Chapter 28
Kit
I'd been in and out of it for a couple of days, but I was starting to finally feel better.
Most of my time in the hospital has been spent sleeping and visiting with my club family as they all stopped in to see me.
Hellfire was by my side the whole time, refusing to leave.
The other guys were bringing him fresh clothes and he was showering in my little ensuite bathroom.
It was hard to say whether I was more grateful or guilty for having him here.
He was always so attentive, making sure I had everything I needed, even when the nurses said I shouldn't have it.
He'd even brought me a bag of my favorite snacks from home and a few books to read.
He'd been so sweet, but I couldn't help worrying about what was going to happen next.
I killed his cousin. He was going to hate me.
Even if he didn't, his family was bound to.
He stepped out of the bathroom, worry on his face. "Did I wake you?"
"No. I'm just tired of sleeping," I told him with a wry grin. This was the first time we'd been alone where I felt halfway decent enough to have this conversation. "What happened with The Italians?"
"They won't be bothering us again," he replied with a satisfied look. I arched a brow in question. "Amato is dead. Any of his men who are still alive will scatter. They won't make it very far. Lock is sending Butcher, Toxic, and the Wyoming guys after them."
"Good." I couldn't keep the satisfaction out of my voice. Just knowing that they wouldn’t be able to come after any of us again gave me relief. "I'm-." I swallowed hard, trying to figure out how to say this. "I'm so sorry about Pixie."
He shrugged as he sat next to me on the bed. "She brought it on herself."
"She was your family. And I- I killed her."
"You were protecting yourself, Kit," he said, eyes flashing. "I'm just sorry that you had to go through that. And that you were hurt. I never wanted anything to happen to you."
I shook my head and stared down at the blanket covering me. He was saying all the right things, but he didn't seem to realize how big of a deal this was. How much guilt was weighing me down. "I'm going to end up in jail."
"What?"
Our eyes locked as I looked up. "I killed her, Hell. You don't get to just kill people... Well, you do."
His deep chuckle bounced around the room. "I'm taking care of it, Kit. No one will ever know you killed her besides our family."
"What about your uncle?" My chest tightened as I thought about the grief he would suffer because of me.
It didn't matter that Pixie was trying to kill me.
Deep down, I knew I had the right to defend myself and that Hell was right, she had brought her death on herself.
But that didn't change the fact that I'd killed her. That once he wasn’t so busy trying to clean up the mess, he was going to realize what I’d done and start blaming me.
The guilt was drowning me. I'd never even seriously hurt anyone before, let alone put an end to their life. It was messing with my head.
"He's flying in as soon as he can make arrangements. I'll explain it to him. I'll make him understand."
"That was his child, Hell," I said softly.
"Don't worry about all that, Vixen," he said, picking up my hand and holding it in his. "It's going to be fine. I’ll take care of it."
I wasn't sure how. I didn't know how to move on from this.
If it was some random mafia guy I'd killed, I might not be having all these doubts and worries.
If Pixie wasn't a part of Hellfire's life I might not either, but how was he going to feel tomorrow when he had to tell his uncle?
A week from now when the truth of what I'd done settled in?
I'd lose him, I just didn't know when. "I'm tired," I murmured, closing my eyes.
Hellfire's stare was heavy, I could feel it even with my eyes closed, but he didn't say anything. He just leaned forward and kissed my forehead before moving off the bed and onto the chair next to me.
I woke up in the middle of the night, my heart pounding as I tried to figure out where I was. Tried to figure out if I was being attacked. Then Hellfire's deep voice sounded from the chair and I remembered. He was here. No one was going to harm me with him by my side.
"It’s okay, Kit. You’re okay." His huge palm was resting on my head as he checked on me, whispering soothing things.
"I’m okay," I said, repeating his words. "Just a dream."
He grunted, but didn't say anything else. He also didn't move his hand. It was comforting and made me feel connected to him.
This hospital room was never dark. It was a testament to how awful I'd been feeling that I'd even slept with all the lights, and beeping, and the nurses coming in and out.
I wasn't sure how Hell was managing. He'd fallen asleep in his clothes and his hair was a mess, but he still looked like sex on a stick.
The fact that all this stress and worry over the last few days still hadn't managed to dim his good looks wasn't fair.
No one should look that good after everything we went through.
"How's your leg?" I asked, not wanting to go back to sleep. He’d finally admitted to me that he’d been shot when I noticed him limping.
"Fine. Crash fixed it up."
He’d ignored my pleas to have the doctors here take a look at it. He said they wouldn't be able to do anything better than what Crash could, and he didn't want the questions that would come along with the care. I couldn't argue with him there.
"You should get some more sleep," he murmured.
"I'm not tired anymore." I wanted to talk to him. I needed to know what happened with Pixie. What was going on with the club. What would happen now?
"Kit." His voice was stern, but gentle. "You need rest."
"Where is she?" I whispered, unable to let it go.
He sighed, running his free hand over his face as though he could brush off the exhaustion. He wasn't sleeping enough, of that, I was certain. "Marty's taking care of her."
I frowned, but didn't try sitting up. When you had a hole in your stomach that wasn't the best option. It was something I'd learned when I first woke up and tried to sit straight up. "Won't Hal need to see her body? If Marty incinerates her-"
"He's not," Hell told me. "We're doing a funeral at his mortuary in three days. After that, Pixie will disappear."
