Chapter 18
When Caleb walked into the apartment, he could sense something was off. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but the energy in the place was… tense.
“Jamie, I’m home. I just have to change, and then I’ll be ready to go.” Caleb threw his raincoat in the closet and looked around. “Jamie?”
No response. Odd since Jamie seemed so excited to go out to dinner. And Caleb was thrilled—this entire evening was Jamie’s idea. They hadn’t been on a date since Valentine’s Day—which hadn’t gone very well—and it felt like a step forward for them.
He heard some drawers closing in the bedroom, and he quickly took his shoes off. “Jamie, you okay?”
When he approached the bedroom, the door was cracked. Pushing it open, he peered into the room to see Jamie sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. Hearing Caleb approach, he looked up.
“Jamie? Have you been crying—?”
“Sorry,” he said quickly, turning away. “I, erm, I think we should reschedule dinner. I don’t feel much like going right now.”
“What happened? Are you hurt?”
Jamie slowly shook his head, tucking a curl behind his ear. He took his glasses off and wiped his eyes.
“Did something happen at the doctor?” Caleb quickly crossed the room and placed a hand on Jamie’s leg, but he pulled away. Caleb’s heart sank. Something was very wrong.
“Jamie, sweetheart…”
“You lied,” he whispered, still looking away. “About my insurance covering all the appointments. You’ve been paying.”
Fuck.
“Listen, Jamie…”
“I asked you if my therapy was covered by the NHS, and you said yes.”
“I know.” Caleb sighed. “Please look at me, J.”
The look on Jamie’s face when he turned broke Caleb’s heart clean in two. He looked so betrayed.
“All essential traumatic brain injury therapy is covered by the NHS.”
Jamie’s eyes flashed with anger. “Yes, essential. But you’re paying for weekly sessions, and they’re twice as long. And the testing last month was extra.”
“Okay,” Caleb said calmly. “But the testing gave you peace of mind.”
“Yes, but—”
“And the therapy is helping, right? You’re feeling better?”
“Not the point!” Jamie spluttered. “You lied.”
“Jamie, you told me when you got out of the hospital that you thought the therapy was really helping.” Caleb reached for his thigh again. This time, he didn’t move away. “Your short-term memory has improved, and your headaches have gotten better. You even said your anxiety is better, right?”
“Not at this moment.”
Caleb’s heart sank. “Okay, but in general. You’ve been improving, right?”
Jamie blinked. “I—well, it helps, but—I don’t need to go so much if it’s expensive.”
“Jamie,” Caleb palmed his face. “It’s helping you.”
“I don’t need them. Not if they’re a waste.”
“A waste?” Caleb reeled back. “How could anything related to your health be a waste?”
“They’re a waste if we can’t afford them.” He reached over to the side of the bed and held up a piece of paper. “I checked the post, and I can see how much you’re paying. Those sessions are bloody expensive.”
Caleb frowned and pulled away. “You’re checking my mail?”
Jamie laughed, but there was no humor behind it. “You think I overstepped? How ironic.”
“Fine, check my mail. I don’t care.” Caleb stood and crossed his arms. “The money is worth it to me.”
Jamie’s eyes flashed with anger, and it nearly knocked Caleb back. He’d never seen the man so pissed. “Is this how our relationship was, then? You make all our decisions?” He stood and pointed at Caleb with the bill. “And, what, I just twiddle my thumbs?”
“Of course not.”
“Because if I had known about this, I would have told you that I don’t need any more sessions—”
“Sweetheart,” Caleb sighed, reaching for him. “I didn’t want to stress you out. The sessions were helping, it didn’t make sense to stop—”
“I’m not a child.” Jamie’s eyes were glistening now, cheeks flushed with anger. “I deserve to make decisions for myself. If you knew me, you’d know that I hate being lied to.”
A mixture of guilt and anger flooded Caleb’s chest. “Well, if you knew me, then you would know that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”
He looked up to see tears streaming down Jamie’s face.
“I’m sorry I lied to you, but I’m not sorry I did it.
Not if it helped.” Caleb ran a hand through his hair.
“Don’t you understand? I fucking miss you, J.
” Caleb’s voice cracked. “I feel like I’m standing here while you live in an apartment with a stranger you don’t even remember…
loving.” His eyes burned as the truth tumbled out.
“And it’s not your fault. I know it’s not.
But I fucking—I miss us. And I know I can’t fix this.
But if there is even one thing I can do to help you get your memories of us back, I will. ”
The room fell silent. The storm of anger inside Caleb quieted the moment Jamie’s face fell. He put the bill down and sat on the bed, letting his head drop into his hands.
“Baby…” Caleb dropped to his knee, placing his hand back on Jamie’s thigh.
Jamie looked up, eyes puffy and red. “Is that why you won’t sleep with me? Because you’re waiting for me to get all my memories back?”
“What? Of course not…”
“Then why? Are you not attracted to me anymore?” His forehead pinched with distress, and Caleb’s heart broke. How could Jamie possibly think that Caleb didn’t want him?
Jamie’s voice cracked. “I’ve tried everything, Caleb.
Short of writing I want you on my forehead, I’ve tried to show you how much I want you.
That I want to be here with you. I’m so embarrassed, I even—” His cheeks flushed as he dropped his head in his hands again.
