had to sketch it. I had to capture that rare moment when he looked happy and carefree and not like someone who has the weight of the entire world resting on his shoulders.
I know all the reasons why I shouldn't allow Alar into my heart, but it refuses to listen to reason. I'm like that stupid mountain goat in Morek's story, dreaming of flying like a dragon without wings.
—From the journal of Kailin Strom
Sleep refused to come. The cave was quiet except for the soft sounds of breathing and occasional snores, but my mind wouldn't settle. I was too aware of Alar lying just a few feet away, his presence like a lodestone pulling at my senses.
Earlier by the stream, we'd almost kissed, but I couldn't think about that. Couldn't let myself dwell on how his hands had felt warming mine or how close we'd been to committing a grave offense before we were interrupted.
That guy had saved us a lot of trouble because I don't think either of us could've stopped what had been coming.
At that moment, nothing else had mattered.
I hadn't cared about the pilgrimage or the inevitable heartache when Alar returned to Eluria.
The only thing I could think about was how his lips would feel on mine, and if I cared to be honest with myself, a lot more than that.
I shifted in my sleeping bag, trying to find a comfortable position, but it was all for naught. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Alar's face in the torchlight and felt the ghost of his touch on my hands.
Shovia mumbled something in her sleep and turned over, unconsciously shifting closer to Codric.
Even in slumber, they seemed drawn to each other.
I envied their easy connection, the way they could just enjoy whatever was building between them without overthinking everything or worrying about the future.
They knew how to live in the moment.
But I wasn't like Shovia. I couldn't just ignore the consequences.
And there would be consequences. If caught, we could get kicked out of the pilgrimage, but even if we weren't, Elu was all-knowing, and he would punish us for transgressing.
Our god was as vindictive as he was forgiving, and as harsh as he was merciful. I wasn't devout, but I didn't dare transgress when my very life was on the line.
Suddenly, my sleeping bag felt stifling, the air felt too thick with smoke from the fire, and my chest felt too tight. I needed space, air, room to think.
As quietly as possible, I extracted myself from my cocoon.
The floor was cold beneath my feet as I stood, and I debated whether to put my boots on or continue in my socked feet.
My blisters begged me to avoid the boots, and I listened to them.
The socks would be ruined, but I had several pairs in my pack.
I grabbed one of the torches from its wall bracket and looked toward the back of the cave, where it forked into the one leading to the pool. I'd noticed several passages branching off it and decided to go exploring. Maybe the air would be cleaner there, and walking would help clear my head.
"Going somewhere?"
Alar's whispered question nearly made me drop the torch. I turned to find him propped up on one elbow, watching me with those impossibly blue eyes of his.
"I can't sleep," I whispered back. "I thought I'd explore a bit."
He was already reaching for his boots. "I'll come with you."
"Don't." As before, the word came out sharper than I'd intended. "You don't need to lose sleep because of me. I won't be long."
"I can't sleep either." He pulled on his boots and stood, moving with a quiet grace that seemed at odds with his size. "Besides, if you want to go exploring, you shouldn't do it alone. There could be unstable areas deeper in."
I wanted to argue, to tell him to go back to sleep, but he was already standing with his boots on, and I knew that my words would fall on deaf ears.
Besides, he had a point. It might be dangerous there, or I might get lost, and no one would even know where to look for me. Not that it would help if we both got lost, but it was better than getting lost alone.
"Fine," I finally said.
"Don't you want to put your boots on?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I want to give my feet a break."
He looked like he wanted to say something but then changed his mind.
As I made my way toward the back of the cave and the passage I'd noticed earlier, Alar fell into step beside me.
"How did you know which tunnel to take?" he asked.
"Air flow." I lifted my free hand, feeling the slight current. "This one seems to have better circulation."
The light from my torch was making the crystalline formations in the cave's walls glitter, lending it an almost magical appearance.
He smiled. "Do you know a lot about caves?"
"I grew up in these mountains. Basic survival knowledge is part of our education."
"Along with how to fight off Shedun attacks?"
I tensed at the reference to that night. "All Elucians are trained to defend themselves from a young age, but what I did that night wasn't part of the curriculum. It was just survival."
We walked in silence for a while, the only sounds Alar's footsteps and the distant drip of water. The passage widened into a small chamber where mineral deposits had formed delicate columns that seemed to glow in the torchlight.
"It's beautiful," Alar murmured, reaching out to touch one of the formations.
