Chapter 21
Hush
True to his word, Brad had kept his mouth shut to the cops. We knew because of the distinct lack of law enforcement showing up, insisting we give statements. It’d been a few days since everything had happened and the excitement was dying down.
Jake was on the mend, his stores were safe, and I was slowly going out of my mind. I paced the living room area of the clubhouse because I had nothing else to do with my time.
Lockout’s eyes were following me, but he hadn’t said anything. In fact, everyone had done exactly what I’d asked for once. Over the last few days they’d finally left me alone. It didn’t comfort me. Instead, I was left waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This was always the problem with this lifestyle.
The adrenaline and excitement was an addiction.
In some sense you would seek it out, always wanting more.
In another, it sought you out. The lull in between fights was the worst. You couldn’t just switch it off.
When things were quiet your instincts were still revved up to ten.
The door to the clubhouse burst open with a bang, signaling that second shoe I’d been waiting on. My gun was in my hand before I’d even realized I’d reached for it.
“Hush!”
I’d know that squeal anywhere. “Ariana?” I tucked the Glock away. Striding over to her, I pulled her into my arms and lifted her up into a bear hug. Her husband, Rat, stood holding their twins in each arm, laughing. “What the hell are you two doin’ here?”
Ari’s eyes drifted over to Lockout before she looked back at me with the slightest hint of guilt in them. “We figured we’d take a vacation.”
Rat was a part of The Viking’s Rampage MC over in Texas. He was a part of the club I’d spent a couple years with while I was sorting my shit out.
I gave Ari a hard look, all while she still dangled in my arms. “You’re a mafia princess. You aren’t supposed to be a shitty liar.”
Her laugh was good natured. “It’s a good thing Abel took over the family empire then.”
Her father, Sal, had gotten mixed up with the MC’s enemies.
We didn’t know that when we’d agreed to have one of our members go through with an arranged marriage to one of Sal’s daughters.
It turned out fine, though, because Ari and Rat fell in love, Sal was dispatched, and her brother Abel became the new Don.
The day she’d come to live at the clubhouse, I’d gained a close friend. We’d both been outsiders and when she needed advice, I’d stepped in and handed it to her. We’d bonded pretty closely after that. If I’d ever had the opportunity to have a daughter, I would have wanted her to be like Ari.
“How are your sisters?” I asked, finally setting her on her feet and taking one of the twins from Rat.
“They’re good. If they had their way they’d have stayed here in Tucson. Thanks again for protecting them when we needed it,” she said to Lockout as he walked up for his own hug.
“My pleasure. If they ever want to come for a visit they’re always welcome.”
Lockout took Roman out of his dad’s arm and cuddled him close. Before I could blink Riptide had snatched Isabella from me.
“Hey!”
“Go get these two set up in a room, Hush. You can hang with the babies later,” Lockout ordered.
Grumbling, I motioned for them to follow me. Rat grunted when Ari smacked him with the back of her hand right in his gut. “I’m going to go grab our stuff from the car,” he said, sounding as uncomfortable as I was beginning to feel.
Ari beamed at him. “Good idea, Honey. Come on, Hush,” she said, looping her arm through mine and dragging me to the stairs. It was a trap. I realized now that I’d been set up.
I looked over my shoulder and found all the men watching us with matching grins. Shooting them a glare, I let Ari haul me up the stairs. “Up on the left,” I told her as she pulled us into one of the guest rooms and shut the door behind us.
She turned to face me, hands on her hips, eyes narrowed. “Now. What’s going on?”
“Huh?”
“Don’t play dumb with me, Hush. I got a call from Lockout saying I needed to come talk some sense into you.” She leveled a determined look on me.
Muttering under my breath about his interference, I folded my arms over my chest. “He shouldn’t have called you out here for that.”
“Well, I love you and I want to help.” She went over, convinced I wasn’t going to run out the door, and sat on the bed. Patting the comforter next to her, she smiled. “So tell me about it.”
Knowing neither she nor the others were going to leave me alone, I resigned myself to telling the story. The truth was, I could talk to Ari about pretty much anything. “I met a woman.”
Her eyes lit up and a smile spread over her face. “Really? Hush! That’s so great.” The smile slowly slipped off her face as she read the expression on mine. “You’re feeling guilty because of Daphne.” It wasn’t a question.
She also wasn’t wrong, so I nodded. “I talked to Lock about it, and I took her out on a date, but…”
Sighing, she laid her head on my shoulder and we stared at the door.
Silence filled the room as we both gathered our thoughts.
“Hush. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you.
What it must still be like.” She lifted her head and tears filled her eyes.
“The thought of losing Rat… It’s unfathomable. ” She picked my hand up and held it.
