Chapter 2 #5
‘Do you think you’ll ever have one?’ Maisie asked, and the mood in the room was suddenly tense.
Billie knew about Zoe’s fertility problems, but Maisie and Fern didn’t.
Zoe had toyed with the idea of telling them, if only because she felt they were personal friends now, and it seemed easier than letting them blunder into awkward conversations – as they were about to.
But in the end, the right moment had never presented itself, and she wondered if it was an overshare too many.
She was, after all, still their midwife – or at least she had been until their births.
And if either was to get pregnant a second time, she’d be their midwife once more, and the relationship would change all over again.
That didn’t seem likely right now, but it was hardly impossible.
‘I mean, because you’re quite old now, aren’t you? ’
Billie drew in a sharp breath, and Fern’s mouth fell open. Maisie simply looked around, confused for a moment, before seeming to realise she’d made a terrible faux pas.
‘I only meant you’re quite old… like, you’re nearly as old as my mum…’
‘I’m not!’ Zoe laughed, almost glad of the insult because of the way it instantly distracted everyone from the bigger and more painful issue. ‘And thanks! I’d better go home and see if I can’t bring my pension forward, hadn’t I?’
‘I didn’t mean…’ Maisie began, but her words were drowned out now by the laughter of everyone, even Billie.
‘You’re such a moron!’ she snorted.
‘I’m not!’ Maisie squeaked. ‘I only meant… It doesn’t matter.’
‘Don’t go getting any ideas about a job in the diplomatic service,’ Zoe said.
‘I wasn’t,’ Maisie’s answer was indignant, and now Zoe realised she was hurt. She got her laughter under control, recognising that the joke had gone far enough.
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘It was just I wasn’t expecting to hear that. I know you didn’t mean anything by it. I suppose I do look old to you, but I’m afraid to inform you that I’m not even forty yet. Did you perhaps mean I’m old for a first-time mum?’
Maisie nodded.
‘Then you’d be right,’ Zoe said. ‘And in answer to your question, I honestly don’t know.’
She shared a glance with Billie, who then looked away.
They hadn’t discussed Zoe’s problems all that often, mostly because, Zoe suspected, Billie didn’t really know what to say.
That was all right as far as Zoe was concerned.
It wasn’t Billie’s responsibility to comfort Zoe, and she had enough worries of her own.
‘But you want one?’ Fern asked.
‘I did. I lost a baby a few years back. That was with my ex.’
‘Oh,’ Fern said. ‘I… sorry. You haven’t been with Alex that long, have you?’
‘There’s plenty of time, yes,’ Zoe said, squirming inside at the lie. There wasn’t plenty of time. In fact, there was practically no time at all, but Fern and Maisie didn’t need to know that.
‘I should have been more careful,’ Fern said after a moment of consideration.
‘But then you wouldn’t have Benji, and you wouldn’t have met Maisie,’ Billie said.
‘Or you,’ Fern said to Zoe.
‘I do believe everything that happens to you is for a reason,’ Zoe agreed. ‘Even if it’s one you can’t see yet. Imagine where this path might lead you.’
‘I might be a midwife!’ Fern said. ‘And I wouldn’t have even thought of it if I hadn’t met you.’
‘Exactly.’
‘Even the really bad things?’ Billie asked quietly. Zoe turned to see her expression had darkened since the hilarity had come to an end and the conversation had become far more philosophical. ‘Even when people you love die? That happens for a reason?’
Zoe’s forehead creased, the right words failing to come.
‘Sorry,’ Maisie said into the gap.
Billie scooped Louisa up. ‘Forget it. What’s the point? Whether it’s true or not, it doesn’t change what happened.’
‘Zoe lost her baby,’ Fern said.
‘The difference is,’ Billie fired back, ‘Zoe never knew her baby.’
Fern and Maisie both stared at Billie, who flushed under the weight of it, seeming to realise how cruel her statement had been.
Zoe tried not to be hurt. It was natural that Billie would have Luis in her mind more right now than normal after spending a week with his family and visiting his grave.
She tried to believe that Billie hadn’t meant to be hurtful – just that she was hurting and it was the only way she knew how to deal with it.
Billie shot her a look that told Zoe she was sorry.
But she didn’t say a word because that wasn’t how Billie worked.
Since Zoe had known her, she’d barely heard Billie apologise.
Certainly when she did, it was of note because Billie never said sorry with words, though somehow Zoe always knew when she was.
‘I think,’ Zoe said, rallying, ‘we should order in. My treat. Burgers, milkshake… whatever you like. We can’t have a housewarming with booze and partying, but we can celebrate your new home. Maisie – can you pull up the takeaway menu for that place in town?’
As Maisie went to get her phone, Zoe painted on a bright smile and hoped that the atmosphere would recover soon.
It might have been her imagination, and it was perhaps too soon to tell, but she was beginning to feel that Billie’s visit to Luis’s parents had changed something.
What that would mean if it were true, only time would tell.