Chapter 15
RAFFA
Back in London everything seems very grey compared to the technicolour vibrancy of the Maldives.
I go into the office for the next couple of days to get into the deal-rescue operation, but the moment I walk in I immediately want to leave again.
Which is not like me at all.
I feel changed now. Different to the guy I was before going on that trip.
Now I’ve hashed things out with my dad I realise I feel less restless, but on the flipside, not having anything to fight against seems to have taken the wind out of my sails.
I’m suddenly not so driven to save this new business any more.
Before going to the Maldives – before Ida – I wasn’t ready to let someone else take the helm, perhaps because I thought I wouldn’t know what to do with myself after handing over the running of it.
I have a good idea what I’d like to spend more of my time doing now though.
Hanging out with Ida.
I miss her so much.
Not being able to be around her any more has given me an insight into what it must have been like for my dad to lose the love of his life.
I mean, it’s not the same as someone dying on you, but the loneliness I’m feeling right now, the aching hole in my chest and the dragging sadness… I guess I’m beginning to understand why he needed to fill that empty space beside him.
It’s shit being on your own when you’ve been used to having a constant uplifting, steadying presence beside you. With someone who makes you appreciate what you have right there in front of you.
Ida managed to see past the bullshit I feed everyone and found the real me hiding inside.
And she showed me a glimpse of how much better life is when you let people all the way in.
Because I realise now that I’ve been terrified of loving someone again ever since my mum died in case they leave me too. So, I’ve pushed away anyone who’s even got close to that. And of course, I’ve been using work as my shield.
Of course I have.
* * *
A couple of days later, when I think I’m going a bit crazy from having all these thoughts about Ida and what I’ve lost constantly rotating through my head, I manage to get hold of Kit.
It seems even he’s now in a serious relationship – I’ve not heard him sounding so happy and zen for a long time, not since our university days, come to think of it.
Then two days later I hear back from Elliot, who’s also in the midst of some kind of intense love affair, the details of which he’s keeping very close to his chest, in his usual fashion.
At least I assume it’s a relationship he’s caught up in.
His messages back to me have been brief and rather cryptic.
So both of my best buddies are profoundly distracted by their love lives and I’m out in the cold. Alone.
Not that I don’t deserve to be.
I’ve really fucked up here.
I want Ida back.
I really do.
And I want to make her feel so emotionally secure with me she’ll never want to leave.
That’s what will drive me now. Winning her respect and hopefully her love and adoration. But I’m never going to get that from her if I don’t give up my crazy pace of working.
I want her in my life, but I doubt she’s going to want that unless I commit to giving a relationship with her the time and attention it deserves.
Okay, I’m gonna fix this.
Let the Big Boss Battle commence.
* * *
So, I try contacting Ida, apologising for leaving early and telling her that I did what she suggested and spoke to both Darian and my dad before I left, and that I’ll explain more if she’ll agree to meet me. Then I wait with bated breath to see what her response will be.
But I get crickets.
I wait a couple of days, with my heart lodged firmly in my mouth, then try again.
Again, crickets.
It seems I’m going to need to grovel a damn sight more than this to get her attention.
So I send the following message to her:
RaffAlone
Okay, you’re right.
I get that the way I acted towards my brother was wrong now.
I thought I was the winner because of how much money I’ve accrued. But I’m not. Darian has so much more than me. He has a wife who loves him and is totally committed to him and felt secure enough to stand up and say that in front of all her closest friends and family.
I have money, yes, but I don’t have anyone to spend it on. Or rather with.
You’re right, having too much of the stuff can fuck people up. And relationships.
And you’re also right about me not appreciating what I’ve got.
So it’s time for me to slow down and take stock. I’m handing over my CEO role to my colleague and I’m taking a long break from work to get my shit together.
I’d really love to see you again.
I miss you.
Can I take you out on a proper date so I can grovel some more to your face? What do you say?
Finally, a day later, I get the following response, which I read with my heart pounding and my nerves jangling.
IDA
I’m really glad you’ve realised that about your brother, but the thing is, Raffa, I don’t want to constantly feel diminished by you and your ambition. I can’t be with someone who’s happy to walk away from me just to chase a bigger number.
You might have more material wealth than me – I’m a realist so I know I’ll never be a billionaire – but that’s not how I choose to measure success or happiness.
And I won’t allow myself to be overshadowed by it.
I just can’t live that way.
