Chapter 10 #3
“I guess whatever prevents anyone from getting roofied or snatched up. But I’ve been to a million of these. I can usually take care of myself,” Jaq dismissed.
Our united front started out strong, until Kaihautū walked off with Carly, insisting he had to show her something. My guess was they were going to get high, but I’m absolutely sure there was something more than just a friendly exchange there.
“Hey Jaq, we know you like to check out your bands first, is it okay with you if me and Avi look around before we commit. We’ll join you for your favorite, we promise,” Yenory asked, before hugging Jaq and going their separate way. It just awkwardly left me and Jaq.
“You don’t have to honor the buddy system if you don’t want to. True, there’s that one-off chance something could happen, but I’m pretty good at watching my own drinks. And I trust a place full of Black people more than if I were at a mainstream event.”
“That may be true, but I’d never forgive myself if something happened to you.
Plus, you’d probably know the best music to sit in for.
But feel free to pretend I’m not here,” as we walked in batches of awkward silence, getting comfortable exploring the designated areas set up for music.
Jaq was good at pretending I wasn’t there.
She swayed to the music like no one was watching her, and if I hadn’t wanted to know the name of the artist, I would’ve silently let her.
“Do you know this artist?” I wondered out loud.
“It's Big Joanie. An all-girl trio from London. I see them every time they're in New York.”
“Do you have a favorite musician?” hoping my attempt at keeping conversation wasn’t annoying her.
“You really can't go wrong with Bad Brains.
They're like the mother of all the bands that started the Black Alt Movement. Rebelmatic’s stuff is pretty good.
They're New York-based, but I'm not biased at all.
I love The Paradox, and they're an Atlanta-based punk group, and it doesn't get more iconic than Pure Hell, who were originally based in Philadelphia,” as her enthusiasm put a smile on my face.
I would have really liked getting to know this side of Jacqueline.
“I take it this is the Jaq you kept in and from the world,” I remarked.
“Well, I’m not hiding now,” as she continued to sway to the music.
“Yeah…I just wish I could’ve gotten the chance to know that person.
Maybe I would’ve realized earlier, that sometimes it feels like I’m hiding too,” as I excused myself to go get myself a red cup, only to be rejoined by Jaq not long after.
She seemed a bit out of breath, like she’s been running to catch up to me.
“Hey, what did you mean back there? The comment about that you were hiding, too?”
“It’s not important,” I dismissed.
“Maybe let me be the judge of that? And I never thanked you for making things weird back at the house.”
“What would have that solved? What happened between us felt like forever ago.”
“But I still never apologized. Or asked your reasoning behind…you know? But I could have given you a better reason for my reaction that night.” So there had been a reason? “It’s just, what was going through my mind was a little heavy for first time hookup. A bit of a mood killer, if anything.”
“Trust me, Jaq. Nothing could’ve killed the mood more than kicking me out of your place,” I laughed. “But if it was more than just not wanting someone inexperienced, I’d be happy to hear you out.”
We found an empty bench and table, sharing a plate of wings as she found the courage to share her past. “You’re nothing like him, so I apologize in advance if it sounds like I was comparing you to someone from my past. But I was probably even younger than you, when a partner of mine, took his own life. ”
“Oh gosh, Jaq. What did I do that triggered you to think of that?”
“You didn’t do anything, I promise,” she gently dismissed.
“But…I was his first everything. And that situation took a lot of emotional labor on my end.
I thought I was wild and carefree back then, but we burned quick.
Even got engaged. And he expected a lot from me.
More than I could handle at the time. Everyone saw the decline in my grades, my performance.
That when I choose myself, he thought I was rejecting him.
He was never given the tools to self-regulate, or manage his time, or anything else that you had to learn in adulthood.
And I’ll never truly know if it was only losing me, or other factors at play, but when I said I needed a break, the last time I saw him was at his wake. ”
“Gosh, Jaq. That’s awful. You could have told me that, I would have understood—”
“Again, it was me. Not anything wrong with you. I just…wasn’t sure I even wanted to potentially put myself through that again. Not when I didn’t know you very well.”
