Chapter 3
Alex was cooking when they arrived back at Hilltop Farm, the kitchen fogged by steam and the air scented with overcooked vegetables.
‘I know.’ He grimaced as he went to open a window. ‘I got distracted.’
‘Don’t tell me,’ Zoe said. ‘Reading about that rewilding stuff. It’s a good thing we’ve eaten already.’
Alex turned with a frown. ‘You have? But I’ve done all this now! Can’t you manage any at all?’
‘Only a small plate then,’ Zoe said.
Billie nodded. ‘Don’t put much out for me either.’
‘You knew I was making something,’ Alex grumbled, and Zoe went to kiss him.
‘Sorry. I got caught up in wanting to mark Maisie and Fern moving into their new house, so I treated everyone to a takeaway. I didn’t think you’d be going to so much trouble, but now that I can see you have, we’ll eat it.’
‘I don’t want to force it on you.’
‘You wouldn’t be, and what we can’t eat I’m sure will keep so we can have it tomorrow. It’ll save me cooking after work.’
Billie went to the table and picked up a book, idly inspecting the blurb on the back. ‘I don’t know why you’re bothering with all this conservation stuff after Victor told you what he thought about it. He won’t like it if you start doing it on our land.’
‘If it’s on our land and not his, I don’t know why he would have a problem.
’ Alex wafted a cloud of steam from a pan.
‘It’ll be next door for one, and secondly, I would have thought it would benefit everyone in some way in the end.
It’s fascinating actually, how the eco system was meant to work when the land was in its natural state before farming started here.
It’s the farming that’s the problem… not that I’d want people to stop farming, of course.
But if we take back even a bit of the land, it would make a huge difference. ’
‘You sound like a nature documentary.’ Billie put the book back.
‘Victor didn’t sound quite so enthusiastic when he was last here.’ Zoe took off her coat and hung it on the peg by the door. ‘It’s the first time I’ve seen him close to having words with you – not good ones.’
‘It’s because he doesn’t know all the facts yet.’
‘So you thought you’d read everything there is to read and enlighten him?’
At this, Alex looked sheepish.
‘You’ve got too much time on your hands with the camping field closed,’ Billie said as she went to sit Louisa in a high chair. ‘Roll on summer when it opens again and you’re busy.’
‘The camping field will be the first place to profit from the rewilding scheme,’ Alex insisted. ‘Visitors will love it.’
‘And you’re determined to get the ball rolling?’ Zoe asked.
He nodded. ‘I’ve got an email address for the person I need to talk to.’
‘First it was archaeology, and now it’s rewilding,’ Billie said in a withering tone. ‘You’re like a big kid – you know that, don’t you?’’
‘I want to be a part of the future of the area. I mean, we’re here to stay, right? So why not make a difference?’
Billie didn’t offer a reply. Instead, she put a rattle down in front of Louisa and then began to peer into the pans on the stove, wrinkling her nose at each one in accordance with how exasperated the contents seemed to make her feel.
Zoe couldn’t help but smile as she watched her for a moment, before answering Alex’s statement in her stead.
‘I think it’s great that you want to make a difference and you see your future here. I do too, but maybe that means treading carefully, because it’s not only about what you do to the landscape but about the relationships we build with our neighbours too.’
Alex waved a vague hand. ‘Victor’s all right. He’s from a different generation – all he’s ever known is farming, so he can only see that way of life.’
‘I don’t think that’s entirely fair. Victor and Corrine are quite progressive in their views on most things.’
‘For their age,’ Alex said, causing Zoe’s forehead to scrunch.
‘Again, I don’t think that’s fair. It makes it sound as if they’re stuffy and old-fashioned, and you know they’re not.’
‘I didn’t mean it to sound that way. I only meant they’re of a certain generation. The landscape here has looked like it does for hundreds of years because of farming and because of people like Victor, but it’s not the way it’s supposed to look, and it’s not how it once looked.’
‘We should never have let you watch that programme on telly.’ Billie turned down the flame on one of the stove rings. ‘You’re going to piss off Victor in the end.’
‘No, I’m going to make Victor see that good things can come of it. And then he’ll persuade his mates too. There are already some farmers finding ways to do both.’
Billie returned to her tight-lipped assessment of the dinner progress, and Zoe could feel her disapproval from across the room.
‘Where’s Griz?’ she asked.
‘In the other room,’ Alex said. ‘He was getting under my feet, so I had to shut him in.’
