Chapter Thirty-One
Zahra
Through my headphones, I could hear the soft knocking on my door, which I’d been ignoring for almost five minutes now. I pressed my eyelids together, a flimsy attempt to block out my thoughts and center my mind.
I wasn’t in a good place. I was too in my head.
A lot of thoughts plagued my mind. I didn’t know which to focus on.
Devil and Upper being involved in some way.
Milk knowing about it, Dog suspecting and not saying anything to me.
The incident on the rooftop with Elio, which hadn’t stopped replaying in my head …
the warmth of his lips that had me pressing mine together every time to remember how it felt subconsciously.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it and him. Which was very fucking inconvenient because I didn’t need this. It wasn’t just that I was attracted to him, I cared. As much as I loved to deny it, I fucking cared. This wasn’t predetermined. It just happened, and I hated it, and him.
I’d have loved to think that it was centered chiefly towards guilt, but it wasn’t; because I panicked—when he asked me to wait behind, my heart jumped because I was hoping he wouldn’t remember—I didn’t want to talk about it.
I should have known he would address it because he didn’t seem like a man who would shy away from something like that.
This man was exactly like the people I had fought tooth and nail to escape from.
He had hurt a teenager, for God’s sake, tried to drown me, shot and tortured me.
He’d threatened to kill me more times than I could count, and yet, yet I couldn’t help but be drawn to him.
I didn’t want to overthink it or give it importance, but the look on his face when I’d written it all off as nothing …
I groaned in annoyance, snapping my eyes back open and staring at the ceiling for a second too long before my gaze settled on the door.
The knocking continued, and I took off my headphones, sighing.
“It’s open,” I called out, sitting up as the door opened an inch. Upper was peeking in like I would jump off the bed and attack him if he so much as breathed the same air as me.
“What do you want?” I asked him, taking off my headphones.
“I just…” He fumbled. “I wanted to—” He stood upright, swallowing. “Can we talk?” he asked, unable to shield the nervousness in his voice.
I hesitated, locked my jaw, but nodded all the same.
He walked in cautiously, closed the door, and settled a few inches away from me on the mattress, his movement gentle as he watched me. “Hey,” he started.
“Hey,” I responded, watching him struggle with what to say next.
His dark brown hair was rough, and circles were underneath his eyes; even his infamous one pair of earrings was missing, and his neck chains were gone too; it was weird seeing him so … bare. He looked so stressed.
“Listen, Zahra, I know … I know my apology would mean shit to you—”
“Actually, I’d take an apology,” I told him honestly.
His eyes went wide, even though they were filled with uncertainty. “You’re serious?”
I nodded. “You both fucked up, and the least either of you could have done was to actually apologize for treating me like the damn fool in all this.”
His lips parted, and he shifted closer to me, eyes pleading.
“I promise you; it was not my intention. I swear on my life and everything I hold dear that I never wanted to hurt you with this revelation. The first time it happened, I—I wanted to tell you, but I was scared that this whole thing would happen, and now that it is happening, I feel like a pound of bloody arseholish-shit, and I, I am so sorry, Zahra.”
I blinked at him, shocked a little by the sincerity in his words, but what surprised me more was how his accent had gone more profound; he sounded almost elegant, even with the—weird curse word.
“What the fuck is a pound of bloody arseholish-shit?”
He breathed out a laugh, and I joined in with a chuckle.
He looked down, but before he did, I caught the glassy haze in his eyes, and when he sniffed, I shifted closer to him.
“Hey,” I called, trying to catch his gaze.
He shook and raised his head, sucking in a shaky breath as he wiped off his tears and forced out a laugh. “Sorry, I know this is not—this is not the Upper version of myself.” He swallowed, refusing to meet my gaze as he mumbled, “Whoever the fuck that is.”
My heart melted there and then, and I couldn’t believe I was slightly mad at him.
“Upper—”
“I promise I’m not some crybaby.”
“I happen to love crybabies,” I said, ruffling his already-ruffled hair. His teary eyes met mine, and he smiled sheepishly at me.
“I’m usually not a mess like this…” he said, looking down again.
“It’s just—this whole thing has dredged up awful memories from before, and the last thing I want is to be the reason why a family like ours gets separated.
I always fuck things up for people I care about, and my biggest fear is … is doing that to Street.”
