Chapter 1 Hakara #2
Alifra stared into the distance. “He knew. And he saved himself. Just think. Lithuas was right there within his reach. One stroke of a blade and he could have slowed restoration, thrown Kluehnn’s plans into chaos.
He could have spared so many lives. My daughter…
” She stopped, her voice choked with anger.
They were right, both of them. But that was in the past, and I had to consider the future.
“I don’t think he wants followers or wishes harm on us. He avoided us until I roped him into our schemes.”
“Maybe he’s just waiting for the right time,” Dashu said darkly.
“He’s old. Very old,” I said. “Terrible strategist if that’s true.”
Alifra walked away from us, pacing a circle before returning, her breath tight.
We both waited as she gathered herself. “He could have helped people, but he chose to help himself instead. We may not know if he wants power, but we do know he’s a coward.
Worst case, we’re letting a viper into our nest. Best case, we’re letting in someone who could abandon us at any moment but who could also be of immense help. ”
“I don’t think he’s a viper,” I said softly, reluctantly.
Dashu looked between us both. “I can’t say I’m so sure.”
Alifra flexed her fists. I knew the feeling.
Wished I could punch the big winged man myself.
But he had saved us, in the end. She didn’t meet Dashu’s eyes when she spoke.
“Aqqila has so many stories about the gods, and not all of them are bad. Didn’t Irael give that orator chance after chance when everyone else had given up on her?
She became a queen. You tell me that one all the time.
” Wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince Dashu or herself.
He crossed his arms. “So you would welcome him back in spite of his lies. You’re fine with him being magically linked to Hakara and always knowing where we are.”
“I didn’t say that.” Alifra gave him an exasperated look. “Wouldn’t be placing bets on his loyalty to us outweighing his loyalty to her. Not when they’re face to face again. But he’s useful.”
I hefted my bloody spear, the one I’d driven into the eye of Kluehnn’s aspect.
Felt a little bit less alone, seeing my struggle reflected in them.
“Now you see where I’m at. We need him, but we can’t trust him.
Any help he chooses to give us right now, I haven’t asked him for.
” I remembered the way we moved together, the way he always seemed to know where I was going, how he drew the aether right to where I needed it.
There was a part of me that wished he’d make the first move instead of lingering at the edges as though afraid of my reproach. If only he’d say the words that would make me understand, that would help me forgive him.
I didn’t know what those words were. If they existed at all.
Dashu tapped the enamel hilt of his sword, his jaw set as he looked to the skies. “Talk to him. Decide what we can trust him with. Our choices are not good and Lithuas is still out there.”
I sighed. “I’ll talk to him once we find a spot to rest.”
I left them there as I moved through the Unanointed, doing my best to offer reassuring, encouraging words.
What would Utricht have said? He’d been my arbor before Thassir, and had always seemed to know what to say.
He’d made me feel comfortable after only a few days, and that was feat enough as it was.
I wasn’t him, but the Unanointed seemed to appreciate my words.
Our ranks were diminished even more now. Seventeen after this fight.
We stopped at the edge of a stunted grove of trees and set up the tents.
I could feel Alifra and Dashu’s eyes on me, four sharp little prods that pushed me to keep my word.
Thassir landed just out of view when the last fire was down to embers.
And I was still awake, and I wasn’t a coward, so I set my jaw, took a lantern, and went to the edge of camp.
Looking at him directly, this close, was a shock.
He didn’t look any different from the last time we’d spoken, and maybe I’d built him up in my head to be more frightening.
He stood on the fringes, twenty paces away from the last tent on the perimeter, his large black wings tucked around his body, his mouth in a permanent frown.
He was carrying his own pack of supplies, though he had no blanket or bedroll.
Not like he needed them with his wings and this unexpected heat.
A few small spatterings of rain were all we’d seen of the end of summer.
I found my gaze drawn involuntarily to his mouth.
Generous, but not overly so, the gentle curves I’d once thought I’d seen tip into a smile.
Those selfsame lips had pressed to mine back in Kluehnn’s den, had breathed aether from beyond the third aerocline into my lungs.
The soft touch of them, the fire that had joined the one already burning through my veins.
The feel of his hands at my back and my neck, gentle and firm.
He’d kissed me, and I’d kissed him right back.
I’d wanted him, with a desperation that had surprised me.
Then again, I’d been dying and halfway out of my mind. Everything had looked hazy, draped in gold, Thassir’s sword somehow engulfed in silver flames.
Now I wasn’t dying, and nothing between us felt right. “I need your help scouting the way to the mines.”
Thassir was wearing the arbor patch Dashu had made him in the same spot I wore my bruiser one, mirrored, like we were two different views of the same person. He lifted a foot like he was going to take a step closer, and then decided better of it. “I can do that. Hakara…”
I closed my eyes, as though that would somehow shield me against his words.
I wasn’t sure why hearing him say my name felt like a shard of glass between my ribs.
Always with the accents in the right places.
How could I have missed it? The gods seemed to know – every language and who spoke which.
“Don’t… don’t give me platitudes. What you did was wrong. Or what you didn’t do, really.”
“Yes.”
I let out a little breath, glad at least that he’d not moved on to excuses. I wasn’t sure I could have borne that. But where did we go from here? I wasn’t sure. “You should have told me. You should have told me everything.”
His voice was a velvet whisper. “Are you sure?”
What would I have done, if he had? I’d have turned from him. I wouldn’t have had his help in the den. But I’d deserved the truth from him. I’d known he was a god and I’d been willing to let that go. I’d been willing to get past it. But this? Doing nothing while Lithuas schemed? “I don’t know.”
I opened my eyes and stared into his, wishing we could communicate silently, the way Alifra and Dashu seemed to.
I needed so much more from him, but I could sense he wanted something from me too, something I was unable to give, and we stood there like two islands across a stretch of ocean. No way to bridge the gap.
“I can find Lithuas for you, if you want me to. I can’t explain why, but we – she…” He stopped, leaning his head back as if he could tip the words back down his throat. “If I’m near to her when she uses magic, when she shifts, I can sense her.” He stretched it out to me like a peace offering.
I lifted my hands. I had no godkilling blade, nor a god’s powers to kill another god. “Would you kill her, if we found her?”
Thassir stayed silent, and when he finally spoke, his voice was a low rumble. “All you have to do is ask.”
All the fear came crashing in. I wasn’t meant for this, being a leader, being needed by so many people. I’d never made wise decisions; I’d only ever made decisions I’d thought would lead me back to Rasha. I licked my lips, my mouth dry. “We should break the bond.”
“If that’s what you want,” he said, his voice even.
Some treacherous part of me didn’t want that at all.
Some treacherous part of me wondered what it would be like if I stretched out a hand, if I led him to my tent, to my bed.
I wondered if he would let me. The world was going to shit, why not try?
Would I think about his eyes and the press of his mouth while he was moving inside me, or would I think about the way he’d stood aside and let countless people be slaughtered?
And then what? Would it be like it was with Altani, my old mining partner? Just two broken people trying to use small moments to deny bigger problems? What was the point?
I reached for him anyways, because what was I if not a fool who never learned her lesson? To my surprise, he flinched back. It gutted something inside me, a spoon plunging in and scraping away, leaving a hollow, painful sensation.
I swallowed, trying to push past the feeling, to pretend it hadn’t happened. “Get us to the mining camp tomorrow. Get us there safely. And then find me Lithuas.”