Chapter 29
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Ben didn’t know his heart could break like this.
As he listened to his son’s inconsolable cries, he could only stare straight ahead and run a comforting hand up and down his little, trembling back. This was all his fault.
His son had learned the ugly truth about his birth—way before Ben had wanted.
If it had been up to him, he’d have willed this day to never come.
But it was here. Because Hannah was back.
Talk was up in town, and Paisley must have overheard it.
Now his son was suffering in a way he never should have.
He should be the one suffering, not his boy.
How had Hannah known? Then he spied the horseshoe in the window. So Cooper had sent up their version of the bat signal.
When he’d seen Cooper moping around some time back, especially missing his mother, he’d told his son to give his father a sign by putting the horseshoe in his window.
Hannah had made him promise to do the same when they were kids after his own mother had left.
Having her visit him when he was upset had lessened the pain and confusion he’d felt.
He’d thought to help his son the same way, and it had worked.
Striding around the ranch yard, Ben had been able to see it—or someone else would and tell him—and know his son needed him.
Except Hannah had seen it today and comforted his son, bless her sweet heart.
He finally lay back and pulled Cooper on his chest, letting him cry it out as Tank made his own mournful sounds beside them. Will had been a crier when they’d been young. Reba said he was like a pot that boiled over, and you just had to let him.
Still, every tear, every tremble from Cooper’s little body, every little heaving breath after a painful wail took a piece out of him. He’d rather be horsewhipped than listen to his own child cry, knowing there was nothing he could do to undo what had been done.
Now he had to put his son back together the best he could.
God, give me strength.
When his son finally started winding down, Ben could tell the episode had worn him out. He was lying weakly on Ben’s chest, sniffling. Ben’s shirt was a mess, but he didn’t care. All that mattered was his boy.
Cooper finally lifted his head up, his little face hot and wet with tears, and wiped his runny nose with his shirt. “P-Papa—”
Ben had to clench his teeth to fight back his own emotions. “Yeah, son?”
“P-Paisley told me things,” he stuttered out. “B-bad things.”
He cupped the back of Cooper’s head and looked into his bloodshot blue eyes, praying to say the right thing with all his being. “Why don’t you tell me what she said, and then I can tell you what you need to know?”
The little boy managed to get the whole story out with more tears. Paisley had overheard her mother talking, and because she was loyal to Cooper, Paisley had wanted him to know what people were saying about him. Ben wished he could see it that way.
Except Ben almost smiled when Cooper shared that Paisley had said she didn’t believe for a moment that Cooper was a mistake.
Babies were never mistakes. They were blessings.
That was what people always said. She didn’t understand how anyone could say that about Cooper.
By the end, all Ben could think was, God bless that little girl.
Cooper gripped Ben’s shirt, his head ducked down, wiping more tears. “Paisley said e-everyone in town knew M-Mama was t-troubled. I was too much for h-her. Which-which is w-why you have me and n-not her.”
Ben started shaking his head. Screw those people, and to hell with Wanda and her gossip.
“Cooper, look at me, son.” He cupped his head and searched his tormented eyes.
“You are the biggest blessing of my life, and not just to me. Your uncle Will and your two grandpas and Gramps and Grams feel the same. Then there’s Reba and Charlie and a whole bunch of other people on the ranch and in town that I could name.
Cooper, you’re so special, naming everyone would take all night. ”
He sniffed and wiped at his eyes this time, cuddling closer. “H-Hannah said you told her I was the greatest m-miracle of your life and that you l-love me so much.”
Ben thanked God Hannah was the kind of woman she was. That she could be here for his boy when he needed someone… It moved him. Oh, how it moved him. “She’s right. I love you so much sometimes my chest feels like it’s going to burst open. Like a dam overflowing with snowmelt.”
Cooper leaned in, and Ben tucked him against his chest. “Paisley said you t-turned to Mama because you were m-mad Hannah left. That you made a big m-mistake. Me.”
