Deacon
The knock on my door has me fighting back a smile as the screen of my phone goes dark, hiding the message that came in less than a minute before—I’m here.
I’m strangely relaxed as I make my way from the kitchen to the entryway, my jeans and T-shirt casual, just like my expression as I turn the handle.
“Evening,” I say cordially as I lean my shoulder against the doorframe. Tanner’s mouth opens and closes without making a sound as he stares at my chest, the fabric stretched tight and leaving little to the imagination. He seems to be having trouble forming words, and I appreciate the ego boost.
Sue me.
I like the way he’s looking at me, drinking me in as his gaze rakes over me. He looks hungry and that looks good on him.
“Sorry, I”—he clears his throat, his cheeks heating as his wheat-colored eyes finally meet mine—“got distracted.”
“Sure,” I drawl, my accent making the word twice as long as it should be. “What brings you over?”
“I feel like I need to lay everything out for you. I want to date you, Deacon, but I’m fucking terrified that any number of things is going to send you running and I just…”
“Why don’t you come in and we can talk? I’ll even keep my shirt on.”
His eyebrows crinkle and it’s honestly adorable to see his disappointment, but he nods and I turn to walk inside, his footsteps quiet as he follows me.
“Wow, this kitchen is beautiful. Did you do it?” he asks, awe filling his tone as he looks around. I like the praise and I like that it’s coming from him.
I like that he’s impressed.
“Yeah, I have a few more things to do and then I hope I can gift it to Jude and Arden. It’s bigger than their place now.”
“That’s incredibly generous.”
I lift a shoulder and let it fall. “Jude and I bought this place together. It’s only right that he grows a family here.”
A strange swirl of emotions flitters over his face before they’re gone, as if my comment reminded him why he’s in the house in the first place.
“I was married.”
“I know.”
“To a woman.”
I know that too but it seems like he needs to say it.
“We have a son together—Briggs. He’s ten.”
“All right.”
“You don’t seem surprised by that.”
“Do you want me to be?”
He threads his fingers through his hair before rubbing his palm down the back of his neck.
“I don’t know. I just need you to understand.
” He swallows hard and I wait, trying my best to radiate my silent support as he sits on a stool at the island.
“Fallon and I hooked up at a party. I was in the air force when she found out she was pregnant. We got married; I wanted to take care of her and the baby.”
“Sure.” I nod, understanding the need to provide in that situation.
“I love her and I’ll always love her. She’s my best friend, and when I came out to her, there was no huge surprise attached to it. We hadn’t been madly in love, but there was love for each other. Does that make sense?”
“Yes.”
“We agreed that I wouldn’t reenlist. We divorced and she moved to Clementine Creek with the understanding that I’d follow her so we could continue to raise Briggs.” Fisting his hands on the counter, he continues. “She’s married now to Otto Thayer. Do you know him?”
“Yeah, he’s kind of hard to miss,” I reply, picking my words carefully as he gives me a wry smile.
“He’s larger than life and the fourth person outside Fallon and my parents that I came out to. He wanted to fight over her and I needed him to understand it wasn’t like that.”
“How’d he respond?”
“Better than my parents.” Pain flashes across his face but it’s gone in an instant. “Otto is great and he loves Briggs, loves Fallon, and hell, he loves me too.”
“I’m sensing a but here.”
“I felt guilty when I came here that I’d trapped Fallon in a marriage that I thought was the right thing to do.
” His lips press into a hard line and I want to go to him—comfort him—but I’m afraid it will be too much.
He needs to get this out and even though it kills me, I keep myself rooted to my spot.
“But we did all right, you know? Briggs was happy and healthy and loved.”
“Of course.”
“But then I saw the way Otto loves Fallon and the way that she loves him. It felt like someone had sucked all the air from my lungs. They were meant to be together and I took so much time from them.”
“Tanner…”
I take a step but he holds up his hands.
“I know. I know. I’ve been through enough therapy for a lifetime and on some level I get it.
