12. Nyle Brown
“He’s in here.”
I wanted to hide and disappear, but I couldn’t.
If I even thought about it, I’d be in trouble, so I sat there with my head down.
When my mother and Coach walked in, I swallowed the lump in my throat.
Showing any type of emotion would make things worse for me.
I’d learned to bury it deep inside, but it was becoming harder by the day.
Renee came and sat next to me, pulling me in closer to her by snaking her arm around my waist. She used her hand to lift my head, and I could see the glossiness coating her eyes as she peered at me with a sickening smile. I cringed when she rubbed the side of my face and looked up at Coach.
“Just tell me what to do,” she said.
I tuned everything out after that. One of my coping mechanisms was taking my mind elsewhere. When I felt Renee’s hand slip past the waistband of my boxers, I thought about what would happen when everything was finally over. If they would ever be.
The feeling of Brittish gently shaking me woke me up. I sat up and looked around in the darkness, trying to control my breathing. Since I’d had the first dream, they’d become consistent, and they were never different. The same thing occurred, and I knew . . . I knew it had happened.
Brittish leaned over and turned the lamp on. She carefully placed her hand on my bare back while intently studying me.
“Another dream?”
All I could do was nod. Throwing the covers off my body, I tossed my legs over the bed and headed to the bathroom to relieve my bladder.
After splashing some cold water on my face, I took a moment to gather my thoughts and emotions.
A part of me was angry with myself for suppressing it because now, I felt like I needed to heal from everything all over again.
I knew the steps I needed to take, but it wasn’t easy taking them.
For the first time in a long time, I needed clarity. I needed to know why Renee did me like she did. I needed to know how she could hurt me like that and not feel bad about it. She’d caused me so much damage, and here I was, a grown man still dealing with mommy issues. Shit was weak as hell to me.
A soft knock at the door followed by Brittish’s low voice snapped me from my thoughts.
I opened the door to see her standing there with her robe and arms tightly wrapped around herself.
She peered up at me with those loving eyes bouncing all over my face.
It was something she’d been doing more of lately, trying to gauge exactly how I felt without asking.
Crazy thing was, most times, she was spot on.
Brittish had learned me so well. We were connected on so many levels that it amazed me.
I invaded her personal space, kissed her forehead, and assured her, “I’m okay.”
“You know I don’t believe you, right?”
“Well, I’m not, but I will be.”
“What’s on your mind right now?”
I adjusted my bonnet and sighed. “Do you think it’s crazy that I want answers?”
“That’s the furthest thing from crazy. Truthfully, you need answers. My only concern is how you will process them if you get them.”
“Me too, because I damn sure ain’t processing this shit well.”
“That’s because it’s new and fresh. It’s like a wound that reopened, one that you never knew you had and remained a scab until now. You’re bleeding again, and that’s okay. The wound will become a scab again, but this time, it’ll fully heal.”
“Oh, wow. I never thought of it like that. That’s a perfect way to put it.”
Brittish beamed. “I might know a little something. You want to lay back down?”
“Only if you sing to me.”
“I’ll do anything you need.”
Our fingers intertwined as we went back to bed. Brittish sat up while I laid my head on her lap. She removed my bonnet, and her fingers met my scalp. My eyes closed as my body, mind, and soul relaxed with her. When she hummed a low tune, I swear, I fell in love.
“It’s okay to be vulnerable with me. Baby, I won’t judge.
It’s okay to show me your scars. Baby, I’ll help you heal.
I’ll be everything you need, but only if you let me.
Only if you don’t push me away. Nothing you go through has to be handled on your own.
I’m by your side. I’m your ride or die. Baby, I see you. ”
Her voice and those words . . . I loved how she seemed to always choose the right song to fit the moment and express herself.
“Brittish?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
For a moment, her fingers stopped moving, and her body stilled. I held my breath, wondering if the feelings were one-sided. The pause and silence had me second-guessing telling her, but it didn’t waver what I felt. Even if she didn’t feel the same, I knew what I felt wouldn’t change.
Her breasts almost suffocated me as she leaned down and kissed my temple.
“I love you too, Nyle. I really do.”
That was all I needed to hear. I lifted and lay on my pillow so she could get comfortable. Face-to-face, I pulled her body into mine and kept my arm around her.
“If I become distant, I’m sorry. It won’t be intentional, but I’m not confident enough in myself to say I won’t be. When I’m deep in my mind, I pull away from everyone. You can ask my family. It took me a long time to come out the shell I’d become. Slowly, I feel the shell forming around me again.”
I had to be honest with her. Brittish didn’t deserve for me to go silent on her again without explanation. I wanted her to know I was trying my hardest not to, and honestly, she was helping me. Anytime a layer of shell formed, she somehow removed it. It was as if she knew.
She palmed the side of my face. “Remember what I told you. Just let me know beforehand. Even in the Bible it talks about staying to yourself when things get heavy, so I get it. Just know I won’t be too far away. I’ll always be within reach.”
The last thing I wanted was for Brittish to slip through my grasp.
I’d be a fool to lose the one woman who loved and understood me, the woman who was sticking by my side through what was becoming another dark moment for me.
More than anything, I needed God to guide me through it.
She wasn’t the only person I needed to show up for, and I refused to let any of them down.
I’d missed two practices. Weston kept asking what was wrong, but I told him it was personal. Even Zaina and AJ were concerned. My biggest thing was that I didn’t want my energy to rub off on the boys, so I stayed away, but I knew I couldn’t do it again.
Right now, life was hard, but I’d get through it. One day at a time.