I wanted to ask what he was talking about because it seemed to really be bothering him. “You’re not fucking up anything.”
He shook his head. “No, I am. Look at us. I know it’s just been a day, but—we’ve never gone this long being hostile with each other, and it’s all because I couldn’t stop myself from feeling.”
“No one should ever stop themselves from feeling what they want to feel, Upper. You’re one of the best people I know; you couldn’t even ruin a family if you tried.”
He went silent for a long moment before he swallowed and said, “I could.”
“What do you mean?”
“I did it … almost ruined a family … a big one. It’s the reason why I’m in this bloody country. Away from everyone that I—” He stopped, the thickness of tears in his voice blocking his next words from coming through.
I rubbed his back. “Hey, I know you. Whatever happened, I’m sure it’s not your fault. I’m positive it’s not.”
He smiled. “I want to believe that. But you should have seen how I was packaged like an abomination. All that happened when they didn’t even know my sexuality; imagine how they’d treat me if they knew.”
“Upper—”
“I can’t stay, Zahra,” he blurted, and my hand movement on his back stopped.
“What are you talking about?”
He worried his bottom lip with his teeth. “I can’t stay here … with Street. I—not after what happened; it’s too fucking close to home, and I know I shouldn’t tuck tail and run, but that’s how I was able to stop my family from breaking apart the first time.”
I dropped my hand, frowning. “Upper—”
“I will go after we get the gold, and I’m not saying this because I need the money or anything like that. We started the mission together, and we’ll end it together. After that, I’m leaving Street.”
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “You don’t have to leave, Upper.”
“I know, but I want to. I need to.”
“Is this because of Devil? Do I need to knock some sense into him?”
He shook his head quickly. “No, no, don’t—don’t tell him anything. In fact, don’t tell anyone anything.”
“That’s—”
“I’ll tell them after we get the gold so it will seem as if I was selfish, and now that we have gold, I want to leave. That narrative suits me.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“I’ll make it suit me.”
“Upper.” I stopped him. “Is this because you like Devil, and he won’t return your feelings? I can talk to him. Maybe he’s just conflicted.”
He shook his head. “Me and Devil, we’re very impossible. I like him, yes. I really do, I more than like him, but it’s not going to happen.”
I frowned. “How long has this been going on between you two.”
He sighed. “The dare happened four months ago, and the other stuff just—happened along the line, we didn’t generally hook up, just like—three times, and that’s it. It was nothing.”
“Did you tell him that you liked him?”
He shook his head again. “There’s no point. I mean nothing to him. And that’s okay. I think he really does love you, Zahra. I confused him. On his behalf, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.” I held his face in my hands. “None of this is your fault. It happened because it was meant to happen. Do you believe in reasons, Upper?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, believe in them. Because there’s a reason this is happening, and whatever it is, I’m sure it didn’t just push you into Devil’s path so that you could force yourself out of it. Maybe Devil loves me in his own weird way, but I am certain that he feels more for you than he does me.”
“I don’t think so.”
“I think so. He wouldn’t be trying this hard to run away from it if it meant nothing. I’ll talk to him—”
“No, please—”
“I’ll talk to him. I won’t tell him you’re planning—planning to leave; a decision I’m hoping you’ll change your mind on because you’re a part of this, you’re the fucking Elegant in Street. Without that one ‘E,’ we’re incomplete.”
He smiled through tear-filled eyes.
“Come here, you crybaby.”
He melted into me, burying his head in my neck as I held him close.
Eventually, we both settled properly on my bed while he dozed off in minutes. I was still holding him, staring up at the ceiling and thinking of ways to convince him to get the thought of leaving out of his mind.
But somewhere along the line, I drifted off to sleep too.
Upper was still dead asleep beside me when I woke up, so I slipped off the bed and out of the room. He looked like he hadn’t slept a wink the night before, just like me and probably Devil and the rest of us.
Walking down the passageway, I bumped into Milk, who let out a somewhat loud yelp.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Zahra.” She blew out a breath, her hand on her chest.
“Have any idea where Devil is?”
“I saw him out back from the kitchen window.”
“Thanks.” I was about to brush past her but stopped, leveling her with a firm stare. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
She blinked. “It wasn’t my secret to share—”
“We’re supposed to have each other’s backs.”