"Be careful," I warned. "Some of these took thousands of years to form."
He drew his hand back. "Sorry. I'm not accustomed to being in nature." He gestured at our surroundings. "We have nothing like this in Vedona."
There was something in his voice—a longing or regret—that made me look at him more closely. "Do you miss it?"
"Parts of it." He leaned against the wall, his expression thoughtful. "But the truth is that I always felt restless in the city. It was like I was destined for something else."
I smiled. "Of course. You dreamt of becoming a dragon rider."
He met my eyes, and even in the dim light, I could see the conflict in his gaze.
"I felt compelled by the desire to soar through the sky, but also a duty to explore my potential.
" He ran a hand through his hair. "I guess I needed a change of pace.
" He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
"Sometimes duty and desire mesh well together, but sometimes they collide. "
His fingers lingered against my cheek, and I found myself leaning into his touch before I could stop myself. "What does that mean?"
"It means that I shouldn't be here with you right now," he said softly. "But I can't help the pull I feel toward you."
My heart thundered in my chest as he stepped closer, his other hand coming up to cup my face. I knew I should step back, put distance between us, but my body refused to move.
"Alar..." His name came out as barely a breath.
"Tell me to stop," he murmured, his thumb brushing across my cheekbone. "Tell me we shouldn't."
"We shouldn't." But I was already lifting my face to his, drawn by that same magnetic pull I'd felt by the stream.
"It's not allowed. We can get kicked out of the pilgrimage for this.
Or worse…" And yet, I didn't pull away; if anything, I came closer and lifted my lips to his in a blatant invitation.
This time, there was no one to interrupt us, and as his lips met mine, it was with infinite gentleness that made my heart ache, a soft exploration that quickly deepened into something more urgent.
I felt him pull the torch from my hand, and then I found myself pressed against the cave wall, with my hands fisting his shirt.
He kissed me like a man drowning, like he was trying to memorize every moment, every sensation. And I kissed him back with equal desperation, knowing this shouldn't be happening and that it could never happen again, but unable to stop myself from wanting it now.
When we finally broke apart, we were both breathing heavily, and then reality came crashing back. I pushed away from the wall, away from him, my lips still tingling and my chest tight with regret.
"We shouldn't have," I said, hating how shaky my voice sounded. "This can't happen again."
"Kailin..." He reached for me, but I stepped back.
"Are you angry at me?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I wanted this as much as you did, and we've both sinned. I just hope Elu will forgive our momentary loss of reason and won't punish us."
A smile lifted his lips. "I'm sure Elu will understand and forgive."
I snorted. "Elu is not like Elurion. He punishes sinners, sometimes severely. It's not wise to anger him."
Alar leaned toward me. "I'm sure it wasn't Elu's rule to forbid food and other bodily pleasures on this pilgrimage. Those are human rules."
Normally, I wouldn't have argued with that because I believed the same, but given how perilous our journey was, I wasn't keen on taking chances.
"Even if you are right about that, and I'm not saying that you are, you're leaving after the pilgrimage and going back to Vedona.
Our paths will diverge whether we like it or not. "
The only possible exception was both of us making it to the Dragon Force, but that was so unlikely that it wasn't even worth mentioning.
"I know." His hands fell to his sides, and the defeat in his voice made my throat tighten. "You're right, of course. This was..."
"A mistake," I finished when he trailed off. "One we won't repeat."
But even as I said the words, I knew they were a lie. The taste of him lingered on my lips, and my body still hummed with the memory of his touch. Whatever was growing between us couldn't be dismissed so easily.
"We should go back," I said, reaching for the torch. "Before someone notices we're gone."
He nodded but made no move to follow as I started back down the passage. After a moment, I heard his footsteps behind me.
The walk back seemed longer, heavier with all the things we weren't saying. By the time we reached the main cavern, the silence between us felt like a physical weight.
Our sleeping bags were where we'd left them, our companions still sleeping. Nothing had changed, really. Except everything had.
I took off my ruined socks and slipped back into my bag without looking at him, but I could feel his eyes on me as I turned away. Sleep would be even more impossible now, but I kept my breathing steady and even until I heard him settle into his bag.
Only then did I let myself touch my lips, still sensitive from his kiss.
In the morning, we would pretend this had never happened. We would go back to being just friends, nothing more.
But for now, in the darkness, I let myself remember the way he'd looked at me, the way he'd said my name, the way he'd kissed me like I was something precious and dangerous all at once.