Chapter 28
I knew, even before it was confirmed with the two little blue lines, that I was pregnant.
On my last run in Hyde Park, I’d had to stop for a pee behind a tree, something I’d never had to do before, and my breasts felt painful to touch.
I also knew that I’d not been careless with my contraception, but rather I’d played Russian Roulette, reckoning fate would play whatever card it deemed best. And fate had certainly played a blinder.
Come up trumps. Whether for the best, and who owned that card, I really had no idea.
Part of me still couldn’t quite believe that at the very first opportunity of gambling with my body and its fertility at the ripe old age of forty, I appeared to be calling, ‘Bingo!’
A miserable cold March had morphed into an even more wet and miserable April, with the beginning of May not looking a good deal better, and I longed for sunshine and warmth.
I’d kept to myself my double life with both Michael and Theo, not even confiding my duplicity to Gemma, and although I think she suspected, she was so wrapped up with doctor and hospital visits as well as terrible morning sickness, I was too ashamed of my infidelity to confide in her.
Luckily for me, I was given leeway by Michael spending ridiculous amounts of time navigating what appeared to be a period of significant mid-term unpopularity, marked by intense internal divisions over the Iraq debacle, strained relations with trade unions as well as preparations for what would turn out to be a disastrous set of local elections.
I managed a couple of evenings with him when I knew I had to tell him what was happening in my life – our life – but he was so stressed, constantly on the phone, and on both occasions ended up leaving early, called in to speak to the PM.
And how did I tell Michael what was happening, when I didn’t know myself?
During these wet, grey spring weeks, I’d spent a lot of time on the phone with Theo, usually from out on the estate as he tended to the sheep, or while out walking Florence.
And then his son’s school had called in a panic.
Angus, his elder boy, had deteriorated with what was thought at first to be a simple sore throat, but now was much more serious, and he was in hospital fighting for his life with suspected meningitis.
Theo rang me, just the once, to tell me he and his wife were at Angus’s bedside, and I told him he must not, in any circumstances, ring me while this was going on.
His absolute priority had to be Angus and his wife.
So I called my big brother, told him I needed him, and was he free to come over?
‘I’m pregnant.’ I blurted out the words even before he’d sat down in his usual place at the breakfast bar in my kitchen.
‘Woah! Well, how fabulous! Congratulations! Where’s the champagne?’ He stood, moving in for a congratulatory hug, but feeling my tension, he stepped back, holding me at arms’ length and looking down at me.
‘Ah! Not congratulations then?’
‘It’s complicated.’
‘Is it? Well, Michael must be over the moon. He spent most of your party not only telling me he’d proposed, but that he was planning to have a whole raft of kids.’
‘Jesus!’ I stared at David.
‘So, what did he say when you told him?’ David frowned when I didn’t say anything. ‘You haven’t told him?’
‘He’s been at Number 10 until the early hours most of the week. Even spent the weekend down at Chequers.’
‘Oh? You weren’t invited?’
‘It was an emergency call rather than a social one.’
‘Well, I get that. The PM’s looking on thin ice.’
‘David, I don’t really care about infighting in the government at the moment.’
‘Not like you!’ David stared. ‘Well, you could at least have phoned Michael.’ David was a bit put out.
‘I mean, I don’t suppose there’s much chance that I’ll ever get to be a father.
You know as well as I do the idea of marriage, let alone adoption, for two gay men is still frowned upon.
But, Anna, if I ever do become a dad, I’ll want to be the first to know…
’ He broke off when he saw my face. ‘What…?’
‘David, I don’t know if Michael is the father.’
‘What? Oh, for heaven’s sake, Anna… So…? Who…?’
‘Do you remember at my party, when you came to look for me?’
‘And you were talking to that bloke you used to know from years back? The one Mum always reckons you never got over?’
‘I didn’t know you’d talked about Theo Mandeville to Mum,’ I said, surprised. ‘I’ve certainly not said anything to you. Or to Mum.’
‘Mum knows everything.’
‘She didn’t know you were gay when Dad and I both knew.’
‘Anna, we’re not talking about me.’ David was cross. ‘This is a bit different.’
‘A bit? Jesus.’ I closed my eyes.
‘So does this Theo Mandeville bloke know?’
‘No.’
‘And are you seeing him again or was it a one-off? A night to remember? In every sense of the word?’
‘More than that.’
‘And?’
‘And both Michael and Theo could be the father of this baby. Both of them have so much on their plates at the moment, I can’t tell either of them just yet.’
