Chapter 35 #3
“That’s not what I meant,” I grind out, anger bubbling in my stomach. I’m angry at him and angry at myself.
I should’ve asked him.
He could’ve told me.
“You didn’t say a word for a whole year, Seb. You visited so many times and barely looked at my roommates. I can’t remember you talking to Olli at all! You spent evenings on the couch with me, and then did what? Walked out the door and made out in the library with him? Booked a motel?”
I’m ready for him to snap, but Seb’s shoulders sag under my question, the air draining from his lungs in one quiet whoosh. He looks smaller now, almost deflated, as one hand comes up to rub the back of his neck.
“No. I parked around the corner and climbed the apple tree,” he mumbles, and I stare.
“What?”
“The apple tree next to the house. You can reach O—his window from the upper branches.”
“You’re kidding.”
Seb closes his eyes and chuckles, his head leaning back against the car. “Wish I were. A few weeks ago, your roommate, the timid blond one, almost caught us. Had to jump right out the fucking window without a shirt on.”
“Linden,” I correct him weakly. “His name’s Linden.”
My heart doubles its beat at the mental image, cool sweat trickling down my back, when I realize my best friend doesn’t even know the name of my…
my what? By now, this is so much more than just a hookup.
Hookups don’t hold each other crying in the summer rain.
Hookups don’t share family stories. Hookups don’t wait for each other in the evenings.
But hookups have termination dates, and ours is approaching fast.
“Coach would have killed you if you broke a leg for a booty call,” I grumble, but my thoughts are racing. Even if Linden and I make it past the end of summer, will this be my future? Jumping out of Linden’s window so no one will catch on? Parking around the corner when trying to visit?
“Wagner hates my guts anyway. Would’ve at least given him a chance to sack me from the team,” Seb comments dryly.
I don’t say anything to that; instead, I press my sweaty palms against the cool metal of Seb’s Audi.
“We had threesomes during that time,” I suddenly realize, my gut cramping at the memory. Fucking hell, no wonder Olli never really warmed up to me.
“No, you had sex. I just…kept a reputation.”
“And he was fine with that?” I blurt out because I can’t imagine Olli, my loud-mouthed, out-and-proud roommate, being okay with anything like that.
Seb’s lashes flutter under my question, his eyes blinking open slowly, as if he’s reluctant to face the world. “At first, yeah. He said he understood. I mean, he knew I never really participated.”
I don’t think Olli really understood. I don’t think even I fully understand what it feels like to have to do this—faking one relationship after another, building an entire persona that isn’t yours.
To protect yourself and the ones around you.
But I know that I’m about to find out all about it.
I’ve already made my first steps into that world.
For a long moment, neither of us says a word. Somewhere in the distance, the sound of sirens breaks through the night.
“You could’ve told me, you know,” I finally mumble. “I would’ve been happy for you, man. Maybe it would’ve made it easier for you.”
“I wanted to. I just didn’t know how.” Seb’s quiet voice is loaded with exhaustion—not just from tonight but from months, maybe even years.
The hiding, I realize.
The constant worries.
The fear.
I thought I knew about it. I thought I understood.
Turns out, I had no clue.
“I wanted to tell you so many times, Micah. But it just—I didn’t know how to make it fit.”
“Fit?” I ask, my eyebrows drawing together in confusion.
“You and me, the frat, the team, my family, that’s one world,” Seb explains with a sigh.
His fingers have resumed scratching, wandering from his wrist up his arms. “And Olli…he was in another. He was something separate, something that was just mine. I thought if I kept those two worlds apart, I could have both, you know? Football and him. But that’s not how it works. ”
That’s not how it works—the words echo deep inside of me, carving themselves into my bones.
Linden, I think. And football.
That’s not how it works.
“If I had told you, it would have made it real. I knew you’d support me, but then I would’ve had to start thinking about a solution. Maybe I even would’ve had hope. I guess it was just easier to keep it separate and pretend I could compartmentalize forever.”
I almost don’t hear his words, my head spinning with everything that happened over the past weeks. Linden and I on his parents' farm, a summer that stretched forever.
Safe and separate.
Compartmentalized—just like I did with my family, everything stacked into one neat box.
Past, present, future.
I swallow thickly when I glance at Seb, realizing that I’m indeed watching my very own future play out in front of me right now.
I can’t, I think. I can’t do this.
“Seb,” I say, my voice breaking on the three simple letters. I don’t wait for him to look at me. Instead, I plunge right in. “I met someone.”