“I was going to take you out and try to… seduce you tonight. All this time, I thought you didn’t want me.
But really, you’re just waiting for some version of me that’s… that’s gone.”
Caleb pushed through the lump in his throat.
“Jamie, baby, please.” He gently moved Jamie’s hands away, tilting his chin up until watery green eyes met his.
“If you think I don’t want to sleep with you, you’re insane.
Your body…” Caleb’s voice dropped, gaze lingering on the hollow of his throat. “You are fucking perfect.”
Jamie swallowed. “Then why haven’t you even kissed me yet?”
Caleb’s heart sank lower. He was such a dick. “You’re not just some man I want to hook up with, Jamie. I asked you to marry me, for fuck’s sake, and I’m just trying to be patient. To wait—”
“Until I go back to being the man you proposed to.” A tear slid from Jamie’s eyes, down his cheek. “So you’ve put up this wall until I remember again. Is that it?”
“No, just until…” Caleb sighed. “If I fuck you and then you decide you don’t want to marry me…
it would break me.” A stream of tears fell from Jamie’s eyes.
“I’m sorry, J, but it’s the truth. And I know that’s so much pressure.
But I’m just not strong enough to pretend like I don’t fucking love you. ”
Jamie wiped his eyes with his hands and stood. Caleb sat back on his heels, suddenly very tired. The room fell silent as Jamie pulled a bag from the closet.
“What are you doing?” Caleb asked.
“I’m going to stay with Ellie for a bit.”
“What?” Caleb flew to his feet, heart pounding. “What are you talking about?”
Jamie didn’t even turn. His shoulders slumped as he tossed random things into the bag. He looked utterly defeated.
“You don’t love me, Caleb. You love some other version of me that’s gone now.”
Caleb’s heart threatened to pound out of his chest at the words. His brain was going a mile a minute, trying to make sense of what he was seeing in front of him. This couldn’t be happening. He loved Jamie more than anything. Anything. This wasn’t happening, Jamie wasn’t leaving…
“And that version of me isn’t coming back. Doctor Wilson told me today.”
No. That wasn’t possible. They could come back—they would come back. Their love couldn’t just be erased like that.
Jamie hiccuped. “My memories are gone, Caleb. So you might as well find someone else because the man you loved is dead. He died in a bike accident.”
Caleb stood frozen to the spot, heart cracking into pieces, as Jamie slipped from the room and left.
If there is even one thing I can do to help you get back to who you were, I’ll do it.
The words were on a constant loop in Jamie’s head, making the horrible knot of pain in his chest expand.
Staying at Ellie’s the last few nights hadn’t brought the comfort he’d hoped it would.
Ellie was sweet, obviously, but she couldn’t magically take away the pain in his heart over Caleb.
The only thing that would help was a long bike ride—fresh air in his lungs, pedaling so hard his legs burned. It was the only way to clear his head.
But, of course, biking wasn’t an option.
So for two nights in a row, he’d let Ellie make him tea while he crashed on the couch, staring at the ceiling, agonizing over their conversation. He wasn’t even angry that Caleb lied. Just…sad.
I miss you, J. I miss us.
How could he blame Caleb? He was grieving his partner. His fiancé. The old Jamie.
Maybe Jamie was grieving, too. The sharp pain in his heart worsened as he thought back to the photograph hanging in the living room. Him and Caleb at that wedding. Jamie was so confident in that photo. He looked so… different than how he felt right now.
“Oh, love.” JB’s soft voice drifted into their office, startling him. He didn’t realize tears were streaming down his face until one splashed onto the report on his desk, smudging the ink.
“Fuck,” he muttered, dabbing at the paper. He’d arrived at work an hour early because he couldn’t sleep.
“Forget that report,” JB said, rushing over to the desk and snatching it up. “You have been depressed now for three days. I will finish this report for you. Go home.”
I don’t have a home.
“I can’t,” he said miserably.
Muttering to himself in French, JB pulled up his chair and sat across from Jamie.
He wore a form-fitting cream cardigan today that complemented his dark skin beautifully.
One hand held a takeaway cup while the other pressed his thin, circular glasses up his nose.
The man belonged in a fashion magazine, not a library.
“Mi chéri, are you going to tell me what happened?”
“Nothing.” Jamie wiped his face quickly. He needed to pull it together for work. “I just need to get some coffee. Walk to the cafe with me?”
“Ah, so…” JB held the coffee in his hand up. “Your man brought you this. He gave it to me to give to you.”
Jamie’s eyes flicked to the door. “Caleb’s here?”
“He was. I think he was unsure if you would want to see him.” JB plopped the coffee on the desk and stood. He brought the report over to his desk and started on it. “Caffeinate yourself. Then we will talk about what has happened with you and your American.”
Jamie’s entire body relaxed as he took a sip of the perfect caramel latte with oat milk. Closing his eyes, he took a deep inhale and held it. Imagining the air in his lungs spread to the tips of his fingers and toes, he slowly exhaled.
Caleb came to bring him coffee.
He hadn’t given up on them.
Setting down the mug, Jamie noticed a little note written on the cardboard sleeve.
I’m sorry about last night. Call me when you’re ready <3 -C
“Jean-Baptiste?” Jamie said, pulling the Frenchman’s attention away from his desk. “I need your help. I…I think I royally fucked up.”