Ben took him by the shoulders, panic filling his belly. He had to make Cooper understand. Today. This kind of hurt could break a kid. Hadn’t he blamed himself for his mother leaving? He’d carried that hurt into adulthood, accusing Hannah of being cut from the same cloth when she left.
“Son, Paisley’s right about your mama being troubled. That was my mistake, that I didn’t see, but you are definitely not a mistake. You hear me? That’s the craziest thing ever.”
His son stared down in his lap, sniffing. His continued pain burned into him like acid.
“Cooper, nothing is more important than you—not this house or my favorite horses or my new truck. That’s how much I love you.
Does that sound like a mistake? Please don’t listen to their nasty words.
They’re acting like mean kids at school when they call you names.
You remember what we say about that, right? ”
Cooper gave a little headshake. “Some folks just don't mix well with others, so we give them a wide berth.”
“That’s right,” he reiterated, kissing the top of his son’s head, “and when they hurt your feelings, you come and tell me.”
“I put up the horseshoe, Papa.” He knuckled away more tears. “I snuck out from the main house because I wanted you to see it before you left for your picnic. I needed to tell you what Paisley said.”
“I’m so glad you did.” He made sure to smile. “Now we’ll do something to help you feel better. But I want you to remember that what they said or did is more about them saying that about themselves than you.”
His son turned silent, and Ben waited him out. “Except…they weren’t only calling names. They were telling stories.”
Ben wanted to sigh. His son was too smart by half.
“And since this story concerns me, don’t you think I know the truth? You, Cooper McAllister, are not a mistake. Do you believe me?”
The little boy nodded, but he ducked his chin. “But… Papa, do you sometimes wish Hannah was my mama? Paisley said some people thought you did.”
He wanted to smack the lot of them. “Cooper, the only way you can be you—the boy I love with all my heart—is by being the son of me and your mama. I wouldn’t change that for the world.”
He knew he wasn’t answering Cooper’s question directly, but he prayed it was the right response. Moments like these had no handbooks, and they sorely tested him.
“You are well loved because you are a special boy,” he said, lifting Cooper’s chin so he could meet his gaze. “The best I ever met. I’m proud to be your papa, and I’m grateful every day you’re my son. I can’t imagine living without you.”
“Me either.” Cooper’s eyes filled with tears, but he brushed them away. “I’m glad you’re my papa too. I love you, Papa.”
He launched himself at Ben, wrapping his little arms around him. Tank gave a startled bark as Ben hugged him fiercely. The storm was over, but he wondered if there would be lasting effects. Dear God, please no.
“Papa, are you still going to go on a picnic with Hannah? I didn’t mean to stop it.”
There was no question where he was staying tonight.
“We can go another time. You and I are going to assure Reba you’re all right because she’s probably been looking for you.
Then I’ll grab some food and build a fire outside so we can roast marshmallows after we eat.
I’ll even pitch a tent if you’d like so we can camp out. Anything you want.”
Cooper laid his head on Tank’s body. “Can we invite Hannah too? She gives good hugs.”
He chuckled. “She does.” His son’s request surprised him, especially given how distraught he’d been moments ago. “You want me to ask Hannah to come with us to roast marshmallows?”
Nodding shyly, he played with Tank’s paw. “I like Hannah. Paisley said everyone thinks you still love her and want to marry her. She said it’s because you let her drive your truck. You don’t let Uncle Will or Grandpa drive your truck.”
He wanted to sigh. One little act and the whole town thought they knew him. Then again, he supposed as a sign it was telling. He’d been lying to himself, telling Will he only wanted her to have the newest, safest vehicle on the ranch.
“How about I take you down to the main house where you can make up our plates while I run up and ask her?”
For a second, he wondered if having her join them tonight was the right thing. While he hoped for a second chance, they hadn’t talked about it. Then he realized he was being too serious. Cooper liked her. He wanted her there.