“You knew me well enough to let me eat you out,” I joked.
“I know and…maybe I was moving too fast. I hope you don’t think I pressured you in any way. And if I did, I want to sincerely apologize.”
My smile kept returning, because if she only knew all the things I had wanted to do that night, she wouldn’t be asking if she pressured me to do those things.
“Jaq, I’m a virgin, not a wind-up doll. You didn’t pressure me to do what I already wanted to do.
It’s just…the reason I’m a virgin, you may not understand or be able to relate to,” I huffed.
“If it’s private, you don’t have to tell me,” she offered her ignorance, but we were already here. We were already passed. It didn’t hurt my chances with her, because as far as I was concerned, I never stood a chance. At least not a fair one. What could it hurt to just rip off the Band-Aid?
“Jaq, I grew up really religious,” I downplayed.
“That's not a big deal. Most people do—”
“No, I don’t think you understand. I grew up super religious. LDS Church religious. I'm an ex-Mormon. So…that explains why I haven’t had sex,” I spoke as if the words were escaping without permission.
With that formation, Jaq's face contorted from confusion to recognition to what eventually bleed into that-makes-so-much-sense. “Wow!”
“I know—”
“That explains so much. In the moment, I kinda just thought you were an incel and nothing makes me dryer than knowing I’m giving punani to an incel. But this? This makes way more sense. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. You don’t even swear.”
“To be fair, I’ve spent a lifetime juggling between not using profanity, so there’s just so much to pull from.
I’m certainly not allergic to swearing, it’s just…
I don’t know, sometimes flipping just sounds better,” I shrugged.
“Sometimes dropping something doesn’t bother me enough to say the worst thing.
But I do, it’s just sometimes the company I’m in, makes it feel impolite. ”
“I definitely don’t think it’s weird, just…rare. Or perhaps, I just don’t meet a lot, but finding men my own age as mature as you, let alone twenty-eight is not a norm. Do you think your upbringing is where your emotional intelligence comes from?” she wondered out loud.
“I’ve always been a naturally empathetic person. And I have nothing but sisters, so I’ve had no choice but to lean into my emotions more. But I’m very curious. Sometimes to my own detriment. I like to learn why things work and don’t work. Whether it’s with religion or people.
It’s likely why I became non-practicing, because it felt like all it was really doing was standing in the way of knowing myself.
I’m Māori, and every part of me worth celebrating seems to be a sin in the LDS church.
Granted, I can’t condemn the church entirely.
Without it, I wouldn’t have known I had a penchant for music.
I’m able to work with less privileged communities because it helped me learn Spanish. ”
“This is all so wild. Wow, I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable, but I’m literally playing back entire conversations as you talk.”
“We didn’t have many,” I grimaced.
“But still. There were subtle clues. Don’t think I didn’t know Gladys Knight converted in 1997, that should have been my first clue,” she slyly accused. “Being from another country threw me off and taking me to a drag bar whipped me off course, but I’m sure I would have eventually figured it out.”
“I would have told you if I had thought you would understand better. LDS dating culture is vastly different than secular dating culture. You’re encouraged to date.
And a lot, because dating isn’t the same thing as courting someone.
Dating doesn’t come with expectations, or commitments, or other stuff.
It’s essentially getting to know a person enough to figure out whether you see a future with that person, and most of my dating life in the United States has been nothing but that.
Which is hard, because I’m sure if I were still with the church, I would’ve been married by twenty-three with kids by now. ”
“So why didn’t you?”
“I sung in my church’s choir, and for as many times as it took me to the states, it only took one time being in New York, to see that the world I wanted to experience was…
being withheld from me. I wanted to pursue music.
And not just music I did for the church.
I wanted to touch people’s hearts the way music did for me.
Otherwise, why would God give me this gift, when I’m not allowed to share it?
I just…didn’t know what to do. So, I walked away.
But it doesn’t mean my values I forgot overnight. ”
“But you drink. Apparently, the right person can get a swear out of you. Why do you think you stayed a virgin for so long?”