Chapter 20
TWENTY
Tasha appeared in the garden clutching a posy of feathers tied together with lemon ribbon.
‘Some people say that finding a feather means an angel has passed by,’ she said to Jules.
‘Or a chicken,’ Jules replied. ‘That looks like one of Scattihen’s feathers.’
‘It is. But this one isn’t.’
She touched a small downy white feather curling around the bow.
‘This one just floated down as I was walking up the lane. It landed on my hand. It felt like a sign.’
Jules sighed.
‘You’d get on well with my mother.’
‘I saw her and Jo this morning when I was in the farmyard collecting the eggs. They said they were making a shrine near the willow tree. I thought I’d put these there.’
‘That’s a lovely thought, Tasha. You do that and I’ll get us a cold drink.’
‘Can Erin come around and bring something?’ Tasha asked as she sipped her iced tea.
‘Of course she can. Carrie said a few people from the village would like to bring something as a tribute.’
‘She wasn’t just dumped, was she, the baby?’
‘No. She was put there quite carefully, I think.’
‘And now she has been discovered, she’ll be loved all over again. People want to show that, even though she is no longer here, she is cared for. That’s good, isn’t it?’
‘Very good.’
‘Sometimes life seems so cruel and horrible and if you read the news, you think that everyone is at each other’s throats. It upsets me, overwhelms me. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me or my family or friends or the world. I lie awake worrying about it.’
‘Me too. We each have to do what we can in our own small way. We have to look after each other. There’s kindness to be found, Tasha. I’ve found it here.’
‘Your mum seems kind.’
‘Yes, she is. Annoying, but kind.’
‘Erin can be annoying.’
‘All friends can be annoying, but when you love someone, you make allowances and hope they make allowances for you.’
‘Erin thinks you’ve upset Lance.’
‘Why does she think that?’
‘Because he came to see you and when he got back, he was very quiet and then he snapped at her. Lance never snaps.’
Jules pushed a piece of lemon away from the side of her glass.
‘You could do worse than Lance, you know. He’s very honourable and kind and…’
‘Tasha, stop!’ Jules said. ‘That’s just what my mother said.
I know you both mean well, but please stop.
It’s complicated. I’ll hurt him. I’ll hurt Erin and Fitz even though I have never met him.
I have hurt so many people in the past. I can’t get anyone’s hopes up.
I can’t commit because it will probably all go wrong because of me.
And now, thanks to Gavin, I know what it’s like to be really hurt. ’
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
‘Carrie says that it’s your pride that’s hurting with Gavin.’
She opened them again and looked straight into Tasha’s concerned face.
‘Does she indeed? Nice to know my personal life is the talk of the village.’
‘It isn’t. Granny used to say when I fell off my pony that the best thing to do was to get straight back on again. She also says that there are only so many times that things can go wrong before they start to go right. Perhaps Lance is your chance for things to start going right.’
‘What are you going to be when you leave school, a relationship counsellor or a producer of romantic films?’
‘I might be a psychologist,’ Tasha replied. ‘I’ve read that people with difficult parents often make very good psychologists.’
‘I’m surprised there aren’t more of them around then.’
‘Did Lance ask you out on a date?’
‘No, he didn’t!’
Tasha tilted her head to one side.
‘Are you sure?’
‘I think at my age I’d know.’
‘In my experience a lot of adults know very little.’
‘Already such a cynic! You didn’t inherit that from Granny. If you must know, he asked me to go to the opening of a gallery tomorrow night.’
‘That’s a big deal.’
‘Really? He didn’t make it sound like it.’
‘Well, he wouldn’t. He’s Lance the Modest. The woman who’s set up the gallery is an interiors influencer and she’s going to stock some of his bigger, more expensive pieces.
She’s got squillions of followers on Instagram and London contacts.
Erin’s really excited about it, but Lance is worried that it’ll all come to nothing. He hates Erin to be disappointed.’
‘So, not a date then, in your opinion?’
Tasha shook her head. ‘More like a cry for help and you rebuffed him.’
‘Don’t say that!’
‘He probably just wants someone to give him some moral support, that’s all. Anyway,’ she said, with a sly glance, ‘would it be too terrible if it was a date?’
‘Yes, it would.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I’m not ready.’
‘Granny says we’re very rarely ready for things. She says the trick is not to plan too far ahead or look too far behind. Try to live in the present. She also says don’t give up on the important things.’
‘Easier said than done.’
Tasha frowned.
