Chapter 19
nineteen
. . .
The last person Javier expected to see at the wretched birthday party was Desmond. As soon as their eyes met, his heart ricocheted all around his chest and gut, and his hands went numb.
Which was inconvenient, considering he was demonstrating his marginal juggling skills to a trio of snotty kids at the time.
Desmond looked rough. He had dark circles under his eyes and a pale, drawn look to his face that hinted he’d been struggling since the last time they’d seen each other.
That hurt. A lot. It made Javier feel like he shouldn’t have given his man space after all.
He’d assumed Desmond needed time on his own to sort things, but now he was certain that had been a terrible idea.
Especially when Desmond turned tail and ran.
“Desmond,” he called and chased after him, leaving the two remaining juggling balls for the other rotten kids to swipe.
Following Desmond through the throng of people scattered across the lawn of the extensive estate was easier said than done.
The caterers had just set out a new wave of snacks, so the flow of traffic was all toward the buffet tent set up closer to the house, in the opposite direction Javier wanted to go.
It didn’t help that he was dressed like an idiot wearing a startled, pink mop on his head either.
“And what are you supposed to be?” one of the mums of at least three of the troublemaking kids at the party stepped into his path to ask him. “Are you a Seuss character? Is that what this is supposed to be?”
“No, I’m afraid not,” Javier said, attempting to dodge her.
“Let me guess. You’re an alien?”
Javier didn’t have time to humiliate himself for the woman’s entertainment. Even though that was part of the job description, it wasn’t like he had to worry about damaging the reputation of his agency by pushing past the nosy woman in an attempt to catch up to Desmond.
“You’re a flower, that’s it!” the woman called after him. “I knew I’d figure it out eventually.”
She was right. All of the entertainers were supposed to be part of the garden come to life. And although it wasn’t the right time, there was something hilarious about Desmond being chased across the lawn of a country estate by a giant flower.
“Honey, stop,” Javier called out to him once he was just a few steps behind. He reached out and grabbed Desmond’s arm just as he reached the edge of the jungle of inflatable slides and bouncy houses that was definitely overkill for the party. “Please, stop.”
Desmond’s flight ran out of steam all at once. He stopped so quickly Javier nearly ran into him. He skidded slightly on the slick grass as he came to a stop facing Des.
“I’m sorry,” Desmond said, looking everywhere but at Javier for a moment, then finally meeting his eyes.
The pain and shame in Desmond’s eyes nearly broke Javier’s heart. Inexplicably, it also infuriated him.
“You can’t keep running away from me like this,” he said, gripping Desmond’s arm tightly and lowering his voice. “I’m not the enemy.”
“No, I know you aren’t, but I can tell you’re angry with me.”
Javier’s brow shot up, which was uncomfortable, considering the amount of glitter caking his eyebrows.
Once again, he was dressed like an idiot and covered in glitter in front of Desmond at a crucial moment in the man’s life.
“I’m not angry with you,” he said, heart bleeding for the man he couldn’t seem to help, no matter what he did. “Frustrated, yes.”
“I’m sorry,” Desmond said again, sounding truly defeated. “You deserve better than this. You deserve better than me.”
Desmond pulled out of his grip and tried to escape again, but he only got a few steps before a pack of wild children blocked his way. The only route available to him was to go through a lurid puce bouncy castle, and against all sense and reason, that’s exactly what he did.
“Desmond, what the hell?” Javier almost laughed, then threw caution to the wind and climbed into the bouncy castle after him.
Desmond evidently wasn’t ready for the obstacle that was a bouncy castle.
He still had his shoes on, which didn’t help and was probably bad for the castle.
He tried to cross through to the exit on the other side like he was walking normally, but normal wasn’t going to happen when the floor dipped and bounced under him.
After three clumsy steps, he fell, sprawling on his stomach.
“Babydoll, you need to stop,” Javier said, going straight to his knees and crawling across the undulating floor to reach him. “Stop running and talk to me.”
“I’m so embarrassed,” Desmond admitted, still face down on the castle floor, bobbing subtly up and down as Javier made his way to the center of the castle with him.
“Yeah, I get that,” Javier said. “Two grown men in a bouncy castle, one of them in designer jeans and the other dressed like a giant, psychedelic flower is pretty fucking embarrassing.”
