22. Tanner
TANNER
“Are you sure this is all right?” Otto asks for the third time as he shifts from one foot to the other in my kitchen.
“Why are you stalling?” I ask, narrowing my eyes, because he knows I love having Rosie here with Briggs. Luna Mae is still attached to Fallon, but I have no doubt that little one will make herself at home here too when she’s ready.
Otto never gave me the chance to be weird about him and Fallon having kids. They offered me a huge piece of their hearts and family by including me, and it’s one of the best things that could have happened. And now, I get to have Briggs and their oldest, Rosie, whenever I can.
She’s a cute little thing with big eyes and a mess of hair that she lets me brush if I bribe her with a snack after bathtime. I love her like she’s my own and have since the day she was born.
“What? I’m not stalling.” He feigns innocence and I roll my eyes. “Fine, I just want to know how your date was. I’m a little hurt you didn’t tell me.”
He tries to laugh it off but I can see the truth in his eyes.
He is hurt and that makes me feel like an ass because Otto has been nothing but amazing to me. Even that first day when he wanted to fight, we worked it out pretty quick.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, hoping he can hear the sincerity in my voice. “It’s new and a little scary if I’m being honest.”
“How come?”
I open my mouth and then close it as I try to decide how honest I want to be. Fallon had gotten upset when we had this conversation in my kitchen, and while I don’t want a repeat of that, I feel like I owe it to Otto to tell him the truth.
“Seeing you with Fallon, even in the beginning, made me realize how much she and I didn’t fit. I thought I already worked through all that, but admitting that I like Deacon has brought on a new wave of guilt.”
“Dude.”
“I know,” I relent, holding my hands up in surrender. “Deep down I know. She’s happy and you’re happy and this was all for the best, but it’s an emotional marathon.”
“We want you to be happy. I know it weighs on her and I love you like a brother. You deserve all the good things too.”
“I’m trying.”
“Is he good to you?”
“Yeah, he’s more patient than anyone has the right to be which has come in handy because I don’t think I would have stuck around this long if I was him.”
“Don’t do that,” Otto says, his tone subdued and lacking all of his normal joviality. He’s a goofball ninety percent of the time, but this ten percent never fails to stop me in my tracks. It’s unlike him, so I’m inclined to give him my full attention.
“I’m serious. He took me out the other night—I wanted to go—and then it spiraled. It was too much and that sucks because he deserves to go out, and frankly, so do I.”
“What happened?”
“I guess it’s just been nice to date him in a controlled space at either his house or here.” I motion around the kitchen. “Being out in public brought on a lot of insecurity I wasn’t ready for. Noise. And I panicked, I guess.”
“Are things okay now?”
“You know, it’s freaking me out that you’re being so levelheaded right now.”
He grins. “I can lock it down when it’s important and this”—he motions to me—“is important.”
“Things are fine. I just surprised myself with how fast it went sideways in my head. I thought I was past all of it, but then the smallest test of that had me panicked and running.”
“Feelings are uncomfortable. I get it, but I don’t want you to run.”
Deacon’s words echo in my mind, the guilt that I had run making it impossible to explain away. But hadn’t I run back to him too?
Shouldn’t that count for something?
“I know you have this idealized version of Fallon and me, but it wasn’t always like this for us. We fought hard to get here like everyone else. She’s my highest highs and my lowest lows, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.”
“So you’re saying I need to get over myself?” I ask, trying to infuse a little levity into this unusually somber conversation.
“I’m saying you need to give yourself some grace and stop worrying. You’re supposed to enjoy the ride.” He waggles his eyebrows and smiles like a fool, the combination making me bark out a laugh at his thankfully normal antics.
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“You do that.”
DEACON
TANNER: (blurry picture of Tanner reading to a young boy and girl)
TANNER: Sorry, Briggs tried to send that to Otto but you’re first in my list
DEACON: So I shouldn’t be turned on by the hot single dad right now?
TANNER: Not for another ten minutes
Chuckling, I put my phone on the counter and look around the kitchen that’s nearly complete. I have to hang the crown molding and touch up the paint in a few places, but it’s one more room off the list.
Warmth spreads through my chest like it always does when I think about finally giving this place to Jude, Arden, and Salem. My brother and I had purchased this place together years ago, and until he got involved with Arden, it had been our home.
He moved into her rental but that never sat right with me.
This should be a home for a family.
I didn’t see myself having one when I started the renovations here, and right now, I’m still not sure if it’s in the cards for me.
Tanner is incredible but it’s too soon to tell what will happen between us.
And that’s okay.
I promised I wouldn’t rush him, and aside from things escalating in his kitchen the other night, I haven’t.
TANNER: Both kids are in bed—Rosie got me to read an extra THREE books
DEACON: Sounds terrible LOL
TANNER: It is when everything rhymes and suddenly you can’t make words happen at all
DEACON: You’re welcome to read me a bedtime story anytime
TANNER: I could probably get a recommendation from Sorren
TANNER: But there’s no chance I’ll make it through reading a sex scene without making a fool of myself
DEACON: I like when you blush
TANNER: It’s not sexy
DEACON: I’m hard just thinking about it
TANNER: You’re being ridiculous
DEACON: Am I?
TANNER: Yes but I’m trying—Otto said I need to enjoy the ride
TANNER: I believe the innuendo was intentional
DEACON: I should hope so
DEACON: And I support this idea wholeheartedly
TANNER: It feels like my head is never going to catch up to what my body wants
DEACON: It will
DEACON: There’s no doubt the wait is worth the reward
TANNER: Why do you say all the right things?
DEACON: Didn’t feel like that the other night
TANNER: I told you that was me
DEACON: You made up for it by coming to my house
TANNER: I’m glad I didn’t overthink it
DEACON: Me too
DEACON: You should try that more often
TANNER: Easier said than done
DEACON: Maybe, but we have time
We have all the time in the world.