Chapter Eighteen
Zahra
One more, just one more act, and I could carry on with my day and self-reflect on my actions. No matter how many times I’d done it, there was still that hollow feeling that came after taking a life—the feeling of emptiness and wrongness.
They were terrible men; they deserved it because they hurt a lot of people. But who was I to pass judgment? There was no way to regain the little pieces of myself and the conscience that I lost after I ended a life.
The only thing keeping my head in check was the awareness of right, wrong, necessity, and the limit to how far I took my revenge.
Manuel would say there was a lever in every human, one you should always pull when you feel like you’re drowning in the emotion that comes with getting justice for the wrongs committed against you.
If you didn’t pull the lever, you’d sooner forget where it was in your mind, and you’d be no different from the people you wanted dead.
I tried not to forget that. Each time I took a life, I’d take a moment to myself and pull back from that dark place.
The two soldiers that had been ordered to bring me to the poolside maintained their distance after I’d urged them to touch me and see what happened. I already knew it was a matter of time before the boss himself asked for me.
I hardened the frown on my face as we reached the poolside, ignoring the dull ache at the side of my head as my gaze shifted to Elio, who stood at the foot of the pool, both hands tucked into his pants, his suit and tie nowhere in sight. And, as always, he looked like someone dressed for a funeral.
I sighed, walking towards him, wishing I had changed into something else. This dress had overstayed its welcome.
He didn’t look away from the pool as I stood beside him. “Thinking of taking a dip?” I asked. “Because I could totally sleep off tonight’s chaos and leave you to it.”
He didn’t respond.
The silence toyed with my head, and I shifted from one foot to another, the cold outside sending chills down my spine.
“I can’t remember the last time I swam,” he said, still looking at the large pool, voice raspy. “It’s been … years. I think I was still a teenager then.” He breathed in deeply, and then out. “I feel this little twinge of fear whenever I see this pool. But for some reason, I can’t stay away.”
I looked at the pool and then at him. “I really don’t give a fuck about anything you’ve just said.”
He turned his head in my direction and then looked away. After a few seconds, a frown caused a slight pinch to his brows, and he looked back at me again, eyes scanning me from head to toe. “What in the world are you wearing?”
I looked down at myself with a frown and then met his gaze blankly. “Do you not recognize it because it’s in a different color? It’s a dress, Elio. Like … a cloth? People wear clothes to cover their nakedness? Cause it’s … clothes?”
“I know what—” He stopped, blinking and shaking his head. “Angelo told me you deviated from tonight’s original plan by killing Dion Juan Pablo. He says it is because he almost abused you.”
“Yes.”
“Indeed? You don’t look too shaken up for a person who was almost sexually assaulted.”
I frowned. “Dion was high out of his mind, he tried to hurt me, and I defended myself. I didn’t mean to kill him, but I guess the knife touched the wrong vein because my good luck sometimes is a curse.
” My voice shook, and I felt tears rising like bile in my throat.
I stood straighter, struggling to get ahold of my emotions, and I continued.
“I couldn’t exactly push him off me because he was twice my size.
So, I did the next best thing I could do.
I didn’t think—think that he would … die. ”
Elio’s brows drew down in a frown.
“My whole team is worried about me, and I fucking hate it when people walk around me like I’m an eggshell they don’t want to crack.
” I let out a humorless chuckle, looking away from him.
“As much as they don’t like to admit it, they look up to me.
I’m not about to make them see me as some weakling. ”
Looking back at him, I hardened my features even though I could feel the tears building up in my eyes.
“I am shaken up, but I am also angry because I just killed a person, and the last thing I want to do right after is talk to the man who sent us on the goddamn mission in the first place. I just need to get under the damn covers and wait for the nightmares I can already feel coming; so sorry if I’m not a fucking weeping woman, but don’t expect me to cry amid my enemies,” I said in one breath.
Elio watched me, his eyes assessing and the frown leaving his face before he spoke. “Why do you even try?”
“What?” I feigned confusion.
“That … was a pathetic attempt at lying. It’s the worst you’ve come up with for as long as I’ve known you.”
“You think … you think I’m—”
“Enough. I see right through it.”
I kept the act on for precisely five seconds before I drew on a blank look. “He got what he deserved,” I said at last. “He wasn’t a good person.”
“So, killing him makes you better?”
“Yes.”
“I will ignore your delusion and return your attention to what I wanted from this. It was not to kill him, but to get access to their system—”
“Which we did.”
“You do not cut me off when I’m speaking, Zahra.”
“Oh, so you do know my na—”
“Not only were you reckless,” he said, cutting me off, “but you also put the lives of your companions at risk; you put the life of my only family at risk. And that is something I can’t forgive.”
“Well, head count says Devil is alive, and everyone else is fine.”
“It doesn’t answer the what-if question.”
“There doesn’t have to be a what-if question. Dion was a fucking bastard. I had a score to settle with him. I saw an opportunity to settle that score, and I did. No one was hurt, and no one knew it was us. The world is still turning.”
“?Qué cuenta?” he asked. What score?
“That is for me to know.”
He turned away from me, facing the pool. “You have no remorse or regret for what you’ve done.”
“I don’t see a reason to.”
He nodded, and I hated that I couldn’t read him right now. Somehow, I had been the open book tonight; he wasn’t giving anything away.
