Chapter 14
RAFFA
There’s a tight, crushing feeling in my chest as I watch Ida walk away and into her bedroom where she firmly shuts the door on me.
So that’s it then.
She’s just made it really clear she’s not interested in having any kind of ongoing relationship with me if I’m not prepared to change the way I do things.
I’m simultaneously devastated and furious with her.
I don’t get it. Why was she suddenly so cold with me? She knows how much this deal means to me, but she’s more concerned about me saying goodbye to the family she came here to shield me from.
I mean, I know I use my job as an excuse not to see them most of the time but I never lied to her about that, so why is it suddenly such a big deal to her?
That shouldn’t be a reason for her to not want to see me again.
Should it?
I guess I can understand how it might be frustrating for her when she doesn’t have her own family looking out for her.
I suppose it must hurt to see me pushing mine away when she’s wanted that herself but never had it.
Especially as she seems to have got on so well with them.
She’s fitted in so well here. Seemed happy.
Shit.
Yeah.
This is not good.
Things have got way more emotionally intense than I’d wanted them to and I’m overwhelmingly aware of my instinct to retreat to the comfort and security of work.
It’s always been my safe space and the thing that’s grounded me when I’m feeling spun.
Numbers and stats don’t demand anything of you. They’re steady and soothing that way, functional. Black and white. There’s no room for emotions or subtext.
I dig that.
But as I go into my room to pack, I’m aware that my body is still buzzing from kissing her.
I can’t believe it just ended like that.
And that I’m not going to see her again.
How can we go from such intimacy back to nothing?
It’s not right.
But I really don’t have time to deal with it right now. I have to leave.
I shove my things into my suitcase with a little more force than necessary. How am I supposed to go about my day with that parting shot of hers rattling around my head?
Letting out a loud sigh, I try to dispel the heavy pull of guilt I’m feeling now.
Maybe she’s right. I probably should go and say goodbye to Darian, at least. It would seem rude to just leave without letting him know why.
So, once I’m all packed, and find to my disappointment that Ida has already left the villa without another word to me, I stroll over to the hotel to find him.
After asking a few people in the bar, I discover he’s on the beach and head off in the direction they’ve pointed.
I find my stepbrother lying on the sand, soaking in some rays, looking relaxed and happy.
He sits up when he sees me approaching and flashes me the warmest smile he’s ever bestowed on me. Given that we’re usually scowling at each other from across the room, this is disconcerting.
‘Hey,’ I say when I’m close enough. ‘I’m just letting you know I have to head off early. There’s some work shit going down I need to deal with. Ida’s going to stay on till the end though, so I’d appreciate it if you could look out for her.’
‘Sure, man. No problem. It’s a pity you have to cut things short here, but I totally get it. Margot will be bummed she didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. She’s gone for a massage. We’ve both had a blast here. It’s been the perfect place to have a wedding.’
‘Glad to hear it.’
Darian stands up, shoving his hands into the pockets of his swim shorts. ‘Actually, I’m glad I’ve caught you on your own. I wanted to say thanks again, for all this. It really means a lot that you arranged it for us.’
‘Yeah, well, you’re welcome.’
His expression changes and he suddenly looks a little awkward.
‘Look. I know we’ve not always got on,’ he says, ‘And I know I annoy the crap out of you sometimes when it must seem like I’m constantly going on at you to see our folks, but we just want you around, dude.
Especially your dad. He really misses you.
He’d never say it out loud, but he’s gutted whenever you don’t make it to the family get-togethers.
He was really hoping you’d come to his last birthday and when you didn’t make it, I could see how much it was eating him up. ’
I nod and shift from foot to foot in the sand, uncomfortable with this change in conversational direction.
He holds up his hands. ‘Sorry if I got a bit heavy about it. It’s just, I’m the one who sees the emotional fallout when you don’t turn up and I find myself having to work extra hard to be enough on my own. You know? Sorry, that probably sounds really selfish and lame.’
‘Nah, I get it,’ I say, giving him a tight smile, my body tense with discomfort.
‘I think he feels like he fucked up his relationship with you after your mum died by marrying mine so quickly and he doesn’t know how to fix it,’ Darian says.
‘And I get that I was a part of that too. I was so happy to finally have a brother and it ate me up that you didn’t seem to like me.
I know I was a real brat around you. But I worshipped you, dude.
