Chapter 12 #2
There’s a tense silence for a moment where I wish I’d never told her any of this. I feel suddenly vulnerable and out of control. I don’t like her knowing this about me. I only want her to know the good stuff.
I’m not sure why I allowed the subject to be brought up.
I seem to have been lulled into a false sense of security here by the sun, sex and relaxed vibes.
It’s weirdly satisfying to say it all out loud though.
I’ve not talked about this in a really long time.
Not since I was drunk one night and let it all slip to Kit and Elliot.
‘I guess some people can’t be on their own, especially after a tragedy like losing their partner,’ Ida says carefully, clearly sensing my discomfort.
‘I’m not saying it was a great thing to do, but maybe that’s what he needed in order to cope and go on.
To have your stepmum as a support. Especially as you were still pretty young.
Perhaps he had no clue how to look after you on his own? ’
I shrug. ‘Maybe. Anyway, I was expected to just accept his new wife and son and carry on as if nothing had happened. As if my mum had never existed. It tore me up. That’s why I hated spending time at home with them all when I was younger.
And still struggle with it now. I’ve always felt like a fifth wheel.
Like I’m in the way of their new happy family. ’
‘So this rift between you all comes down to you feeling pushed out of the family when you were younger?’
‘Yeah, mostly. But I always hated how Darian could do no wrong in their eyes as well. I think my dad definitely preferred him to me and still does. He probably wishes he was his actual son.’
‘Ah, okay. So, this dynamic between you and Darian is making more sense to me now. And your determination to be more and more successful at what you do.’
I shrug and stare straight ahead of me, towards the horizon. But I don’t want to spend the remainder of my time here with Ida feeling like this. We’re supposed to be having fun, not psychoanalysing each other.
‘You’ve got me bang to rights, I guess,’ I say, turning to flash her a wry smile, hoping now she knows it all that that’s the end of it.
* * *
Ida
I get the impression Raffa doesn’t tend to discuss any of this with anyone else, judging by how tense and jerky his body language is right now.
But I suddenly really want to remind him he’s not the only one who’s felt abandoned. That I understand him – because I’ve felt a similar way all my life.
That we’re even more connected than we realised.
‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m a bit envious of you having parents who clearly care about you and actually want you around,’ I say.
‘Mine couldn’t give a crap where I am or what I’m doing the majority of the time.
It was always like that, even when I was young.
I would have loved to have a family like yours, especially if I’d got a sibling out of it. I always wanted a brother.’
‘Brothers are a pain in the arse. Especially younger brothers.’ He flashes me a wry grin, but then seems to realise how callous that sounded.
‘But yeah, I can understand why you’d want a sibling if you felt lonely as a child.
’ He shrugs. ‘But I wasn’t interested in getting to know Darian better.
I had bigger things on my mind, like getting decent grades in my exams so that after I’d travelled and worked – to get some real-world experience and enough money to pay my own way – I could go to a good university, be fully independent from them all and live my life the way I wanted to.
That choice worked out perfectly because I met Elliot and Kit while I was there. ’
‘And they became your new family?’
‘I guess they did, yeah.’
‘I bet your dad’s envious of that.’
‘I hate how needy he is. It drives me crazy.’
‘Better needy than neglectful.’
He lets out a snort, but then flashes me a consoling smile. ‘Yeah, maybe you’re right.’
I watch as he rubs his hand over his face. He looks tired all of a sudden. And a bit beaten, if I’m honest.
My heart turns over.
‘You know, I like you more and more as I find out about your imperfections,’ I say, wanting to get our old easy-going closeness back.
‘And I really like that you trust me enough to make yourself vulnerable and tell me this stuff. It’s really attractive.
Much more so than this perfect alpha businessman persona you’ve been trying to sell to everyone.
It makes me feel better about the crap bits of myself. ’
‘Oh yeah?’ He raises a sceptical eyebrow. ‘Which crap bits are those?’
‘The needy, insecure bits that make me believe I’m not worthy of love.’
