Chapter 17
In the end, Zoe had been so tired, she’d opened the first tin of soup she’d laid her hand on and tipped it into a saucepan to heat for her evening meal. She stared into the pan as it began to warm, momentarily blank, until the sound of her phone ringing jerked her back to reality.
She took the pan from the flame and went to see who was calling.
If it was Billie – or any other of her mums for that matter – she wanted to be available.
So she was disappointed, even vexed, to see Ritchie’s name on the screen.
She wanted to ignore it, but he’d been texting and she hadn’t replied, and if she didn’t pick up, there was a distinct possibility that he’d jump in his car and drive over.
‘Hey…’ he said. ‘How’s things?’
‘Hi, Ritchie. Fine. How are you?’
‘I’m good. I just thought…well, I was worried because you didn’t reply to my messages. Thought I might have pissed you off or something.’
‘Of course not. Why would you do that?’
‘I don’t know. But it was weird that you didn’t text back. I know you read them…’
‘I did. I’m sorry, I got busy and forgot to reply.’
‘You forgot to reply to all of them?’
‘Yes, Ritchie,’ she replied, struggling to keep the irritation from her voice. ‘I meant to do it, but then things kept getting in the way. I have a lot on, you know. I have a full-time job that often spills over work hours and a house to run by myself.’
‘Ouch. Got it.’
‘Sorry…’ Zoe let out a sigh. ‘I didn’t mean…I’ve had a tough day, that’s all. How are you doing?’
‘If you need help there, you only have to ask. I can come over and do bits and pieces for you…Last time I was there, I noticed there was a dent in the plaster on the stairs. And one of your kitchen cupboard doors is loose when you open it. And?—’
‘Victor will sort all those things out.’
‘Victor?’
‘My landlord.’
‘I suppose it’s his job. Even so…’
‘You really don’t need to worry about it. I have to learn to do things without you sometime, don’t I?’
‘Do you? We’re still friends, and I’d never leave you in a bind.’
‘I’m not in a bind, Ritchie. Those are little things that I can live with. I can’t even see the point in getting Victor to look at them, quite honestly, because they’re not exactly impacting my life. They’re niggles, like all houses have, like ours used to have.’
‘I fixed things in our house.’
‘Yes, but then there’d be more things. That’s the nature of living in a house, isn’t it? There’s always something to repair.’
‘You said you had a tough day. Want to talk about it?’
‘Not especially. I feel as if that would be a bit of a slap in the face for you – because at least I have a job, right? How’s the job-hunting going? Having any luck?’
‘It’s so hard,’ he began, and then there was such a heavy pause that Zoe braced herself for the onslaught she knew was coming. ‘I’m either overqualified or too old, or not qualified enough…it’s so frustrating. There’s so much competition, like a hundred people going for every job…’
Zoe’s attention drifted to the window as she listened.
The moon was peeking out from a low bank of cloud, hazy in the damp night air.
It was beautiful, like an impressionist painting, like the ghost of a moon, half there, half not.
She could see the warm glow of the windows of Daffodil farmhouse, and she could picture Victor and Corrine, sitting across from one another on matching, well-loved armchairs, laughing together at something on the television as they munched on one of Corrine’s incredible cakes and drank tea so strong you could stand a spoon up in it.
She wouldn’t have minded a life like that.
Perhaps she might even have had one if things had panned out differently.
Not exactly like that, of course, because she would never have bought a farm or worked the land – that wasn’t her.
But the cosy domesticity – that would have been nice.
Victor and Corrine were more than a loving couple; they were a team, pulling through life together, both striving for the same goals, holding one another up when it was needed, celebrating success together and comforting each other when times were tough.
They were two halves of a whole like no other couple Zoe had ever met.
She’d loved Ritchie, but it had never felt like that.
She had to wonder if what she’d had was real love at all, but how could she compare?
If she’d never had real love, she wouldn’t know what the difference was.
‘Zo…’
She shook herself. ‘Sorry, I missed that last bit.’
‘I’m boring you.’
‘Of course you’re not. I’m tired. Tell me again.’
‘I don’t want to now; I feel stupid having to repeat it.’
‘Don’t be…’
‘Stupid?’
‘I didn’t mean…’ She sighed. She felt guilty, and feeling guilty often made her do things she’d later regret. Like now. ‘Look, if you want to come over and talk properly, then how about the weekend? Come for a few hours on Sunday if you’re free; I’ll do a roast.’
‘I do miss your roasts but there’s an away match this weekend and we’re staying over in Tyneside. I can come next weekend.’
‘Well then, you’re welcome to come next weekend if you’re free.’
‘I’m always free these days.’
It was a loaded comment, but Zoe resisted the urge to remark on it.
The same could be said for both of them, but they’d both agreed that a divorce was the best way to preserve any kind of relationship at all and prevent it from souring beyond redemption.
‘There’s no pressure, but if you want to come, let me know so I can get extra food. ’
‘That sounds good; I’d like to, thanks. Do you want me to bring anything?’
‘I don’t think so. I’ll let you know if I think of anything,’ Zoe said, already regretting an offer she didn’t feel she could take back, not when he sounded so happy about it. ‘It’ll be good to catch up.’
‘I’m really glad we can do this, Zo. Stay friends like this and it not be weird.
Loads of my mates can’t even be in the same room as their exes, let alone phone them up or go to lunch.
It’s good; it says a lot about what we had, doesn’t it?
I miss having you around, just to talk to, I mean. I know we agreed on this, but?—’
‘I still think it’s for the best, but I’m glad we didn’t have to be weird about it. So I’ll see you next Sunday maybe?’
‘Definitely. Thanks, Zoe.’
‘Don’t mention it.’
After a few more false starts, Zoe managed to get him off the phone and leaned on the sink, staring out of the window.
The moon had disappeared behind the clouds again, and now the lights in the windows of Daffodil farmhouse were down to one, upstairs, muted by closed curtains.
Zoe knew Victor and Corinne often went to bed early because they had to be up at the crack of dawn, so it was no surprise to see.
She wondered if she ought to invite someone else to lunch on Sunday.
It wasn’t that she didn’t trust herself around Ritchie – but she wondered if he was getting mixed signals, and perhaps having someone else there would help to clarify things.
Ottilie and Heath might come. Ritchie knew Ottilie, and he knew she and Zoe were old friends, so he wouldn’t be surprised to see her there.
Yes, that could work. She’d invite Ottilie and Heath too; it might just save her from the most awkward lunch of her life.