Chapter 44
Chapter Forty-Four
Trevor
Driving home, I’m still on an adrenaline high. While yesterday was nothing but false alarms and mundane calls, I hit the jackpot early this morning when we got the call that Tucker McQuaid, the wealthiest man in Calloway Creek, was on the floor of his bathroom suffering a presumed heart attack.
I don’t even feel guilty about how alive it made me feel. I mean, if the geriatric billionaire was going down, why not have it be me who saved him?
An ordinary run-of-the-mill paramedic without my medical background may not have even been able to keep him alive.
But because of me, the man will live long enough to have the life-saving surgery he most likely needs.
I’ll admit, part of me is bummed I won’t be the one performing it.
Because, damn, no matter how much I’ve loved the past twenty-four hours, I’d kill to get back in the operating room.
It’s a curious thought considering I don’t actually remember being in one. But just like how I’m drawn to Ava, maybe it’s my subconscious drawing me to surgery. Cutting. Saving lives.
For now, I’ll be content in the fact that because of me, Tucker’s wife Rose—who was a hot mess during the call—will get to have more time with the man she’s only been married to for a few years.
Because of me, his grandchildren and great-grandchildren get to have him around longer than they would have.
I pull into our driveway, excited about telling Ava how my first shift went. She said she wanted me to wear the uniform to bed when I got home. Does that mean she’s going to be here? Did she take the morning off so she’d be around after my first day back?
Anticipation courses through me as I plow through the front door and make a beeline to our bedroom, unbuttoning my shirt along the way. I step into the room and look around. The bed is unmade, but she’s not in it.
“Ava?” I walk into the bathroom. She’s not there. “Babe?” I say, going into the kitchen, wondering how she didn’t hear me come home.
But there’s no sign of her. I guess she decided to go into work after all. She’s a creature of habit if nothing else.
Which is why it’s unusual that she left the bed unmade.
A bit disappointed she wasn’t here with bells on, I resign myself to shower and change and then head over to the coffee house. Maybe I’ll be able to convince her to knock off early today for a little afternoon delight.
I smile as I leave the kitchen. I haven’t had to do much convincing to get her where I want her. Which is under me. Over me. In front of me. On top of me. We’re like young lovers in perpetual heat. Was it like this for us before? If it was, I was a damn lucky man.
On my way to the bedroom I see a large box in the living room that I’m sure wasn’t there yesterday.
And there’s a duffle bag on the floor next to it.
Looks like a military-issued one. I stare at it contemplatively.
Do I dare even bother? I don’t think I really care about anything in that bag. Maybe I’ll tell Ava to just toss it.
Then a piece of paper on the floor by the coffee table draws my attention. I walk over, pick it up, and read the first few lines.
Fuck.
I slump down onto the couch. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
This was in the duffle bag?
I reach for the envelope on the table. There’s just one word on it. Ava.
Not bothering with a shower, change of clothes, or… anything, I stride out the front door and jog all the way to the coffee house.
“Hi, Trevor.” Leah takes in my attire. “Nice uniform. How was your first shift?”
“Good.” I walk through to the back, not paying attention to anything or anyone else. Ava’s not in the back room or the office. I pop my head out front. “Has Ava been here yet?”
“Nope. Took the morning off.” Leah laughs. “Guess you got your signals crossed.”
“I guess we did,” I say, rushing out the front door.
I turn and go down the street and into Gigi’s Flower Shop. “Maddie, have you heard from Ava today?”
Her eyebrows rise. “Can’t find your wife? Trouble in paradise?”
“Something like that.”
“Jeez, Trevor, what did you do now?” Her demeanor instantly changes from cautiously playful to downright defensive. “You didn’t take off again, did you?”
“I didn’t take off, Maddie. I promised her I wouldn’t.” I run a frantic hand through my hair. “It was something I did… before.”
Her head tilts to the side. “Have you remembered something?”
“No. But I found evidence of me being a complete idiot.”
She nods to a display case of flowers. “Guess you’ll be making a purchase then?”
I snort, knowing she’s absolutely right. “Give me your biggest bundle of peonies.”