I took a step back from him just to be safe.
His throat worked. “My father used to drown me … here, right in this pool.” His eyes were trained on the water like he could see it happening.
He took his hand out of his pocket and pointed to the gazebo. “Right over there is where my mother used to stand, watching him drown me.” He dropped his hand back down.
I swallowed, remembering all Devil had told me weeks ago. “Why?”
“I was stubborn. I lied a lot. Kept things from him. Spoke English to him. Forgot something he told me I shouldn’t forget.
Did something other than what he wanted,” he said, taking his other hand out of his pocket as he began to undo his cufflinks slowly.
“He called it baptism. Whenever I did any of those things, he would call me a sinner and bring me here. And I would beg him, pathetically. I thought maybe this time he’d listen; he’d show mercy and let me off with just a warning. But he never did.”
He slipped the first cufflink into his pocket, proceeding to undo the second one.
“I would shout, but then, he’d dip my head under the water, cutting me off; I would fight, but he wouldn’t let me go; I’d run out of air, and he would keep his hold firm.
He did it until I would drown, and then he’d pump my chest until I woke up.
” He slid the second cufflink inside his second pocket and began rolling up his sleeves.
“When he wasn’t satisfied with the lesson, he’d do it again.
The feeling of fear … of dying, the number of times he made me feel it, had me defying him at every turn …
just so he would bring me here and do it again.
Just so I could revel in the dazed look my mother would give us.
Just so I could imagine what it would feel like to just—watch. ”
He turned to me. “But more than anything, I wanted to know how it felt to be the one doing the drowning. I wanted to be the one pushing my head under the water. I didn’t know why at that time, but now I do.”
“Because you’re a sick fucker who needs serious medical attention?”
“Part of the reason.”
I took another step back, and he took one forward.
“The real reason was the relief of knowing that I would lose consciousness. I found that the better version of myself is when I can’t be myself.
When I get to escape, even for a few minutes.
” He sighed. “And my mother … after it all, she’d hold me, and take care of me, but I could always tell she waited eagerly for the next time we’d take another visit to the pool.
She loved to watch it. Me drowning … but soon I found myself waiting eagerly as well. ”
“That’s fucked up.”
“She was sick. It’s hard to blame her.”
“Oh, so it’s genetic,” I said, stepping back.
“Hm.”
“Why are you telling me all this?”
“Because you’re a sinner, like me.” He took one step towards me, and I took two back. “In clearer words, Zahra, because you’re about to die.”
I stood still, and it felt like everything paused around us for a moment.
We watched each other, and he waited for me to make the first move. It was bait. But it meant two things: I either fall for the bait and survive to see another day or put up a fight and die by his hands.
I chose the first option, turned, and bolted down the curved corner of the pool. I should have known there was a problem when the guards didn’t make a move to even stop me.
Running from him was stupid, a guaranteed failure, but I still attempted it.
I reached the only exit door and tried to open it, but it didn’t budge.
“Fuck.”
I looked behind me to see him walking towards me like he had all the time in the world, calm and collected. “No cameras, no rules, no helper … it’s just you and me now, Sport.”
I looked around me. This was an open area, which was well fenced with bushes around. There was a building there, but the only way to enter it was through the exit doors and the window.
I rushed to the window and tried to pull it up.
“Locked.” Elio’s taunting voice reached my ears again.
It was made of glass; if I could punch a hole through and reach the lock—
“You can’t break it.” His voice rang out as if he were in my head.
I swallowed, feeling sweat bead on my forehead.
The fence.
“It’s useless. I’m taller than you are, and even I won’t be able to make the jump. Trust me, I tried.” His voice was closer.
I turned sharply, and he was closing in on me as I had guessed. I moved to run again but didn’t get far. He caught me just at the pool’s edge; I tried to squirm out of his hold. I failed pitifully at trying to elbow him in his stomach.
I dropped my head to sink my teeth into the skin on his forearm and reveled in the bliss that came from his groan of pain. I dipped my teeth further until I tasted blood. He forcefully pulled his arm from my mouth, and his grip loosened.
When I thought I had the running opportunity, his leg swept mine from underneath me, and I was falling towards the pool. On reflex, I grabbed his shirt collar as I went down, and we both hit the water with a massive splash.
For about five seconds, I was underwater, but I pumped my arms and legs furiously until my head broke the surface again. I coughed, my chest heaving.
Elio surfaced right after me, his hair wet and pressed against his forehead as he angrily brushed it away, his gaze furious and dead set on me.
“You don’t want to do this,” I said with trembling lips.
He swam towards me, and my attempt to swim backward was a total failure.
I tried to fight him off again, trying to move my legs to hit him, but I was too slow, and somehow, he was faster, like he had mastered the act of moving stealthily underwater.
I moved to hit him with my hand in the open air, but he caught it, his other hand wrapping around my neck.
“You … you don’t want to do this,” I stuttered in a shiver.
“Why not?” he seethed, not even shivering as violently as I was, but I could see the goosebumps on his forearm as his grip tightened around my neck, almost cutting off my airflow.
My last resort was my leverage.
“Devil—he’ll never forgive you.”
He blinked, amusement filling his eyes as he responded, “Surprise … that’s exactly why I’m doing this.”
“You piece of shi—” My words were swallowed the moment the water swallowed my head and my entire body.