I can parrot back all the right things, and some days I even believe it.
Fallon and I made a choice but it still weighs on me, and now I’m a single dad and the idea of bringing anyone around him is terrifying.
I’ve been out on a couple of dates but I’m… ”
“Healing?” I offer because it sure as hell sounds like he’s been rode hard and put away wet and not in the good way.
“Inexperienced.”
Well, all right then.
“Okay…”
“I haven’t done anything if I’m being honest. It’s not something that works itself easily into conversation over steak and beer.”
“Are you worried that’s a deal-breaker? Because it’s not.” It’s the truth, although I can’t remember the last time I would have taken someone’s virginity. It’s definitely been a while.
“I’m worried about everything.”
“I’m a problem solver, but you’re gonna have to help me out a little.” Grinning, I hold up my thumb and forefinger, pinching them close together to illustrate the point.
“I don’t know what I like, and I’ve never—” He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing as his gaze darts around the room. “I don’t know if I can give you what you like.”
“Learning together might be fun.”
“I’m afraid I won’t be able to get out of my own head—that I’ll want things and not be able to articulate it.
I’m worried I won’t be able to let myself be happy and truly let go.
I’m going to need a push, and that’s a hell of a lot of work for a date.
Seriously, if you were in my house instead of me in yours right now, this is the part where I’d expect you to just turn around and walk out. ”
This time it’s my mouth opening and closing as I try, and fail, to find the right words. In all my years on this planet, I’ve never had a negotiation take place simply to date someone. It’s like having the terms and conditions laid out, and I have to sign on the dotted line.
I kind of like it, and I have no idea what that says about me.
Taking a moment, I search his face while I sift through all the things he’s said.
And all the ones he hasn’t.
“Tell me what you want.” It’s not so much a command as it is a prompt because unless I’m reading this wrong, that’s exactly what he needs.
“I want you to ask me.” Belatedly, he adds, “Again.” He holds my gaze as he says the words, his pulse fluttering in the column of his throat.
Nervous.
But confident.
Waiting a beat, I push off from where I’m standing across the room, stalking over to him slowly.
Purposefully.
He shifts on the stool as I approach, his movements matching mine until his back is pressed against the edge, bowing slightly as I cage him in with my arms on either side of him.
“Tanner?” I rumble, his name coming out deep and throaty as his glance darts from my eyes to my lips and up again.
“Yes.”
“Will you go out with me?”
“Yes.”
It’s breathy, a mixture of relief and arousal in that simple answer that has my blood pumping enthusiastically south. I want to kiss him, wipe the uncertainty from his expression, and let him know just how unconcerned I am with all his alleged deal-breakers.
“Tanner?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m going to kiss you.”
“Really? Yeah. That’s good. That’s—”
I cut off his rambling as I press my lips to his, gently when all I want is to push my tongue into his mouth and listen to him gasp and moan. But he’s not ready for that.
Not yet.
Not even when his hand loosely grips the hem of my shirt, his head tilting in an attempt to deepen the kiss.
Pulling back, I smirk. “Tomorrow at seven. Here. I’ll make dinner so you don’t have to worry about anything outside this.” I let my gaze skate down to where his hand is still balled in my shirt, and he blushes, dropping the fabric that’s now wrinkled.
“Sorry,” he murmurs, making my lips twitch as he tries to smooth it down, but he’s just petting the bottom part of my stomach and the top part of my thigh. The color on his cheeks deepens as I stand to my full height and pull him up and against me so our bodies are flush.
“I’m not,” I tell him, loving the feel of him hard against my leg.
Affected.
Needy.
“Deacon.” There’s the slightest bit of panic in his tone, either at our proximity or the fact that I can feel his excitement.
Maybe it’s that he can feel mine too.
“Tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
Leaning in, I press a kiss to his cheek, the mostly clean-shaven skin luring me in along with the smell of his lotion or aftershave. I can’t wait to find out.
I can’t wait to find out everything about Tanner Holiday.