‘Why would you feel like that?’
‘Because I grew up in a very empty house. I know I’ve been flippant about it, but I found it hard to be alone while I was growing up.
I’d often get home after school in my teens and be on my own till ten o’clock at night.
And my parents would travel for work and leave me by myself in the house for days and days at a time.
It was a pretty lonely existence and the house was big and creaky and I often imagined I could hear strange noises, which freaked me out, so I spent a lot of time downstairs in one room.
It was all a bit isolating. I got my friends to come over as much as I could, but their families actually wanted them around so they couldn’t usually sleep over much. ’
‘That sounds pretty shit for you.’
‘It wasn’t great. But I coped.’ I stare up at the sky, enjoying the soothing waves of heat on my skin.
‘I took my revenge on my parents being absent by making everyone else in the world my family. I decided there wasn’t much point in holding a grudge about something they’re clearly incapable of giving me.
It wasn’t my fault and maybe it wasn’t theirs either.
They were both born to be incredibly focussed on their areas of specialism and being the best in their fields, which meant other things had to give.
They chose to feed their inner critics and innate competitiveness by pointing all their energy towards their own lives and careers instead of me and mine. I think it’s called affluent neglect.’
I lift one shoulder in an offhand shrug. ‘But I’m different from them. I need people to give me my energy. So that’s the way I’ve chosen to live. If they want to see me now they have to fit into my schedule. Which I think is fair.’
‘It is.’
‘That’s not to say I haven’t spent a lot of time talking this through with a counsellor to come to this conclusion.
I know I’ll never be able to change their behaviour towards me.
It’s not something I can control, so I’m focussing instead on what I can control.
And that’s how I choose to live my life.
Much healthier in the long run for me to look forwards rather than back.
And don’t get me wrong, sometimes I slip and feel sorry for myself – who doesn’t?
I just have to remind myself of my goals and when I’m feeling mentally stronger, get back on the road I’ve chosen. ’
‘That must be really tough. Not feeling like your parents have your back.’
‘It’s not great. But I have a lot of good friends who look out for me.
And it’s made me really independent. I’m very good at looking after myself now.
It reassuring to know I’ll never need a partner.
I can run my entire life myself. There’s real power in that.
If I’m with someone long term it’ll be because I choose to be. ’
There’s a taut pause where we both look anywhere but at each other and I quickly blink away the tears threatening to form in my eyes.
‘I must seem like a total tosser, talking about my parents the way I do when yours are so absent,’ Raffa says quietly.
I flip him a grin. ‘Ah, don’t sweat it. Nobody’s life is perfect, right? It’s funny, isn’t it, the thing I’ve most craved in my life is the very thing that drives you mental.’
‘Yeah. Funny. Not ha-ha though.’
‘No.’
We gaze at each other for a moment, before smiling and turning away again.
‘You know it’s been really refreshing getting to know you better. You’re quite something, Ida Fury.’
‘Thanks. You’re pretty bloody cool yourself, RaffAlone.’
‘I’m not alone right now,’ he points out.
‘No, you’re not. You’re with me.’
There’s a beat of silence and I feel my heart begin to race as a strong urge to push at our new pact’s boundary takes hold of me. A hot pulse throbs in my throat and I feel suddenly light-headed with a mixture of excitement and fear.
I’m intensely aware that this could be a pivotal moment for our relationship.
Before I can think too hard about it, I take a deep breath, ready to say something crazy like, What do you think about us turning this fake relationship into something real?
But just as I summon the courage to speak, I see something in Raffa’s expression close down and he says, ‘Let’s get back.
There are some calls I need to do with my team soon. ’
Standing up on his board, he grabs his paddle and starts to move off before I’ve had a chance to process what’s just happened.
It doesn’t take me long to catch on though.
He’s sensed I was about to take us into dangerous waters and decided the best way to avoid it was to abort and go back to his place of safety.
But he’s not just abandoning a conversation. He’s abandoning us.