Don’t overcomplicate things, Gramps had told him. Right.
“Come on, let’s go and grab some grub.” He scooped Cooper up and carried him all the way to the main house like when he was little, his son’s arms wrapped around his neck.
When they entered the dining room, Reba immediately shot out of her chair. “I looked everywhere—”
Ben shook his head, making her trail off as he settled Cooper on the ground, keeping his hand on him. “Sorry, Reba. Cooper needed a little Papa time. Can you show him where you’re keeping the marshmallows these days? After we make ourselves a plate, we’re going to roast some.”
Reba held out her hand. “How about some chocolate and graham crackers too? In case you want to make s’mores.”
“Okay,” Cooper mumbled, grabbing her hand after looking up at Ben.
He shot him a wink. “Now, s’mores are a great idea.”
As Reba left with his son, he felt everyone’s eyes on him. “Talk in town about cut him into little pieces, but we’re working on the mending.”
“Talk about you and Hannah?” his dad pressed with a massive frown.
When Ben inclined his head, he heard a few mumbled swear words from the men at the table.
Grams said nothing. She had her mouth pressed in a firm line. “Those mean biddies at Wanda’s store, right? Don’t they know little ears hear everything?”
“Women like that don’t care any,” Gramps said in a savage voice. “They’re nothing but a bunch of clatterfarts.”
“Clatterfarts is too nice for them,” his father snapped, throwing aside his napkin.
“For once, I agree with you both,” Grams said, scanning the table. “Which is why you’re getting by with that word at dinner.”
“You okay, Ben?” Will only asked, his voice filled with concern.
He tried to smile to assure them. But all he could do was shake his head, feeling his throat clog.
“My boy…” He had to pull himself together.
“My boy felt like he was a mistake. Because I made one. I knew this talk would come someday. It’s been my worst nightmare, but hearing him sob his little heart out?
Knowing I’d caused it? Maybe I’m the one you should be calling names. Not those shortsighted women in town.”
“Benjamin McAllister!” Grams stood and walked over to him, putting both her soft hands on his chest. “Dear heart. Listen to your grams. We haven’t spoken much about what happened out of sense of giving you your privacy.
You’re a grown man, after all, and a proud one.
But seeing you hurt like this and talk so badly about yourself, I won’t be silent. ”
When she tapped his chest gently, he worried about his vision blurring because of the wetness in his eyes.
“It’s time to stop blaming yourself. I’ve watched you pick yourself up after what happened and do everything you could to make it right.
Was it a tough lesson? No one knows that better than you.
But when I look at you and Cooper, all I see are blessings.
Everyone at the table agrees with me too. You think on that.”
Then she patted his cheek, her eyes filled with love, and walked back to the table where Gramps took her hand. His father sent him an assuring nod while Will pointed at Grams and gave a thumbs-up. Will had told him he was tired of seeing his brother punish himself.
God, he was tired too.
He stood there, fighting his emotions. “Thank you…I’ll be back in a sec.”
When he let himself out of the house, he took one deep cleansing breath after another.
Somehow hearing how they felt about what he’d done—really done—had lessened the weight inside.
They’d never said much, and he’d wondered if it was because they’d been so disappointed.
Perhaps they had been, because they had a right to be.
Except that wasn’t what he’d felt in that room. He’d felt compassion and love and even their hurt—for him and Cooper. They were the blessings.
But maybe it was time to start thinking better about himself. All his self-loathing had done was make him angry and push away the people he loved, who loved him. First, Hannah, and then Will. These past few weeks, he’d had a second chance to repair those relationships, and that was a blessing too.
He started walking up the yard toward the other blessing in his life.
His heart beat faster as he increased his stride.
Hannah had held his boy with such care and kindness…
even if it might have hurt her. She had put Cooper first, and not many women could do that.
Then again, she’d always been one in a million.
And what had been a horrible evening suddenly filled him with renewed purpose.