Desmond glanced over his shoulder, then rolled to his back, attempting, and failing, to lift himself to a sitting position. “You can’t say that. This is a children’s party.”
“Have you heard these kids?” Javier asked, flopping back on his arse and bouncing with the movement of the castle. “They start swearing like sailors at six years old these days.”
Desmond made a sound that might have been a laugh or a huff of derision. He struggled against the buoyancy of the castle in an attempt to right himself but only got as far as sitting crisscross and trying to grip the air-filled plastic as he wobbled.
“Not to add insult to bouncy castle injury, but you look like you’re about to be sick,” Javier said.
“That’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility,” Desmond said, not looking Javier in the eyes.
Javier waited and watched to see if the man would say anything else, but he looked completely tongue-tied and sinking deeper into himself. He had to do something.
“I’m not angry with you,” he said. Unfortunately, he sounded angry as he said it.
He took a breath, scooted a little closer across the air-filled floor, and said, “Yes, it hurt to be left behind at the hotel.” Desmond flickered a glance up at him.
“But I get why you did that. I get why you felt like you needed to handle things on your own.”
“I haven’t done a very good job of handling anything at all,” he said, gloom hanging over him like a shadow. “I thought I was doing the right thing by rejecting the award and leaving my job.”
Javier waited for more of an explanation, but none came.
“I went to your office on Wednesday to see if you wanted to have lunch and talk about things,” he said.
Desmond’s gaze had begun to lower, but he jerked his head up and gaped at Javier. “You did?”
“Yep,” Javier said, moving closer still. “Some guy called Marcus told me you’d quit.”
“I did.” Desmond sighed. “It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but now I wonder if it wasn’t just silly and dramatic.”
The corner of Javier’s mouth twitched. “We’re sitting in a kid’s bouncy castle, and I’m dressed like a demented milkweed.”
Desmond’s shoulders softened by a hair and the faintest hint of a smile touched his face. “More like a pink, glitter-infested dandelion, if there was such a thing.”
Javier’s smile grew. “You would know, mister horticulturist.”
“I’m just a hobbyist,” Desmond murmured. For a second, they were quiet. Then Desmond went on with, “I got the anthurium, by the way. Thank you. I…I named it Bob.”
“Really?” Javier asked, his lips twitching. “I would have thought a better name would be Dick.”
Desmond couldn’t stop himself from smiling. The sight gave Javier hope.
He reached out and rested a hand on Desmond’s thigh. “I wanted to do something, but I didn’t know what to do.” Another stilted silence passed before he added, “I just want to help, baby, but I don’t know how. Can you talk to me?”
“I don’t know what to say.” Desmond shrugged. “I’m a complete and utter failure on every level imaginable, and I don’t know why you want to give me the time of day, let alone join me in this glamorous setting.” He looked up at the castle ceiling and gestured around at the netting.
Javier smiled, more in love with the ridiculous, damaged man than ever, not less. “Well, if you’re a failure, then I’m one, too.”
Desmond met his eyes. “I tried to call you earlier and I got your voicemail. I’m sorry about the agency.”
A rushing wave of gloom threatened to drag Javier under. “It wasn’t going to work,” he said. “Everything I tried, everything I wanted to do failed, despite my best efforts.”
“Matthew had something to do with it,” Desmond said with a guilty pinch to his face.
Javier shrugged. “Maybe. But I don’t think a few nasty rumors were really enough to make the whole thing fall apart. I tried to do something difficult and it didn’t work out. That’s all.”
“It was your dream,” Desmond said, reaching for him and resting a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry that you weren’t able to make it a reality. I would have helped if I knew how.”
He was just trying to be kind, but his offer triggered his pride a little too much. “I don’t want your money,” he said.
Desmond pulled his hand back like Javier had burned him. “I wasn’t offering money, I was offering…support. Not that I know what that looks like.”
Javier was half a second from forgetting how much he actually loved Desmond and wanted the best for him. He wasn’t in the mood for self-pity or hand-wringing. But it was Desmond talking to him, the sweetest and most emotionally vulnerable man he knew.
“I know,” he opted to say instead. “Sometimes things just fail and there’s nothing we can do about it.”
“My whole life is a failure,” Desmond said.
“Is it really?” Javier asked, dipping his head a bit to catch Desmond’s eyes, since he’d looked down again. “Or are you just saying that because you jumped off a cliff without knowing what was under it?”