Her head shakes as she rings me up. “Trevor, she’s one of my best friends in the whole world. She’s already been through so much. Please don’t hurt her.”
“I don’t intend to. But I did something…” I close my eyes. “Fuck. I just did something stupid.”
Her jaw falls open and her eyes spit fire. “Trevor Criss, did you just find out you cheated on her?”
“God, no.”
In my head, though, I’m wondering if it’s possible. I have no idea when I wrote the letter as it wasn’t dated. And I’ve no clue as to where my head was after. What if I tried to get over her by sleeping with another woman? Or several of them?
Shit. For the first time, I both want and don’t want to get my memory back. If I did, would it reveal something horrible? On the other hand, it could exonerate me of all the monstrous things I’m now imagining I could have done.
“Well then.” She hands me the flowers. “Go get your girl.”
Exiting her shop, I look left—beyond the coffee house, the statue in the roundabout, the park. Because I know in my heart she’s at the tree.
I take off running, flowers gripped in one hand, pounding the pavement with every step, wanting to get to her quickly, knowing every minute I’m not there is another minute she’s in pain.
I slow as I approach her, both because I’m out of breath and because I’m not sure what she’s thinking.
She must hear my footsteps and heavy breathing because she looks up, eyes the flowers, and gives me a sad smile. “So you saw the letter?”
I nod and sit, setting the flowers at her feet.
Tears flow down her face. It wrecks me seeing her like this and knowing I’m the cause even though I have zero recollection of doing what I did.
I situate myself behind her, pull her against me, and wrap her in my arms, all the while thanking God she’s letting me.
“I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, Ava. ”
“It was true.” Her head falls back onto my shoulder.
“All of it. All I could talk about was having a baby. I was obsessed. I was watching all my friends have kids and I was crazy jealous of them. I wanted what they had. I know you must have dreaded coming home on leave every time because it was all about sex. And not in a good way. We weren’t being passionate with each other.
It was a box I had to check every time you were here. ”
I kiss the side of her head. “I’m sure it’s like that with most couples battling infertility.
It doesn’t excuse what I did, or what I was going to do.
Babe, we can’t be sure if I ever intended to give you the letter.
There wasn’t even a proper address on it.
What if I was just venting? I was obviously feeling inadequate because I wasn’t the man you needed me to be.
I couldn’t give you a child. What if, like how you wrote in your diary, I just needed to get those feelings out and move on from them? ”
“I guess we’ll never know.” She sniffs sadly. “God, Trevor… am I a horrible person for not wanting your memories to come back now? Because what if—”
“Stop it. That’s not going to happen. I’d still want you, Ava.” I touch her stomach. “I’d want this.”
She scoffs. “Yeah, but only because we succeeded.”
“I’m not him,” I say gently but with conviction. “I mean, I am, but I’m not. Not anymore.” I snort out a laugh. “You know what? I’m sort of relieved to find out the guy I was isn’t as perfect as I’d believed him to be.”
“Do you want the whole truth?” she says with a serious edge to her voice.
“After the IVF failed, I contemplated going to a sperm bank, finding a guy who matched your description, and passing off any resulting baby as yours. That’s how obsessed I was.
So you’re definitely not to blame. I missed us, Trevor.
The us we were before the infertility. Yes, I wanted a baby, but even more, I wanted us back.
And I was willing to do anything to get it. ”
“Well, we have us back now, don’t we?” I give her arm a squeeze. “I guess we both wanted the same things then, we just went about it the wrong way. I’m not going to judge you for thoughts you never acted on, Ava.”
“And I’m not going to hold you responsible for writing a letter you don’t even remember.
” She turns around in my arms and looks me in the eyes.
“And we’re not the us we were before. We’re better, Trev.
Even before we tried for a family, things had started to become routine.
We’d just been together for so long I guess.
But now… now everything is exciting and new.
Every experience with me is new for you.
And because of that, it’s like I’m also experiencing things for the first time. ”
I cup her face and guide it closer to mine. “I’m just glad you don’t hate me. Because you have every right to.”
“I don’t hate you. I love you, Trevor. I loved you before, but this person you are now… I think I might even love him more. Or maybe I just love the combination of you both.”