I just didn’t know how to deal with the rejection.
I’d already had a lot of that from my old man.
He was a total dick to my mum and me and I was glad to see the back of him.
It didn’t mean I didn’t miss having a dad though.
So I was really grateful when your dad came into our lives.
I could see how happy he made my mum, after she’d been miserable for so long.
But I guess it didn’t translate like that to you. ’
I swallow hard, a wave of something like shame rushing through me.
‘No. I guess it didn’t. I saw you both as a threat, to be honest. And I couldn’t understand how my dad could move on so quickly after my mum died.
’ I rub my hand over my hair in agitation.
‘Honestly, I suspect your mum and my dad were already having an affair before my mum died. When she was ill maybe. And I’ve really struggled to forgive them for that. ’
Darian looks shocked. ‘No, man. They weren’t seeing each other before your mum passed, I promise you.’
I fold my arms. ‘How can you be so sure?’
‘Because my dad was a cheat and my mum hated being the victim of that. It humiliated her. She’d never do that to someone else, especially not a woman who was ill.
Look, I know she can be a bit standoffish and she probably seems cold to you, but it’s a defence mechanism she’s developed after being fucked about so badly by my dad.
She’s a warm, kind person really, it’s just that you two got off on the wrong foot and she’s always felt you’ve disliked her and she’s not dealt well with it.
It’s turned into a vicious circle that neither of you know how to break. ’
He holds up his hand. ‘I’m not trying to excuse the way she’s acted in the past when she’s been kind of authoritarian with you, but it was the only way she knew how to cope at the time.
At least that’s the impression she’s given me from the few things she’s said about it.
She’d love to get to know you better though.
Now we’re all older and wiser. As would I. ’
He waves his hand towards the hotel. ‘We’re all really made up that you came to the wedding.
None of us thought you’d make it. We expected you to say you were too busy.
And I know you genuinely are most of the time.
But know this: you are wanted in this family and it would be great if you could find some time to see your dad a bit more.
I know he’d love that. Even if he’s too proud to ask you for it himself.
He thinks he’s let you down and pushed you away.
So maybe give him a chance to make it up to you. ’
He shrugs stiffly. ‘If you want, of course. I’ll leave it up to you.
Anyway, I’d better go and find Margot. She wants to go snorkelling after her massage and I promised I wouldn’t be late for the instructor we’ve booked.
Married life, huh. I know I’m going to be spending the rest of my life making sure I’m on time for things.
But hey, it’s worth it. She’s worth it,’ he says with a genuine smile.
‘Good for you, dude. She’s an amazing woman. I’m happy for you. Genuinely.’
‘Would now be an appropriate time for a brotherly hug?’ Darian asks, looking sheepish, but determined.
‘Sure. Why not. Bring it in.’
We move in for a hug and slap each other’s backs to get past the awkwardness.
‘Thanks, man. Seriously. We both really appreciate what you did for us here. We won’t forget it. Oh, and we really love Ida too. She seems perfect for you. I’ve never seen you laugh so much. You seem really happy together.’
I give him a tight smile, my stomach sinking. ‘Yeah. She’s a fun person to be around.’
‘Take my advice,’ Darian says, serious now. ‘Don’t let her go. I know you can have your pick of partners now you’re uber wealthy, but women like Ida are hard to come by. And she seems to genuinely like you.’
I let out a startled snort. ‘Thanks. I think.’
Darian grins at that. ‘I mean, with the kind of money you have it must be hard to know if someone’s with you because of the status you can give them.
But Ida already has her own very cool status, cooler than yours, anyway.
’ He winks at me and grins. ‘But seriously, it’s clear she likes you for you and not your money.
Margot thinks so too and she’s an excellent judge of character. She can spot a fake a mile off.’
‘Yeah, she’s pretty special. Margot, I mean. You’re a lucky guy to be married to her.’
‘I know it.’
‘And yeah, Ida’s cool. But I don’t know if it’s serious between us.’
‘Really?’ Darian looks shocked at this. ‘You guys have so much chemistry. You’d be crazy not to stay together.’
I shrug. ‘Maybe. I don’t have a lot of time for a relationship right now. I have to keep my head in my business.’
Darian folds his arms. ‘Ida doesn’t strike me as someone who’d be too demanding. She’s got her own very successful thing going on.’
‘True.’