Chapter 14 #3
My dad puts his hand on my arm momentarily and gives it a squeeze.
‘You know, I’m aware that when you told us about the brilliant business deal you did, selling that app, that I didn’t handle it very well.
What I should have said at the time was that I’m really proud of you for what you’ve achieved.
I know your mum would have been too. Although she might have been worried about how much time you spend working.
But then, I don’t understand the whole business world, never having been in it the way you are, but even a layman like me can see you’ve done incredibly well.
I’m impressed, Raffa, really. Even though I know I haven’t shown it.
I think this whole atmosphere that’s been festering away between us since your mum passed away and I married Carrie has got in the way of a lot of things that I should have said to you, and I’m sorry for it.
Really. I’m not good at putting my feelings into words and you’ve been the victim of that.
I get why you haven’t wanted to spend much time with me over the years.
It makes me sad to think I’ve pushed you away, but I do understand it.
Anyway, like I say, I’m proud of you, son. And I love you.’
I can tell by the way his face has reddened and his eyes have filled with tears how hard it was for him to say all that to me. To make himself vulnerable enough to express his feelings, especially as he’s probably expecting me to throw it all back in his face.
I feel myself tear up too and turn away to swipe the heels of my hands across my eyes before he notices.
‘Thanks, Dad, I appreciate you saying all that. But hey, don’t worry, it’s not been all bad. It’s given me drive and purpose in my life, trying to get you to say you love me.’
My dad lets out a deep sigh. ‘Oh, Raff. I always have loved you. And I always will. I’ve not known how to connect with you over the years. Especially when you pushed me away. I couldn’t reach you and I got frustrated, then gave up. Which I never should have done.’
‘Yeah, well, like I say, the rage powered me through.’ I flash him a grin. ‘There’s been a positive side-effect – me wanting to prove to you how extraordinary I am, so you’d think of me as more than just a tag-along loose end from your past.’
He stops walking, so I do too, and we turn to face each other.
‘Look, son, I know we can’t just forget what happened back then, but we’d really love it if you came over to see us soon so we can talk about all this together.
Properly clear the air,’ he says with a hopeful smile.
‘Carrie promises to be less protective of me and kinder to you. She knows she can be abrupt and defensive and she’s going to work on it. ’
‘That’s good to hear. You can tell her I appreciate it and I’ll try to do the same. I can’t promise we’ll ever be best buddies, but I’ll put the work in too to make things easier when we’re all together.’
‘Thank you, son.’ He reaches over and presses his hand to my shoulder for a moment, right above my heart. He’s never been a demonstrative guy, so I take this as a real sign of affection.
‘Anyway,’ he continues quickly, taking his hand away, seemingly still uncomfortable with the touchy-feely direction this has taken.
‘We know you’re busy and you have a million other things to do with your days, but just know that you’re always welcome at our house.
Any time. Because it’s still your house too. We’re your family.’
Ida’s face flashes into my mind, her beautiful mouth widening into a smile, and I have to force the image away so I don’t tear up again.
‘Thanks, Dad,’ I choke out. ‘It’s funny, but hearing Ida talk about how her parents don’t give a shit about her has made me realise just what I’ve got with you guys. So yeah, I’ll be around more. I promise.’
‘She seems like a lovely woman, Ida. You make a good couple. It’s great to see you happy with someone.’
A heavy pull of sadness tugs at my chest. ‘Yeah. She’s great.’
‘Any plans to get married yourselves?’ he asks, though it’s clear from his playful tone he knows he’s pushing his luck with this question and is expecting to be rebuked for it.
I take a breath, trying to relieve the tightness around my heart.
‘I don’t think either of us is ready for that sort of commitment, Dad. So, no. Sorry to disappoint you.’
‘I’m not disappointed, just a bit confused.
You seem perfect for each other. Whenever I’ve seen you together you’ve been smiling.
There’s a lot to be said for that. But what do I know about your relationship, eh?
The only people that really know are the ones in it.
Anyway, I’m sure you’ll make the right decision when it’s time. ’
‘Yeah,’ I say, lamely.
We’re interrupted then as one of the crew members from the yacht strides over to us to tell me my luggage is aboard and they’re ready to set sail and take me back to the airport on Maarfaru.
So it’s definitely time to leave.
If I don’t go now I’ll have to stay on the island for another night and day and I really should try and save this bloody deal. I’ve worked too hard to let it fall through the cracks.
Also, I suspect Ida wouldn’t be too pleased to see me back at the villa after the tense confrontation we just had.
After saying goodbye to my dad, I walk towards the jetty, wondering once again whether I’m making the right decision to leave.
I’ve been so sure that I don’t have the capacity for a relationship, but is Ida right? Have I got the balance of my life wrong?
Talking to my dad and brother just now has lifted a weight off me that I didn’t realise was there. And that was down to her urging.
She saw something that needed to change and told me in no uncertain terms what to do about it.
And I baulked at being told what to do. Mainly, I think, because deep down I knew she was right.
I just didn’t want to hear it and be forced to act.
I guess I’m too bloody proud for my own good.
Judging by the expression on her face right before she turned away from me, I suspect she’ll be telling herself right now that she’s dodged a bullet, not getting more involved with me.
So there we have it.
We played, we had fun and, like Ida said, the game is over now.