Chapter 24
TWENTY-FOUR
‘Truth about what?’ Apprehension tightens my stomach and I step away from him.
‘My marriage,’ Jack answers. ‘How bad things were between us. Just how unpredictable Natalia was. She was…’ he falters, eyeing me cautiously, ‘dangerous I guess is the only way to describe it, to everyone around her, but mostly to herself.’
I frown as I try to digest this new twist in his story. ‘So are you saying it was Natalia who was violent?’ Was she? If so, how did no one else know? Jemma seemed to have no idea, yet she saw them socially.
‘Sometimes. She would lash out, usually in the heat of the moment, but still…’ He scans my eyes, as if trying to gauge whether I believe him.
‘I begged her to get some help,’ he goes on.
‘She made an appointment with the GP, got a referral for counselling. She said she was going to the sessions, but I don’t know whether she actually did. She would never talk about it.’
‘But why did you not mention this before?’ I ask, growing ever more confused.
‘How?’ He looks at me beseechingly. ‘It’s not something that’s easy to believe coming from a man about a woman, is it?’
‘I suppose,’ I concede, but still I’m wary.
‘There’s no suppose about it.’ I hear the exasperation in his tone. ‘I’m pretty sure there are not many men who would feel comfortable admitting to something like that, Kara. I didn’t tell you because I felt embarrassed.’
I don’t answer. I’m not sure how to.
‘You have to believe me,’ he almost begs, desperation in his eyes as he searches mine. ‘I understand why you would have doubts, but I am not lying to you. I never have and I never will. You’re carrying our child. Do you honestly think I would put our relationship at risk?’
‘No.’ I study him. He looks so sincere, so scared right now, and I want to believe him, but… ‘I don’t know,’ I reply honestly. ‘It’s all so confusing.’
‘But you weren’t confused before Lina came along spouting all this rubbish,’ he points out. ‘Neither of us were. We were happy together. Making a life together.’
He’s right. But I can’t just ignore all she’s said and carry on as we were.
I would be mad to. He must see that. ‘Why did Natalia attempt suicide that first time?’ I ask, recalling the awful scene in the kitchen when he’d been seething with fury.
‘You told Lina that if she wanted answers as to why she took her own life, she should ask herself why she tried it before,’ I remind him. ‘Was she abused?’
Jack draws in a breath. ‘Her stepfather,’ he confirms. ‘She’d suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder for years, nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks.
She was riddled with guilt, blaming herself.
Things began to get worse after Evie came along.
It was when I realised she’d been googling mental health issues – schizoaffective disorder and dissociative identity disorder – that things began to make sense. ’
‘So she was aware she had issues?’
‘When I questioned her about it, she said that DID had been suggested at one of her sessions, that there might be a genetic link due to her biological father suffering with it. She scoffed at the idea, though, telling me they were just trying to label her.’
‘Did you think they might have been right?’ I ask.
He kneads his forehead. ‘I don’t know. I’m no expert. But when I researched it myself, some of the signs were there: problems forming relationships, the bouts of depression and mood swings – she could go from happy to angry or sad in one second flat.’
‘But she didn’t seek further help?’ I ask, attempting to put the pieces together.
‘No. I don’t think she could accept what she’d been told.
’ He sighs and drags a hand over his face.
‘The chaotic behaviour was the worst. It was as if her mind was jumping from thought to thought. Her speech would be manic, her actions. She would hallucinate, suffer delusions. One minute she loved me, the next… She said once she wished I would just die.’
Oh no. I stare at him, shocked.
He shrugs despondently. ‘She couldn’t help it.
She was ill. I had to try to help her, be there for her.
I loved her. She was caring and loving underneath all the negative stuff.
Happy even. When she was hyper, she was…
not present, that’s the only way I can describe it.
Her eyes would be empty, her expression blank. It terrified me.’
‘But surely other people would have noticed? Her work colleagues? Lina?’ I’m struggling to believe that no one did, Jemma included.
Jack shakes his head. ‘She was prescribed antipsychotics, mood stabilisers. I don’t know how regularly she took them, but outside of the house she managed her symptoms, largely, masked them, because she felt ashamed.
Anything could trigger a manic episode, though – the delusions and mood swings, eventually risky behaviour – sometimes the most obscure of things.
A reminder, a smell or flashback, maybe. I don’t know.’
‘What kind of risky behaviour?’ I press him, needing to understand. Try to.
He drops his gaze. ‘Natalia was the one having affairs.’ He looks back at me with a sad smile. ‘So many I lost count. I think she did too.’
My throat tightens. ‘I’m sorry,’ I murmur. His look is agonised, and though he seems well versed in his description of her symptoms, I sense that this part, at least, is the truth.
‘She would call me having woken up in some strange place, not always the most savoury of places, after having sex with some man she didn’t know.
’ He squeezes his eyes closed, as if he would prefer not to recall.
‘Often she would be injured, indicating what kind of encounters she’d had.
It was almost as if she felt she wasn’t worth loving.
That she didn’t deserve to be anything but abused. ’
The bruises and the broken arm. My chest constricts.
‘I never hurt her, Kara,’ he goes on, his voice choked. ‘I swear to God I didn’t. Please believe me. For our baby’s sake, please don’t break up our family.’