‘I’ll get him,’ Billie began, but Alex cut her off.
‘Leave him be for a minute. We’ll eat, then he can come in. And don’t look at me like that,’ he added at the sight of Billie’s scowl. ‘You’ll be complaining if he’s jumping up at you when you’re trying to feed Louisa.’
‘I wouldn’t, but whatever.’
‘The trouble is,’ Zoe continued patiently, ‘that you make it sound like an attack on Victor’s way of life.’
‘What do I make sound like an attack?’ Alex turned to her.
‘The whole rewilding thing. Victor feels like it’s an attack on his way of life.
On traditions that have been a part of this area for hundreds of years and countless generations.
So I get what you’re excited about, and I agree with you to a point, but I just think you have to tread carefully.
It took some diplomacy to get everyone on board with the campsite as it is, but now they’ve accepted it, and they don’t mind the people it brings in.
Don’t go pushing your luck with something even bigger and more invasive than you’ve already asked them to put up with. ’
‘It’s just planting trees, and it’s on my land – I don’t know what they could get so upset about.’
‘Because it’s symbolic, that’s why.’ Zoe let out a sigh.
She could see she wasn’t getting anywhere.
Alex had a plan and he was excited for it, and no amount of discussion was going to put him off.
Perhaps, once he had the whole picture, the sheer scale of the task and the amount of work it would take from him would put him off.
Billie was right about one thing – with the campsite mothballed for the winter, Alex had too much time on his hands.
And he wasn’t a man used to having time on his hands; Zoe was beginning to see that.
He’d always been a doer, an entrepreneur, someone constantly looking for the next challenge – sometimes skipping steps he shouldn’t to bring it on.
They’d discovered that to their peril earlier that year when their first visitors to the campsite almost finished their fledgling business by threatening to sue them.
They’d wriggled out of that situation, but Zoe sometimes wondered if it had been a good thing.
It had made Alex far too confident that he could do what he wanted and there would be no repercussions.
He was a different man from the one she’d met when she’d first arrived in Thimblebury, who’d lost his wife and was supporting his daughter through a tragedy of her own.
That man was beaten and filled with pessimism, trying to rebuild his life and suspicious of everyone.
Zoe had seen him open up since then in a way even she couldn’t have seen coming, and it was wonderful, of course.
She liked to think she’d had a hand in that too, and while she loved to see this version of Alex, full of hope and ready to take on the world, she sometimes wondered if he ought to exercise a little more caution.
He’d said himself they wanted to stay in Thimblebury and continue to build a life there, but as she’d also reminded him, that meant more than contributing to the physical environment around them – it meant being a part of the community too, learning to fit in with their neighbours and backing down from ideals when it meant the difference between getting along with everyone and being at odds with them.
Alex ran a hand through his hair and then went to see what Billie was doing. Zoe took a seat next to Louisa and picked up the rattle, shaking it around and pulling faces at the little girl, who let out a shrieking giggle as she grabbed for it.
‘How was your day?’ he asked.
Zoe looked up. ‘Good,’ she said.
Billie nodded. ‘Yeah, it was good.’
‘Maisie and Fern are settling in?’ he asked, watching Billie carefully now as she gave her reply. ‘The house is nice?’
‘It’s fine,’ Billie said. ‘They like it.’
‘Not tempted to join them?’
Billie put the lid back on one of the pans and turned off the heat. ‘This is done. If you leave it on any longer, it will be just water.’
‘I don’t think they have the room,’ Zoe said.
‘It’d be like the commune all over again for Fern,’ Billie added. ‘Imagine three of us there all with babies. I’d hate it.’
Alex seemed brighter at this reply. ‘You’re sure you’re both ready to eat?’
‘Even if we’re not, this lot is.’ Billie swept a hand over the collection of pans, some now turned off and some still bubbling away. ‘We’ll have to eat it now before it disintegrates.’
Billie went to get plates from the cupboard, while Zoe fastened a bib onto Louisa.
Billie had started to wean her daughter, and though she was careful about what they fed her, Zoe had approved of the pace at which she’d introduced new tastes and textures to her.
Not that she knew much about weaning. As she’d said in answer to Billie’s consultations on the matter, Zoe was a dab hand at bringing new babies into the world but not quite so expert on what came later.
Perhaps the closest she would ever get now was helping with Louisa where she could because her own prospects of motherhood looked very far away since her diagnosis.
