Tanner
I kissed a man today and I don’t know how I feel about it. Maybe it was weird because it was Cal or maybe it’s because it was fake, I don’t know. It’d been a favor for, ironically, Cal’s sister, but I know her as Hannah Thayer, wife of Otto’s twin brother.
Not Hannah Spence, Cal’s sister.
She wanted to do a series of those stranger photoshoots that are popular right now and I went because I was asked to. She said the pictures were great and Cal and I did have fun.
Because we’re friends.
There hadn’t been a spark when we went out on that first date and there wasn’t a spark today when he kissed me. He asked, of course, and I told him he could but the aftermath has been a mindfuck. Should I have let him kiss me? Should I have saved it for someone else?
To be fair, it was a good kiss and I liked the way it felt. I liked his stubble against my hand and the roughness of his hand gripping my neck.
But I’ll never get that “first” back. It probably doesn’t matter. I’m probably just holding on to the idea of it because the everything after feels like I’m jumping into the deep end and don’t know how to swim.
But that’s true, isn’t it?