Chapter 19
It took another two days for Jamie to muster up the courage to call Caleb. Per Ellie and JB’s advice, he’d taken some time to process the news that his memories would most likely not come back.
Many, many tears were involved.
After that, he detailed his conversation with Caleb to his friends, coming to the conclusion that what they both needed was a fresh start. A reset of expectations.
Jamie wasn’t going back, but he was still Jamie. And he and Caleb needed to talk about what that meant. If Caleb even wanted to keep trying…
“Your American man is very stubborn,” JB muttered as he entered their office and placed a coffee on Jamie’s desk.
Same as every day this week, it was a perfect caramel oat milk latte.
“I told him to come and speak to you. But he said he would wait until you reached out. Why have you not reached out?”
Jamie sipped the coffee and sighed. Delicious.
“I’m still figuring out what I want to say.”
“Ugh,” JB groaned, fanning himself dramatically. “He is just so handsome. I do not know how you’ve stayed away from him for so long. Figure all this out in the bedroom.”
Jamie almost spit out his coffee, cheeks flaming. Of course he missed Caleb. The ache in his chest had only grown bigger over the past week, being away from him. But after what he’d said to Caleb, and everything that happened, he wanted to be prepared when they finally had a conversation.
“I’m going to call him today,” he announced. JB perked up. “I promise.”
When JB finally turned his attention to his work, Jamie lifted the cup to see what Caleb had written today. It always made little butterflies come to life in his belly.
I hope you have an amazing day. Tell Clarence to… what do you Brits say? ‘Sod off’
Jamie snorted and tucked the cardboard sleeve into the pile he’d made this week. There were five now in the corner of his desk. He liked being able to see them—they were like little reminders that maybe things would end up being okay with Caleb—but they did take up a lot of space.
Pulling open a drawer to find somewhere to put them, Jamie froze. The bottom drawer of his desk was filled with little cardboard coffee sleeves, all with notes written on them.
Tears prickled his eyes as he reached down and slowly pulled out a handful. When did Caleb even—?
Love you so much. Have an amazing exhibit today! <3 -C
Still on for coffee tomorrow? I’ll pick you up at 11 :) -C
Hands shaking, Jamie turned each one over to find dates written on the back. They dated back to the week the two of them met—
Jamie stood abruptly, almost knocking over his coffee. “I have to go.” He packed up his things as fast as he could. Halfway out the door, he noticed JB smiling at the pile of notes on his desk with a smug look on his face.
The flat was empty when Jamie arrived. Caleb worked on Tuesdays, and it was only—he checked the microwave clock—10 AM. Shit. He just skivved off work to talk to Caleb without even thinking—
The front door opened, and Jamie spun to see a very shocked Caleb stepping through the door.
His eyes widened. “Jamie?”
“I’m so sorry, I should’ve called.”
“No, it’s fine.” Caleb’s eyes flicked down Jamie’s body, like he was trying to figure out if they were deceiving him, before he closed the door behind him. His muscles worked beneath his long-sleeved T-shirt, and Jamie had to try very hard not to stare.
When he turned back around, Jamie’s heart flew into his throat. “I didn’t mean to barge in on you. What are you… what are you even doing at home?”
“I took the day off and went for a run.” Caleb wiped sweat from his forehead with a palm. “Please don’t apologize for being here. It’s your home, too.” He blinked a few times, cheeks darkening. It was rare to see Caleb flustered.
“I was hoping we could talk,” Jamie said.
The corner of Caleb’s lip twitched with an unsure smile. “Yes, that would be great. Mind if I shower first?” He waved to his sweat-soaked chest, and Jamie nodded.
“I’ll be fast.” Caleb bolted into the bedroom. The shower turned on, and Jamie took a seat on the sofa, noticing how cluttered the living room was.
His heart sank at the open pack of cigarettes on the counter. Looking around the room, his eyes caught on the photograph of them at that wedding, then the rubbish bin with the sticky notes on it. Jamie’s heart sank, imagining Caleb here all alone.
He felt awful.
To pass the time and keep his emotions in check, Jamie picked up his book from the coffee table. After a few minutes of staring at meaningless words in his book, he heard the door to the loo open, and then Caleb rummaged around in the drawers for some clothes.
