15. Fifteen #2
And there it was. If I were being brutally honest with myself — which I had no choice but to be at this point — I had been reacting to the spark.
I’d felt it the moment I saw Wylie across the table from me that first night.
I’d registered two things in that moment.
The first was that she was absolutely gorgeous. The second was that she was Wylie.
Had I never known Wylie, I would have been attracted to the adult version of her.
She was exactly what I’d always been attracted to in a woman.
Well, Anna Paquin notwithstanding. She didn’t count, though.
I’d been an impressionable kid, and True Blood was very open about sex.
Of course, I’d been attracted to that show. I didn’t have a choice.
Wylie, though, was the real deal. She was nothing like Sookie Stackhouse, and thank the heavens above for that, because I’d rewatched the show as an adult about a year before, and the problems with Sookie’s personality only became obvious then.
I didn’t want Sookie Stackhouse. Did I want Wylie, though?
That question plagued me as I went through the motions with the readers. They deserved more from me — so much more — but I was lost in my own head, and there was nothing I could do about it. Wylie was taking up every inch of thinking space I had.
Finally, when there was about an hour left, I took a break and moved to a spot outside where I could think, alone, away from Wylie. I closed my eyes, pressed my back against the wall of the restaurant, and forced myself to breathe in and out at regular intervals.
I could handle this. It wasn’t a big deal. I was an adult, for crying out loud. And it was Wylie. I wasn’t interested in Wylie. It was impossible. She was a geek. She was …
She’s everything you’ve ever dreamed about.
If I could have muzzled my inner voice right then, I would have done it with military precision. It was too late, though. I’d heard it. I’d felt it. I’d —
“Huxley?” a male voice asked, ripping me out of my reverie.
I looked up and found, of all people, Nathan watching me. He looked sympathetic, not impish, for a change.
“Hey.” I forced myself to straighten. “Do I need to get back inside? I must have lost track of how long I was out here.”
He waved off my concern. “You’re fine,” he assured me. “You haven’t been out here for more than a few minutes.”
“Good.” I slumped back against the restaurant exterior. “That’s good.”
“Yes, you look as if you feel like it’s good,” he readily agreed.
I gave him a dirty look as my spine stiffened. He was here to cause trouble. He and Bree were always the troublemakers. “Go ahead and say it. I know you want to.”
“What is it that you think I want to say?”
“I don’t know.” I gripped my hands into fists. My emotions were all over the place. “I just … don’t know.”
“Yeah. That’s why I’m here.” He licked his lips, glanced around, then offered up a rueful smile. “I’m here to give you some unsolicited advice.”
I didn’t say anything. I was afraid to say anything, actually.
“I knew I was falling for Bella a lot sooner than she knew it,” he started. “Actually, she might have known she felt something, but she refused to let herself entertain the possibility because I’d told her it was never going to happen.”
I just waited him out, uncertain where he was going with this.
“The thing is, I thought I didn’t want a relationship because history had taught me that there was no woman who could hold my interest up until then,” he continued, absently scratching his cheek. He seemed to be searching for the right words. “I was missing the point, though.”
“And what was the point?” I asked, honestly curious.
“The point was that those women weren’t right for me, so I didn’t want a relationship. Once I was near Bella, I did want a relationship with her because she was right. For me at least.”
I swallowed hard. “What are you saying?”
“That maybe you’re out here freaking out because Wylie is right for you and you didn’t expect it.”
“I’m not freaking out,” I shot back, my voice as high and screechy as I’d ever heard it. Well, other than puberty. That was a time I didn’t want to talk about, though.
“Okay.” Nathan held out his hands and took a step back.
“I get that you’re not ready to talk about it yet.
It’s still too fresh. The thing is, I saw the moment you realized you did have feelings for Wylie.
It happened over dinner tonight, and you never quite recovered. I remember having that moment myself.”
“There was no moment.” I was adamant about it as I shook my head. “There was no freaking moment.”
“Okay.” The sigh he let loose was full of disappointment. “You don’t want to pursue anything with Wylie.”
“I don’t,” I confirmed.
“She’s like a sister to you,” he added.
I squirmed. “Can you not call her my sister? Like … just don’t.”
A smile spread across his face. “May I ask why you don’t want to look at her as a sister?”
“No, you may not.”
He snorted, then caught himself and sobered. “Sorry. I’m just going to let you sit with your feelings for a little bit. You’ll come to terms with this faster if I don’t push you.”
“There’s nothing to come to terms with.” I refused to let my life snowball out of control right now, and that’s exactly what was about to happen. I had to get control over what was happening.
“It’s not a bad thing,” Nathan promised.
“Oh, no?” I locked gazes with him and snorted. “How, exactly, do you think my mother is going to take it if I show up for Christmas with Wylie on my arm?”
Obviously, the actual intricacies of this situation hadn’t fully hit him because he looked surprised at my vehemence. Then he went still.
“Oh,” he said finally.
“Oh,” I barked.
“I didn’t even take into consideration the mothers thing.” A smile broke out on his face as he clapped my shoulder. “This is going to be great for everybody, actually.”
“How do you figure that?”
“Because you and Wylie are on a crash course for each other. That means, eventually, your mothers are going to be on a crash course, too. Maybe they’ll make up.”
“I sincerely doubt it.”
“What makes you say that? Every fight can be overcome.”
I was going to wipe that smile off his face, one way or another. “Because Wylie’s stepfather is my former stepfather.”
“I don’t …” Nathan broke off, realization finally setting in. “Oh, geez,” he said.
“Yeah. Our mothers are not going to play nice.”
He regrouped faster than I anticipated. “That doesn’t mean you guys can’t be together.”
Didn’t it? However I approached this problem, I kept coming up against a brick wall. I wouldn’t hurt my mother for anything. What if I couldn’t stay away from Wylie, though? How was I supposed to fix this situation?
“It’s more complicated than you can ever understand,” I said finally. “I can’t break my mother’s heart. Not again. I just … can’t.”
Nathan dragged a hand through his hair. “Well, maybe we can figure a way around this.”
“We can’t.” I was firm on that. “There’s just no way. You need to let it go.”
Now I had to follow my advice and let it go, too.
Right?
Right?
Oh, hell. I wasn’t going to let it go. I already knew that. Maybe it was time to stop pretending instead.
Yeah, that was definitely the way to go.