‘I’ve said that to her, but she just gives me that look as if I need to look inside myself and find some fortitude.’
‘And do you?’
‘I try. I don’t want to disappoint her. I can live with my own disappointment in myself but not letting her down. Granny says you’re not a giver upper. She says you’re going to be okay.’
Somehow hearing that Rita thought that gave her a real boost.
‘If you’d known it wasn’t a date, would you have said yes?’
‘Possibly.’
‘I bet your mum would make you go. Where is she, by the way?’
‘She’s upstairs having a rest. The responsibility of shrine making is exhausting apparently.’
Tasha stood up and walked towards the sitting room.
‘Tasha, don’t you dare go and get her,’ Jules said, half laughing.
‘Erin worries that Lance has spent too much time going to things on his own.’
‘I presume she’ll be there tomorrow?’
‘Mmm, but it’s not the same, is it? I’m hoping to persuade Mum to let me go, too. I might wrangle it. I thought I was grounded because of Granny, but I have a secret suspicion that Mum now thinks I might have done her a favour, and she’ll be able to oust a crippled Granny out of the big house.’
‘Tasha, that’s an awful thing to say about your mother.’
‘True, but I’m under no illusions. No point burying your head in the sand, as Granny says. Something to do with ostrich, I think. Comes from Pliny. Have you read any Pliny?’
‘No.’
‘Me neither. He’s on my list.’
‘You are an extraordinary girl.’
‘Geeky, you mean.’
‘No! I mean extraordinary, amazing, beautiful, funny, wonderful, so full of potential.’
Tasha blushed and swished her hair across her face.
‘I’m none of those things.’
‘You are all of them and so much more. I hope one day you realise it.’
‘If I’m allowed to go tomorrow, will you come as well? I know you’re not going to be here for much longer and I’m going to miss you.’
‘I’ll miss you, too.’
‘So, you’ll think about it?’
‘Yes, I’ll think about it.’
‘What is there to think about?’ Carrie asked as they walked along the beach. ‘Just come and enjoy yourself. Guy and I are going. I would have asked you, but wasn’t sure if the numbers were restricted.’
‘I’m worried it will be sending out the wrong message.’
‘And what message is that?’
Jules looked out to sea. A boat was passing by. She wondered where it was going, where Gavin was now. If he was trying to manoeuvre his way into another gullible woman’s heart and con her out of her savings. As soon as she got back to Manchester, she was going to try to put a stop to that.
‘That I’m available.’
‘Well, you are, aren’t you?’ Carrie said, skimming a stone across the water. ‘If you want to be.’
‘I’m not sure I want to risk getting close to anyone again, especially so soon.’
Carrie sighed.
‘Not every good-looking man is a potential partner.’
‘Is that what I’ve been doing? Weighing all men up as to their suitability?’
‘I don’t know. Is it?’
Jules sifted absentmindedly through the stones beneath her fingers looking for a fossil of some sort.
There were meant to be thousands, tens of thousands, of them on this beach, but to be honest she didn’t really know what she was looking for.
She could pick up a piece of fossilized bone or wood and not have a clue that it was anything special.
Subconsciously, was she assessing each single man as to his suitability as a husband, a father even if her biological clock suddenly started ticking, someone she could spend the rest of her life with?
Goodness, that sounded desperate, like someone who was looking for another person to complete them, which was a heavy burden for anyone to bear.
‘What I’ve learnt,’ Carrie said, ‘since you packed me off here, is that you have to accept that you are good enough as you are. And if you don’t feel that you are, then you have to do something about it, but gently, slowly.’
‘You don’t think that other people can make you a better version of yourself?’
‘I think they can inspire you to want to be a better version of yourself, but only you can do it. I also think there’s a lot of pressure to improve ourselves all the time and it’s important to accept that most of us are dealing with life the best we can at any given moment.’
‘I feel so weak, not physically, but emotionally. With the mums in my care, I spend so much time building up their confidence, especially if they are on their own, but really, I’m a fraud.’
‘You’re not a fraud. You are resilient and kind and wonderful, but you do tend to overthink things.
So far as I know Lance has never seriously dated anyone since Sarah died.
He’s just devoted himself to Erin and Fitz and the business.
There’s no reason to think that’s going to change.
Why don’t you just come along tomorrow and have a nice evening and if it gives Lance a bit of extra moral support then that’s all good, isn’t it?
One of the things you’re really good at is moral support. You’ve just said so yourself.’
Jules nodded. Maybe she’d think about going to the gallery opening after all.