Caleb’s words from their fight echoed in his head.
I feel like I’m standing here while you live with a stranger you don’t even remember loving.
A week away had been torture, but it had provided Jamie with some clarity. The time provided the space to really imagine things from Caleb’s point of view. To step into his shoes. Jamie imagined going from being in love, to being engaged, to watching your person get hurt.
To suddenly finding yourself with this wall between you.
Pain shot through Jamie’s chest at the thought.
Caleb slowly emerged from the bathroom wearing fresh joggers and no shirt. Water still clung to the dark skin of his shoulders as he sat on the far end of the sofa, away from Jamie. He looked a bit more relaxed now, but there was a hesitancy to his body language that made guilt flood Jamie’s chest.
Silence stretched while Jamie mustered up the nerve to say something. He couldn’t stop staring at Caleb.
God, he was beautiful. All smooth skin, lean muscles, and gorgeous, dark eyes. He imagined him driving all the way to the British Library to deliver coffee to a man who’d stormed out on him.
“Jamie,” Caleb started, palming the back of his neck. Jamie’s eyes followed a water droplet rolling down Caleb’s torso. “I’m so sorry for what happened.” He squeezed his eyes shut and shuddered. “I know I fucked up, and if you came here to tell me you’re moving out… I understand.”
Jamie turned quickly. “What? No. Caleb, no. I don’t want that.” Caleb’s sad eyes met his. “I really don’t. I’m sorry I left. I just…I got so overwhelmed after what Doctor Wilson told me.”
Caleb’s eyes softened, and he squeezed the top of his thighs, like he was holding himself back from reaching for Jamie. “I know, and I should have been there for you at the doctor. I never should have lied. That was so shitty of me.”
Jamie nodded. “I think if I were in your position, I would maybe have done the same thing. I know how stubborn I can be.”
“I just—sometimes I don’t know what the right thing to do is.
I said all the wrong things when you were upset, and I’m so sorry.
” Caleb’s head fell into his hands, and it broke Jamie’s heart, seeing him look so miserable.
“I miss you so much it feels like it’s crushing me,” Caleb whispered.
“But it’s you that I miss, Jamie. Not some old version of you. You have to believe me.”
Tears formed in Jamie’s eyes. “I want to believe you,” he said weakly.
Caleb pressed his palms into his eyes, then looked up.
“I’m not who I was,” Jamie went on. “And I understand that you miss… him. And I’m trying. I tried, I mean. And now that I can’t get those memories back, I feel like I’m letting you down, and… I think it’s breaking my heart.”
“Jamie,” Caleb breathed. His eyes were wide and filled with regret.
“I’m scared,” Jamie blurted out, emotions rising hot in his chest. “I’m scared that I can’t give you what you deserve. That you’ll always be waiting for someone who isn’t coming back. That you’ll—”
Get tired of waiting.
Caleb slid across the sofa and pulled Jamie into his chest. Jamie melted into his scent and warmth.
“Sweetheart. Oh my God, you’re here.” His hand cupped the back of Jamie’s head. “Fuck, you’re alive and healthy. That’s all I want.”
Jamie choked back a sob. “It’s okay if you want more than just some carbon copy of your fiancé.”
Caleb pulled back. “Jamie. Let me be very clear.” He cupped Jamie’s face with both hands. “I won’t lie and tell you this hasn’t been fucking hard. I do miss you. Us. But I don’t see you as a carbon copy of anyone.”
Jamie’s heart stuttered as Caleb’s eyes dropped to his mouth.
“I see you as Jamie. My Jamie.” His throat worked as his thumbs gently brushed along Jamie’s cheeks. “Come home and let me show you. Let me show you that I want you. No one else. Just you, sweetheart.”
His eyes were clouded with a melancholy sort of longing. It made Jamie want to curl up in his lap and make outlandish promises.
But he wouldn’t make promises. Not until he was sure. He wouldn’t do that to Caleb.
“I want to come home,” he breathed.
Their lips were so close, Jamie felt Caleb’s breath on his face. His body tingled with need—the familiar blood-pumping arousal he always felt around this man.
Caleb’s strong hands slid down to his low back, pulling him closer.
“Come home, J. I… I’ll take care of you, I swear.”