‘What’s this Theo bloke so busy with? Or is it that he’s giving you the silent treatment, Anna? Got what he wanted and now shot off back to his estate and his wife again?’
‘Again?’
‘Well, didn’t he do this before? I remember walking round and round with you when you were so upset. Michael seems to be the one man who’s made you forget him. And now this?’
‘Theo’s at his son’s bedside. He’s dangerously ill with meningitis.’
‘Jesus.’ David shook his head. ‘Not good. Do you remember my friend Jane’s son d—’
‘Thank you, yes, I do,’ I interrupted.
‘I’m sorry. What are you going to do? I mean, at the end of the day, what do you want?’ David took my hand. ‘Do you want a baby, Anna? You’ve never given me any impression that children have been on your wish list.’
My hand moved protectively to my abdomen. ‘David, I want this baby more than anything else in the world.’
‘Even more than this Theo bloke?’
I nodded when I realised I did.
I knew I had to tell Michael that not only was I pregnant, but I couldn’t be sure the baby was his.
He was tired and irritable when I called, having flown out to Brussels and back in one day, before heading for Downing Street and more meetings there.
‘I’m just about to jump in the shower,’ he said. ‘But come over, Anna, although I’ll probably fall asleep on you and not be up to much.’
Twenty minutes later I was at his apartment in Putney.
‘What’s up?’ he said as soon as he opened the door to me. ‘You’re looking a bit serious?’
I followed him into the kitchen where he reached for the kettle.
‘Michael, I’m pregnant…’
He shot round, kettle in hand, his face a picture.
‘…but I’m sorry…’
‘What? What?’
‘Michael, I’m so sorry… the thing is… I recently met up again with someone who used to mean a great deal to me in the past…’
‘And?’
‘And… and… you know, this is my baby.’
Michael folded his arms, never taking his eyes from me as he leaned against the kitchen cupboards. He looked dreadfully tired, his eyes red rimmed with fatigue. ‘So, if I’m reading this correctly, I think what you’re trying to tell me is that at least we know who the mother is? Yes?’
I nodded. ‘The thing is, I don’t know if it’s you or Theo. You know—’
‘Ah,’ he interrupted. ‘The wonderful Theo Mandeville?’ Michael almost spat his name.
‘Oh? You know who he is?’
‘Of course I do, Anna. Don’t forget James Armitage, his brother-in-law, is in the shadow cabinet.
We may sit at opposite sides of the house, as well as be poles apart politically, but we do chat.
Once he knew I was seeing you, he said to give you his regards.
He’d met you at some hunt ball, I believe. ’
‘His regards?’ I stared.
‘Told me all about Orgreave and your brother Les.’
‘I’ve told you all about Orgreave and my brother Les.’
‘Yes, for you to boast about being there, at the hub of it all.’
‘Excuse me…?’
‘Come on, Anna, it’s a good story to tell.
What you’ve always failed to mention is that you’d been having a thing with Sir Hugh Mandeville’s son, persuaded him along to prove some sort of point and then when he was injured, lost his fingers, could no longer pursue his dream of representing England at squash, you abandoned him… ’
‘It was not like that!’
‘So, come on then, tell me, what was it like?’ Michael took my arm, forcing me to look at him.
‘Could you take your hand from my arm, please. You’re hurting me.’
‘And you’re not hurting me? Coming here, telling me you’ve been shagging around with some ex-boyfriend and then trying to palm off the result on me.’
‘Palm this baby off?’ I stared at Michael, felt I didn’t know this man I’d been seeing for a year.
He still had hold of my arm, and I was instantly back almost twenty years, in the NUM offices, John Dyson grabbing hold of my breast, furious that I was ending the relationship.
Both men affronted by a woman appearing to have the upper hand, their very masculinity clearly called in to question.
‘Please let me go.’
‘I’m sorry. Anna, I didn’t mean to hurt you.
’ He let go of me immediately and I elbowed him out of the way, picked up my keys and headed for the door.
I spoke as calmly as I could but without turning round.
‘I needed to be honest with you, Michael. I’m so terribly sorry I’ve put you through this and you’ve every right to feel anger.
I don’t blame you at all. I know how much you want children of your own, but don’t you see?
I couldn’t lie to you and tell you the baby’s yours.
I mean, it’s quite possible it is yours.
But I don’t know. I just don’t know! Look, Michael, I understand if you want nothing more to do with me.
I’ve betrayed your trust – I’ve never done anything like this before – and you’re the one to suffer. ’