She wondered whether that was another part of Alex’s enthusiasm for just about any project he could lose himself in.
Perhaps it was his way of avoiding having to face a future with Zoe that did not include children.
He had Billie, of course, and he had Louisa, and he’d told Zoe many times he was happy with that, but she worried that the reality was different.
He’d once said he wanted them to have a child together.
Surely he couldn’t have changed his feelings on the matter so entirely and so quickly?
Surely he was only saying now what he thought she wanted to hear, knowing how much it mattered to her own peace with her future?
‘At least it’s soft enough for Louisa without putting it in the food processor,’ Billie said as she scooped a spoonful of carrots from a pan and examined them.
‘It’s not that overcooked!’ Alex said, faint offence in his tone now, even though he was laughing.
‘I don’t know,’ Zoe said. ‘She might have a point. It smells like an old folks’ home in there.’
‘I don’t have to stay here and be insulted,’ Alex said.
‘No, you can go to anyone in Thimblebury and get that,’ Zoe said breezily, causing Alex to laugh properly now.
‘I suppose I could order a takeaway.’
‘It’d be a waste of money, considering we’re not that hungry. And you’re assuming anyone would want to come all the way up here – remember what happened last time we ordered one? They didn’t come.’
‘Yes, well, we wouldn’t use them again, would we?’
‘It’s fine, Dad, stop stressing. We’ll eat this. I’m sure it tastes better than it looks.’
‘I’m not sure if that’s a backhanded compliment or another insult,’ Alex said.
Zoe laughed lightly. ‘I’d say take it in whichever way makes you feel better.’
‘Compliment it is. Little Miss Fussy can cook tomorrow night.’
‘With pleasure,’ Billie said. ‘I’ve just got back from a week of amazing food in Spain – you can’t shock my system like this.’
The smile on Alex’s face faded as Billie turned her attention to dishing out the casserole.
From the moment Billie had boarded the flight to visit Luis’s parents, Zoe had been able to see Alex’s doubts.
He’d told her he was fine, but he wasn’t.
She rested a brief but reassuring hand on his shoulder as she went to get some water from the fridge, hoping it would be enough to tell him that it was OK, that she was here for him whatever happened, or if he wanted to talk through his fears.
He’d supported her when things had got tough, and she’d do the same for him.
The remainder of the weekend passed by in much the same manner – with discussions about Alex’s new interest in conservation where he tried to explain what had got him so excited about it, to the point where he even made Billie and Zoe sit down and watch the television programme that had started it all.
Alex looked across at Zoe as she sat on the sofa next to him. ‘See the wetland they’re trying to re-establish…? There’s a national park like that in Estonia. It’s meant to be amazing. That’s what a lot of the Lake District used to be like…’
‘Hmm…’ Zoe gave a brief nod. She was trying really hard to find it interesting, though her thoughts wandered more often than she’d admit to him. Billie, on the other hand, was obviously making excuses as she got up.
‘Louisa seems all right in her chair there.’ She gave an exaggerated stretch. ‘I think I might have a bath, if you’re all right keeping an eye on her.’
‘Sure,’ Alex said, and Zoe watched him to see if he seemed disappointed she didn’t share his enthusiasm. But he turned his gaze back to the television.
‘Of course we can look after her,’ Zoe said. ‘Go and have your bath; don’t worry about anything down here.’
Billie had slunk out of the room, but she’d forgotten to take her phone.
Moments later, it pinged, and Zoe peered over at the coffee table where it was sitting to see a notification lighting up the screen.
It was from Beatriz. It seemed that Luis’s parents were very firmly back in Billie’s life after a notable absence – one that Billie had enforced as she got to grips with her new beginning in Thimblebury.
Alex looked up at the sound of the notification too. He gave Zoe a look, one that asked if it was unreasonable for him to go and read it. Zoe was about to answer when Billie dashed back into the room.
‘Forgot this.’ She snatched it up and left them again.
‘They’re bound to be texting,’ Zoe said. ‘They’re probably still missing her and Louisa. You know what we were like when they went – they leave a big hole when they’re not here.’
‘I suppose you’re right.’ He paused for a moment before restarting the programme he’d stopped as Billie had come back in for her phone, but his brow was furrowed and his expression unreadable.
Zoe wondered if that was quite the end of the discussion, but as he didn’t say anything more, she decided that it probably was for now.