Chapter 14 #2
‘Seriously, Raffa. Don’t let her get away. I promise you, you’ll regret it later if you do. And as we both know, no one ever knows what’s around the corner. My philosophy now is to make the most of the good times and never take anything for granted. I’m living firmly in the now.’
I laugh at that. ‘Huh. You’ve really grown up since we last talked.’
‘Partly Margot’s influence and partly because it’s a bloody age since we’ve had an actual conversation, just the two of us,’ he points out.
‘I guess it is.’
‘I’d love to see you more, man. No pressure, but you’re always welcome at my and Margot’s place if you need a break from the big city.’
‘Thanks, man. I’ll keep it in mind.’
‘Do that.’
I turn to walk away, but stop when I hear him call out my name.
‘Will you say bye to your dad?’
I turn round to face my brother again and shrug. ‘I wasn’t planning on it.’
He shakes his head. ‘You know, the two of you are just as stubborn as the other, so one of you is going to have to break the stalemate and speak first and I think it has to be you. Don’t take your anger to your grave, Raffa.
Or to his. I mean, I hate thinking like this, but he’s getting older.
You might regret not saying what needs to be said in the end and wish you’d not lost all that time with him. ’
I nod slowly, then signal my goodbye with a quick wave, before leaving my brother on the beach to go looking for his wife.
On the way back to the hotel, I allow myself some time to reflect on what Darian just said.
Maybe he’s right. Perhaps I should talk to my dad. Clear the air.
Maybe it’s time for me to grow a bit too.
As if I’ve conjured him with my thoughts, my dad appears from inside the hotel as I approach it and walks towards me across the beach.
I lift a hand to acknowledge him and he smiles and picks up his pace, meeting me in the middle of the sand.
‘Hey, son. I saw you out of the window of the bar. Thought I’d come and say hello since we’ve not spoken much since we got here. I’ve not wanted to intrude when you were with your lovely girlfriend.’
I nod at this, not wanting to get into another conversation about how amazing Ida is and having to justify why I’m leaving her alone here.
Honestly, I’m struggling to justify it to myself right now.
But I’m not one to change my mind once I’ve made a decision. It’s what’s helped me be so successful in business, so why mess with a winning formula now?
‘I’m just about to head off, Dad. I have to get back to the office. Some urgent business to deal with.’
My father’s face visibly drops at this. ‘Oh. Okay, son.’ He frowns, then takes an audible breath. ‘Will you come for a quick walk along the beach with me before you go?’
‘Err…’ I glance at my watch. I’m cutting it a bit fine now, timewise, but it’s clear from my dad’s demeanour that he’s got something he needs to say to me.
I guess I should hear it, since it seems to be the day for confrontations and confessions.
‘Okay,’ I say, gesturing for him to start walking and matching his pace as he heads towards the shoreline.
‘Look, son,’ my dad says the moment I fall into step with him. ‘I just need to get something off my chest, then I’ll leave you be, okay?’
I nod, feeling the tension rise in me again. ‘Sure. Go for it.’
‘I know how close you were to your mum,’ he says, diving straight in, as if recognising he only has a short window to get this said, ‘how much you adored her, and what a life-changing event it was for you when she died, so I can understand why you didn’t want Carrie around so soon after it.
I get now that it would have felt to you like she was trying to take your mother’s place. ’
‘It was suspiciously soon after she died, Dad.’
He looks genuinely horrified by my unsubtle accusation. ‘I swear, there was nothing going on with us before your mum’s death. It all happened afterwards. Very quickly afterwards, I grant you.’
I let out a sigh, realising there’s no way I’m going to avoid facing this head-on now, so I may as well be totally upfront with him, as uncomfortable as it makes me feel.
‘Honestly, I was angry and upset when you married Carrie so soon after Mum died and I guess in a childish way I blamed the both of you for making it feel like you wanted to wipe out any trace of her. In my head you were immediately replacing her, like she’d never existed.
I know that’s probably not the case and it wasn’t okay for me to behave the way I did around that time, but I was so confused and scared and angry and didn’t know how else to express my grief. ’
‘No, you’re right,’ my dad says, his voice shaky with emotion.
‘It was thoughtless of me to marry Carrie so quickly. But I fell apart after your mum died and really struggled with my mental health and Carrie saved me. I was in a very dark place and she was a lifeline. To be frank, I wasn’t thinking straight about anything right then.
I guess I thought it would be good for you to have some stability at that point too.
Another female around to look after you – because I certainly couldn’t – and a brother too.
I thought you’d like that. But I understand now how it must have felt like I was suggesting you weren’t enough on your own to keep our depleted family unit together. ’
‘Well, thanks for acknowledging that,’ I say, my own voice a little shaky now.
My dad holds up his hand in a show of entreaty.
‘I fell in love with Carrie and when you were so churlish around her I didn’t know how to handle it.
I thought it was just teenage rebellion and I mishandled it.
I never should have said that thing about how your mum would have been ashamed of you.
It was a stupid and mean thing to say. I was lashing out and taking out my pain and desperation on you.
It wasn’t fair. I’m not surprised you acted out so much after that.
At the time it made me angry. I thought you were being selfish and attention-seeking, but I get it now, with hindsight. ’
I try to swallow down the hard lump that’s formed in my throat. ‘Yeah, well, I’m sorry I was so cruel to Carrie. It must have been hard for her too, especially after having such a tough time with Darian’s dad. It was a shit situation all round.’
‘She knows she’s behaved badly at points too,’ my dad says now. ‘And she feels awful about it. But she thinks it’s a lost cause, trying to make things up with you. That you’ll never accept her and hate her till the day she dies.’
‘I don’t hate her, Dad. I hated the situation,’ I say with a sigh.