I wrapped my fingers around hers and listened. This was what I needed, a woman’s perspective. That wasn’t something I ever thought I’d have again after losing Daphne.
“But…if something happened to me, I’d want Rat to find someone else to love.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. He—you—are too young to finish out your life alone. She wouldn’t want that.”
“That’s what Lockout said, too.” I frowned.
“That’s what my head keeps sayin’. But…more than that.
Is it fair to her? To Seek, to live in Daphne’s shadow?
Or worse, what if…” This next part almost killed me to say aloud.
“What if I love her more? What does that mean for Daphne? That she was a placeholder for another woman?”
“Hush, don’t do that. It’s not so simple as competing with a dead woman or loving Daphne less.
You loved her with all your heart. You know that.
But she’s gone. Seek is here, now. And you really stand a shot at being happy.
If Seek is really the right one, she’s going to understand that a part of you will always belong to Daphne and she’ll know how to make room for that.
Just like Daphne would understand it as well.
You don’t need to find ways to torture yourself. ”
“I spent one night with her and freaked out. Dumped her.”
“Jesus, Hush,” she said, smacking me with a laugh. “Okay. Now you’re in for it.”
“Huh?” She wasn’t making sense.
“When you go to get her back. You’re going to have to do some serious groveling.”
“Didn’t say I was gettin’ her back,” I reminded her.
She gave me a knowing smile. “You’re talking with me about her. You’re getting her back.”
She was right again. Being away from Seek for the last week had been torture.
How had she already dug her adorable little claws into me?
“I don’t know how to make myself be okay with movin’ on,” I admitted.
Talking about my feelings wasn’t something I normally did, not that I had a choice once Ari started into me.
I was twisted up over this and it seemed like no matter which direction I moved I just cinched myself tighter.
“Give yourself permission to feel the feelings, address them, then move past them.”
My lips twisted in a smirk. “I’m a guy. I only have three feelin’s, max.”
She laughed at that and nodded. “Sounds about right. Let me guess, guilt, desire, and love?” She slid a sly look over at me.
“Not admittin’ to that.” I scratched my chin to hide a smile. “Not sure how to address them or move on.”
“By telling her how you feel-” My groan cut her off and she snapped at me, “You’re going to have to talk to her Hush.
Have you even told her why you broke it off?
” The guilty look on my face had her groaning this time.
“Wow, Hush.” Her laugh didn’t hold a single note of humor in it.
“I wouldn’t want to be you when I had to explain all this to her.
You’re going to be lucky if she listens at all.
You have to tell her everything, and I mean everything.
You have to lay it all out there, the guilt, the fear.
You owe it to her. If you’re honest with her, she’ll make her own decision. She’ll choose you.”
I propped my elbows on my knees and we sat in silence while we both thought about her words. “Just talk to her, huh?”
“Works for me and Rat.”
“You don’t have an easier way? Like an arranged marriage to a mafia princess or somethin’?”
She laughed and shook her head. “No. It’s the only way to get your girl back.”
I dropped my head back and stared at the ceiling. Seek had already brought a heap of trouble into my life. It didn’t matter that we hadn’t known each other long, I wanted her in my life. Something lightened in my chest now that I was admitting it to myself.
“Alright.”
“Alright, what?” she asked.
“I’ll try it your way.”
Her squeal speared my eardrum as she threw her arms around my shoulders and hugged me from the side. “When do I get to meet her?”
“After I figure out if she’s goin’ to kill me or not.”
Ari made a face that said she agreed, whether that was with the thought that Seek might kill me, or agreeing that she should, was the question.
“Can we please go now?” I asked. “I haven’t got to spoil those babies at all.”
She laughed and hopped off the bed. We went downstairs and found most of my brothers standing around, talking with Rat, and passing the babies around. These men were nuts about family and most of them loved kids.
An unintelligible noise escaped Butcher’s mouth when someone handed him Roman. He held the baby with his arms outstretched, unsure what to do. It was possibly the only time I’d seen fear in the man's eyes.
Moving forward, I smacked Dash in the back of the head for giving Butcher a living being to hold, and rescued poor Roman. Settling him in the crook of my arm, I watched as Ari gave Lockout a thumbs up. Her grin was unrepentant when she noticed me watching her.
I shot him a dark look and shook my head. He may be my president and best friend, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t in deep shit for calling Ari in the first place.
He walked up, his own grin fixed to his face. “Desperate times, Brother,” he said with a shrug. “I told you not to make me bring out the big guns.”
“Fuckin’ snitch.”
He chuckled and swallowed some beer. “Better than having you wallowing.”
I spent the evening with my family, enjoying the fact that some of the numbness that’d been present in me for nearly four years disappeared.
It wasn’t completely gone, may never be, but it was a start.
I was ready to rejoin the world. There was just one thing left to do in order to make things right.