21. Deacon
DEACON
DEACON: I think I fucked up tonight
JUDE: I’m running on almost zero sleep—what are we talking about? Miscellaneous felony? I really don’t want to fight anyone. Arden will kill me.
DEACON: She’d kill you then me
JUDE: Probably
DEACON: My date with Tanner tonight didn’t go how I thought it would
Instead of a text, my phone rings in my hand and my shoulders slump as I imagine my brother having to take time away from Arden and the baby to deal with me.
“I’m sorry—” I start but he cuts me off.
“It’s not you. Arden said I was breathing too hard and it was annoying her because she was trying to relax.”
“Sounds serious.”
“Yeah, well, the faster we can figure out what you did the faster I can get Arden to tolerate me again.”
“You’re not selling this whole relationship thing,” I tease even though we both know I’m lying. I want what he has, and the longer I stand in my kitchen, the more confident I am that I shouldn’t have left Tanner alone.
But what choice did I have?
“Honestly, it’s amazing even when she’s pissed. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done.” He clears his throat, and I wait for him to continue, not wanting to comment on such a vulnerable moment. “What happened tonight?”
“We haven’t seen each other much this week and when I picked him up, we got a little carried away.
” My dick jumps at the memory of that hot little interaction, and I force myself to take a breath before continuing.
“I took him to Brew, Q, ’n Boogie and I told him I wanted to take him somewhere that wasn’t my usual spot. ”
“All right.”
“It was the wrong thing to say, obviously, and we talked about it but there was still tension there and then I called him “Sweetheart” again and he wanted to know if that was something I do all the time too.”
“Is it?”
“Hell, no.”
“Okay…”
“I honestly can’t even remember a time I’ve called anyone something like that.”
“So what happened?”
“I told him as much, we made out behind a tree, and he asked me to bring him home.”
Silence fills the line as I drag my palm down my face.
“The hardest part with Arden was learning when to push and when to give her space,” he says, his drawl making the words sound measured and intentional.
“I thought my heart had been ripped right out of my chest when she went to Chicago. I didn’t know what to expect when she came home and hell, it still wasn’t easy, but we both kept showing up even when we had no idea how things would turn out. ”
“I think I came on too strong tonight. I just…fuck. I really like him and—” My words are cut off by a knock at the door. “Someone’s here; I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Good luck,” Jude says before disconnecting, and my heart pounds in my chest as I try like hell not to get my hopes up.
Who else could it be?
God, please let it be him.
There’s no one else I want. Only him. And as I cross to the front door, I take a second to steady myself and pray I don’t screw this up again. Twisting the handle, I pull it wide and gape at the sight before me.
TANNER
It took all of five minutes after Deacon left for me to realize what a colossal mistake I made having him bring me home tonight.
My reaction had been a knee-jerk one, the product of years of my father being distant, disapproving, and now absent.
It’s not an excuse I want to make a habit of using, but in this case, I’d been completely unable to pull myself out of that unhealthy headspace.
But I didn’t stew in it and that feels like progress.
Grabbing my keys, I’d jumped in my car and called in an order of Chinese food as I made the trip from Clementine Creek to Blackstone Falls in record time.
I should have used the time while I was waiting for our order to think about what I wanted to say, but the only thing running through my head was I need to get there.
So, I didn’t fight it.
And now, as I knock on his door, I wish I’d figured out something other than hey to get me started. But suddenly it doesn’t matter as Deacon fills the doorway, his charcoal-gray T-shirt molded to his chest and arms, my mouth practically watering just looking at him.
“I want to try again,” I blurt out, his eyes widening as his lips curve up on one side.
“Try what?”
“Tonight. Our date. I screwed it up and I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened except it felt too real out there tonight with no safeguard.”
“So, what do you need, Tanner?”
“You,” I tell him honestly. “I need you and I need to be here or we can go to my house or somewhere quiet for a while. I’m not ashamed of you or me or us—it’s nothing like that.
I can be myself with you here…when it’s just us,” I confess as the plastic bag of food rustles in my hand.
“I’m still trying to figure out who I am, and tonight I realized I’m not ready for what’s outside our little bubble.
” Motioning to the house, I add, “I’m asking for more of this for a while but I understand if—”
I don’t get the chance to finish before Deacon is yanking me over the threshold, the door slamming behind me, and then I’m pressed against the wood, his body caging mine in place. I love when he does this, his presence and strength dominating me in the most addictive way.
“I thought I pushed you too far,” he says. The regret clear in his tone has me setting the bag of food gently on the ground before reaching up and cupping his face. His stubble pricks along my palms and I love the feel, the roughness sending a jolt of electricity straight to my groin.
“It wasn’t you,” I admit. “And I know it’s a lot to ask, but I’m just not ready to add the pressure of the outside world into this yet.”
“Okay.”
“Just okay?” I ask, loving the way he’s leaning into my touch the longer we stand here.
“More than. But right now, I’m waiting for you to kiss me.”
Chuckling, I tilt my face up to meet his, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth, light and teasing before capturing his lips in a searing one.
Deacon groans and it’s everything I need in this moment.
Desire.
Surrender.
Hope.
The latter might be wishful thinking, but as I wrap my arms around his neck and his arms band around my waist, I have to wonder if this was always where I was meant to be.