So as much as I like you, I’m not sure a relationship with you is a good idea.
My gut twisting with disappointment, I write back:
RaffAlone
I understand your concerns, but please consider giving me another shot if you feel able to. I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right with you.
IDA
I’ve thought about it some more and I’m not interested in having a partner whose attention I have to compete for. I’ve had enough of feeling small and invisible in my life, thanks, I’m not about to actively agree to it now.
No matter how good the sex is.
RaffAlone
And the conversation.
IDA
Yeah, that too, I guess.
RaffAlone
And the laughs we have when we’re together.
IDA
But that’s my point – when we’re together. I’m not the type to sit around and wait for a partner to ‘reward me’ with their presence and attention.
I want more than that.
I deserve more.
RaffAlone
You’re right, you do.
IDA
And you don’t get to have exactly what you want all of the time, billionaire.
I know you think if you throw enough money at something, you’ll be able to get your way, but that won’t work with me.
I get a say in this too.
Not everyone has a number.
But I do have integrity.
And yes, I realise I’m probably in the minority in choosing self-worth over the safety of a future with someone with your wealth, but that’s how I am.
Sorry to disappoint you.
RaffAlone
You could never disappoint me. The situation does, but not you.
And I’m truly sorry about the way I behaved.
I totally accept that I’m addicted to working. And I know why. It stems from when I lost my mum and my whole world fell apart. I totally went to pieces with grief that I couldn’t handle.
So I found something I could control.
Or I thought I had.
IDA
Thanks.
That’s brave of you to admit to that.
You know, the good thing about the way I grew up was that I realised pretty early on that no one was coming to save me. That I was going to have to look out for myself and make my own luck and fortune.
Which is exactly what I’m doing.
It’s my own version of taking control.
And I’m at peace with that.
RaffAlone
I know you are. That’s one of the things I dig about you.
Know this too: I’ll always come for you. If you ever need me.
I’ll do anything for you.
Anything you ask.
I genuinely just want you to be happy.
There’s a long silence, where I panic for a moment that she’s left the chat, so my heart starts to beat in double-quick time when I see her begin to type again.
IDA
Let’s do a video call on HelSkel
RaffAlone
Okay. I’ll call you now
She answers almost immediately and my body rushes with pleasure at the sight of her. Once again, I’m blown away by how beautiful she is. How much character she has in her face. How much intelligence in her eyes.
I can’t believe I was so stupid as to walk away from her. What was I thinking?
‘Hey,’ I say, my voice rough and a little shaky.
‘Hey. So, to address your final message, I am happy, dude.’
‘I’m glad.’
‘And I don’t need saving.’
‘No, you absolutely don’t.’ I take a breath. ‘Okay, since you don’t need me to save you, can I be your wingman instead?’
‘My wingman?’
‘Yeah. You know, the person who’s always got your back. The one you call when you need a getaway driver, or to be bailed out of jail or something.’ I drop her a wink.
She’s clearly trying to suppress a grin and it makes my heart lift with hope. ‘I like the sentiment behind that and I appreciate the offer of you being my partner in crime.’
‘Whatever it takes,’ I say.
‘You want a relationship with me that much?’
‘Yeah, I do.’
‘Are you really taking a break from running your company?’
‘Yeah. I’m taking some time away to figure out how I’m going to rebalance my life.’
‘I see.’
She’s quiet for a moment.
‘So you’ll have some free time to come on my show now then?’ Her eyes gleam with mirth.
I let out a low breath, wrinkle my nose, then say, ‘Yep. Absolutely. I’d love to come on your show.’
‘Liar,’ she teases.
‘Okay, fine. It wouldn’t be my first choice of activity.’ I hold up my hands in supplication. ‘But I’d be willing to come on your show if it would make you happy.’
She nods. ‘It would.’
‘Then consider it done. Just let me know when. I have a lot of time on my hands to fill now and it’s all yours.’
She fixes me with a serious look.
‘It’s important to me that we’ll be equals in any kind of relationship we have.’
‘We will be.’
There’s silence for a moment, where she looks away from the screen, and I hold my breath, hoping she’s not going to sign off and leave the chat now.
After a few more painful seconds, she turns back with a twinkle in her eye and says, ‘I tell you what, I’ll play you for it. The opportunity to win a date with me if you beat me at a game.’
I blink at her. ‘Seriously?’
‘Deadly.’
‘Which game?’