Chapter 10 #4
“I don’t know if you know this, but premarital sex ranks pretty high on the list of whether or not you’re going to hell.
Not that I was saving myself for marriage.
I could, but a part of me was always content that if I didn’t save it for marriage, or even love…
that it would at least be with a person who respected my decision to wait.
Didn’t make me feel like I was a freak for just wanting it to mean something to me.
Be patient with the fact I’m still learning.
But I guess that’s hard to find, right?”
Jacqueline shamefully drew her eyes away, recounting to that night we parted. “And I totally ruined that for you—”
“No, Jaq. I didn’t mean it like that. What I meant was, it wasn’t your job to be understanding or patient with me.
You communicated a boundary and I respected it.
Sure, it would’ve been nice to. But I’ve waited twenty-eight years.
Can’t see what the harm would be waiting a little longer,” I assured.
“I’m trying to put myself in your shoes, and it’s one of the only times I can’t. Imagining myself that disciplined is truly something I could only write into fiction,” she bantered.
“That and the trauma that I was going to hell if I even thought about it before marriage. The crippling anxiety and constant pessimism that I’m going to embarrass myself when it finally does happen.
Not to mention wondering if I’ll be holding onto the guilt and shame I was taught to feel after it’s over,” I managed in one breath, uncomfortably laughing behind a big smile.
“But those feelings are normal,” Jaq admitted.
“Just explicitly amplified when you’re a man and my age. Most women don’t get past my one date rule, so it’s genuinely never come up. Until you.”
“The one date rule is a little weird. It gives you so little time to decide if someone could be worth your time.”
“The thing is, I don’t want to waste someone’s time. I’m a long way from home and if I don’t feel something, walking away quick makes it so both parties don’t get attached. I can do clean breaks too.”
“So, say we would have, and you hadn’t told me. What would you have expected from me?”
I shrugged. “We’ll never know. But I would’ve been mature enough as before, to take it for what it was. Just sex.”
“And unluckily for me, we never made it that far,” she pouted.
“For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t have expected us to get engaged or anything. But you would’ve been the only woman, who made it past my one date rule.”
***
Jaq appeared to be relaxed once she had the context of my background, how it shaped me, until it eventually led to my leaving of the church. Had I known she’d been this understanding, it would’ve been the first thing I admitted, before we hooked up.
“It sounds cliché,” I laughed, combing my fingers through my long hair.
“But given all the factors involved, I need to have a level of safety just to consider the possibility of being sexually active. Between STIs, getting naked in front of someone for the first time, the fear of performance anxiety. It almost seems easier not to. Even though I really want to. It’s just, even if it’s casual, I’d like to imagine it’s someone I at least like spending time with.
Like talking to. As much as I envy my cousin, I just couldn’t imagine myself being so vulnerable with a revolving door of people.
I don’t think it’s unrealistic to at least like talking to that person.
But maybe I’m being too idealistic,” rubbing the bottom of my face with my palm.
“Graham, it’s not idealistic to want to be friends with someone you’re being intimate with. What you’re describing is just friends with benefits.”
“Yeah, but I mean, real friends. People that hangout. Take part in each other’s hobbies.
Not just meet up once a month whenever they want to have sex.
I want a genuine friendship with a person.
I probably have a relationship in me, but I don’t have the time to be a proper boyfriend right now.
Not with my school and volunteer schedule.
It’s just, New York sucks navigating it all alone.
But I guess I chose this life for myself. ”
“Trust me Graham, you’re giving me a lot to think about,” she grimaced.
“Oh no, Jaq. I wasn’t talk about you. I…
I get where you’re coming from. I didn’t want you to think by sharing all that with you, that I was asking you to cross a boundary for me.
It was pretty loud and clear the first time that you’d rather have someone with more notches on his belt.
I’m not offended. It bruised my ego a little at first, but I’m a big boy.
I compartmentalize fairly quickly,” I joked.
“And it’s a really attractive trait about you, I wish I was that good at it.
I’ve had so many bad experiences and I do have to take responsibility that I’m the common denominator in those situations, but it was why I was initially attracted to you.
You’re just so different than someone I’d usually get to know, I figured it couldn’t hurt to fly far from my comfort zone.
I’m literally kicking myself for not giving you the space before to hear your story. ”
“That’s okay, Jaq. I didn’t take it personally after a while.
It must have been a heavy burden to carry the weight of someone’s emotional regulation on their shoulders.
To know I might have triggered that response for you at least gives me a reason for that night.
Gives me faith future encounters won’t always end up so disappointing. ”
“Graham, we were both carrying things that night that would have made it a total bust. I’m almost glad we didn’t.”
“Well, thanks for trusting me and giving me the floor to explore my trauma,” I held out my hand to shake.
“Thank you for honoring all my annoying questions. I’m sure you hate all the stereotypes associated with being LDS, but thank you for indulging me for why a Black or brown person might consider the path your family took.”
“Can’t argue with good old-fashioned colonialism,” I joked, lightning up the mood.
“You just have…I don’t know. Even when you’re discussing your worst moments, you do it still managing to wear a smile on your face.”
“Better to laugh at trauma, I always say.”
“I’m glad we got this time to talk. I wonder…if maybe in the not so far off future, if you might be open to…I don’t know, hanging out?”
Pointing to myself, I asked in disbelief. “With me?”
“Of course, with you.”
“Honestly? I’d love that. If I had had a choice, we would’ve never stopped.”
“Well, you’re lucky I’ve never met someone like you,” as she reached in and soothed the back of my hand.
“What? A ruggedly handsome, cool yet corny twenty-eight-year-old virgin?”
“No. Just a person who isn’t trying to be someone he’s not. Someone who’s actually genuine. And someone who might make a good friend. In a time where we chase validation over connection, it’s nice to know people like you still exist.”