"I want to go."
"Kit-"
"Bennett," I said, knowing that using his real name would force him to hear what I was saying. "I'm going."
His eyes narrowed on me. He looked as though he was about to argue, but he sighed and nodded instead. "Okay."
My tense muscles relaxed, relieved that he was going to listen to me.
I wasn't sure why he was being so accommodating.
Maybe it was because I'd nearly died. Whatever the reason, I was thankful for it.
The last thing I wanted was to see Pixie's dad, but I knew I needed to.
If I was going to get past this, I had to force myself to face what I'd done.
* * *
The next morning, the girls I’d come to love like sisters all came bustling into my hospital room like a small tornado. They had all visited over the last week, but never all together. And this was the first day I felt stronger, like I could stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time.
Seeing them eased something inside of me. The guilt slunk off to cower in the corner in the face of the joy and light that my friends surrounded me in. They were perched on the arms of chairs, while Sloane and Dani sat in them, and on the edge of my bed.
"How are you holding up?" Seek asked, patting my hand. She’d left Sawyer at home with Hush, so that she could visit uninterrupted.
Looking around at them, tears pricked at my eyes. "I don't know how to feel," I admitted.
"About killing Pixie?" Sloane asked when the rest remained quiet. She was probably the only person in this world who could say that and make it so I didn't feel judged. There was sympathy shining from her eyes and it made it easier to nod in answer to her question.
"That wasn't your fault," Jenny insisted. "She was trying to kill you."
"She almost succeeded," Jordan said quietly. She and Gwen leaned against one another at the foot of my bed.
"We know something about how you feel. Even though we didn't actually kill Trent," Gwen said, "I went through so much guilt knowing that it was the circumstances of that night that got him killed. I helped take my kids' dad away from them."
I shook my head, sniffing away the tears before they could fall. "It wasn't your fault. Somewhere deep down, I know it wasn't my fault either. But, I made mistakes," I told them. "I shouldn't have gone in the first place. I should have waited outside like Hush told me to."
"You were worried about your old man," Seek said firmly. "We all wanted to go."
"Sure did," Dani confirmed.
"We just knew there was no way Hush would let all of us come," Tori added with a smile. "You deserved to go look for your damn boyfriend. You didn't know for sure that he wasn't just broken down on the side of the road."
"I would have stormed in there, too," Jordan added. "Once I saw Pixie. She was supposed to be on our side."
"Well, not our side," Tori said. “She was never an old lady.”
"In a way we did always treat her differently. Even from the other sweet butts," Daisha admitted.
"Because she was Hell's family," Susie said with a nod. "It should have risen her up to Sylvia's status."
"Syl doesn't actually sleep around with the bikers," Tori argued. "She's not really a sweet butt. Not in any of our eyes. Pixie slept with anyone who looked her way."
"Plus, she’s always been trouble," I added. "It made it hard to like her. Partly because she was just a bitch most of the time. But also-"
"Because we all love Hellfire so much, we hate to see him embarrassed or hurting," Daisha said. "And Pixie did a lot of embarrassing and hurting over the years."
"I'm sorry you're going through this," Dani told me, her eyes shining with tears.
"It's weird," I confessed. "Sometimes I'm not sorry I killed her.
You know? I think if she had been a stranger this would have been easier.
But she's my boyfriend's cousin. And even though he could hardly stand her, he loves his uncle.
And now I've caused the worst kind of pain to Hal.
How-" I shook my head and broke off before the sob tore from my throat.
"You can tell us," Sloane encouraged. "None of us will judge you. I've told everyone the things I had to do to survive and not one of you has turned away from me for it."
"How is Hellfire going to forgive me for causing such pain to his family?
Will his family ever be able to forgive me?
" Looking down, I stared at the sheets. "In the end, even if I didn't really like Pixie, I still took a life.
I said it would be easier if it was a stranger, and that's because I wouldn't be feeling guilty for them being connected to Hell, but I still have to somehow come to terms with the fact that I killed somebody.
" I looked up at them, meeting each of their eyes, knowing I looked a little desperate.
"Having it be life or death helps, but... how do I come to grips with that?"
Sloane stood and came over to sit next to me on the bed. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight. "I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not something anyone should have to deal with. But you're strong enough to get through it."
"I don't feel strong," I admitted.
She smiled sadly. "I know. But you are."
I leaned into her embrace and after a long bout of silence we began to speak of something else.
I was the one to switch the topic. It wasn't that I couldn't talk about this with them, I could speak to them about anything, they just couldn't help make this better.
I needed a distraction from my thoughts and that's what they gave me.
We talked about the babies, about the school, but mostly we talked about our men. The Italians were gone. Thank God. We all knew there was another piece of this puzzle the guys had to take care of, Fremont, but that would come later. For now, it was time to heal and pick up the pieces.
Lockout was busy trying to find somewhere permanent for The Children’s Lifeline kids to go, and Amy, because putting them in the apartments where we had the other women and kids had made things a little cramped.
Everyone was getting along fine, but they needed somewhere to go where the place would be theirs.
And, of course, the club was going to help them out.
That's just how they worked. They were the worst nightmare of anyone who thought to hurt others.
But to the good people? They were heroes. Nothing was going to change that.