Ash Wednesday
BEN
I lost track of Lainey. Last time I saw her, she was sitting on the other side of the bar talking to Jan. Then she was gone, and no one knew where she went. Duncan left with another woman. Gotta give the guy credit for not seeming too upset that his date disappeared with another man. Jan said Lainey had started to sway in her seat, so I pray she got a ride home. I've sent her texts, but it doesn't look like she's seen them.
I give the bar one last wipe-down. We had a hell of a night, but now it's three-thirty in the morning and exhaustion is setting in. I let Jan and the rest of my crew go ten minutes ago. I toss the rag in a bin and pull out my keys to unlock my office. As soon as I step in, I stop. Lainey is curled up on the couch, sound asleep. Well, passed out might be a better description. But she's here.
Instead of going home, she came here.
This woman. She's driving me the best kind of crazy. What we did earlier was hot as fuck, but it's not nearly enough. No, it only made me want more of her, which is why the look of panic that came over her face after she came on my fingers disappointed the hell out of me. How can she deny this thing between us when it's this explosive?
Fuck, I can't let my thoughts turn that over anymore. I'm too tired. I set my keys on my desk and flip off the overhead lights, leaving my desk lamp on, and cross over to the couch. I get rid of the remaining beads around my neck, belt, suspenders, and untuck my shirt before gently easing her head up and sit down, letting her head rest on my lap like she did for me on Valentine’s Day. She doesn’t even stir. I lean back, close my eyes, and let my exhaustion take me.
“Ben?”
The voice pulls me from sleep, and I open my eyes to find a very tousled-looking Lainey blinking at me. “Morning,” I say, my voice thick with sleep, though I have no idea what time it is.
“How did I end up here?”
“Not sure. I came in here after we closed, and you were asleep."
She blinks a few times and presses her hands to her temples. "I think I came back because I forgot to lock your office."
"Then Goldilocks found the just right place to go to sleep?"
She snorts a laugh. "I guess. Those martinis hit me like a hurricane."
"Yeah, I had to cut some people off. Your date left with another woman. What did you tell him?"
She winces. "Nothing really. He pretty much guessed. I can't believe I..."
"What? Came like a fucking rockstar on my fingers?" I grin at her, and her blush deepens.
"More like let someone other than my date..."
"Make you come?"
She gives me a frustrated look.
"Regret it? "
Surprisingly, she keeps eye contact with me. I was sure she would try to escape the question.
"I didn't say the safe word," she says quietly.
"That means you wanted it in the moment, not that you don't regret it now."
She sighs. "It shouldn't have happened. Our parents are dating, and unless your dad has a side he hasn’t shown yet, Mom is finally dating a decent guy. She’d probably marry him tomorrow if he asked."
I roll my eyes. "That’s a bit much for two months of dating."
She shrugs. "My mom has never dated a decent guy. My sister’s dad stayed the longest. He waited until she was born before he moved on. My dad took off two hours after she showed him the positive pregnancy test. There was Vince, the firefighter, who ended up being married. Jason, the schoolteacher, who was also banging the principal at his school. And countless other guys who loved and left her, always staying just long enough to give her hope.” She pauses and sighs. “Ben, she deserves a good, honest love. If there’s a chance to be happily married, I promise she’ll take it. And I don’t blame her.”
Shit. That’s a lot to process, but what really sticks out to me is what Lainey said about her father. “You don’t know your dad?”
“I know his name. Never met him. Never tried.”
“Damn, Lainey. I’m so sorry.”
She shrugs again. “It’s easy not to give a damn about someone when they never gave one about you.”
Tough sentiment and I’m sure she means it, but I imagine they’re covering a lifetime of hurt.
"Lainey, my dad isn’t like those guys your mom dated. My parents were together for over twenty years. They were dedicated to each other. But this is the first time he’s dated since her death. I don’t think he’ll treat your mom poorly, but it’s hard to say if he’ll ever be ready to be married again. "
She snorts a laugh. “It would be my mom’s luck that the first decent guy she dates is just dipping his toe in the dating pool after thirty years. Still, Mike’s good for her. And I can’t mess it up by having a one-night stand with his son.”
"One-night stand? What makes you think it'll only be one time?"
She blinks at me. "Because..." her words trail off.
“What?”
"Look, no offense, but...I don’t go out with guys like you.”
“Like me?”
“Players.” She gestures to the mound of beads on my desk.
Hurt pierces my chest. “I had a Mardi Gras theme night. What did you expect to happen?” I don’t get why she thinks me getting beads makes me a player. Then it hits me. “Do you think I’m being Frat Bro Ben with you?”
She doesn’t need to confirm it. I can see it on her face. This is why she was so upset about my college reputation on Valentine’s Day. She’s seen her mom get screwed over by guys like Frat Bro Ben…or whatever she thinks I was like. I didn’t cheat or trick women.
My heart plummets and I feel a little sick to my stomach. I was hoping she’d be the one person who saw past Frat Bro Ben, but I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever escape him.
But I have to try.
"Lainey, you're the only woman I've touched since I graduated college.”
She looks at me doubtfully. “How is that possible with all the women who give you their number?”
“Because I don’t call them.”
“Why not?”
"Because Frat Bro Ben’s lifestyle got old. I was twenty-four when I graduated, kind of time to stop fucking around. He served his purpose. "
"And what was his purpose?"
I sigh. "To get me through my grief. Or rather, to help me ignore it."
A thick silence fills the room.
"Ben." Her expression softens, and she intertwines her hand with mine.
I don't talk about how hard my mom's death was on me. No one who knew me in college realized Frat Bro Ben was a mask. What I didn’t get was how hard it would be to shed it once you’re used to wearing it. How exposed it makes you feel. How you don’t recognize yourself anymore. How you don’t even know who you are.
“Want to talk about it?” she asks.
A jumble of nerves fills me. I never talk about the time during my mom’s illness. I never wanted anyone to see past the mask. But when I look at Lainey…I want to give her all my secrets. I want her to see all of me.
I clear my throat and hope I can actually get the words out. "She was diagnosed the summer after I graduated from high school. I was going to be an architect major, not because I knew a whole lot about it, but thought it sounded fun. I was dating this girl, Emily, and she was also going to CTU, so I was looking forward to not sneaking around with her anymore. But…”
Emotion clogs my throat and I have to clear it again. “My mom's diagnosis fucked with my head, and I didn’t want any of that anymore. I dropped out after two weeks. Emily eventually dumped me since I wasn’t exactly a lot of fun to be around. I got odd jobs, but mostly worked here and spent time with my mom. We were starting to feel positive, and then…”
My sinuses burn at the sudden rush of tears, but I force them back. Her grip on my hand tightens even as she uses her thumb to gently stroke my skin in comfort. “We found out the cancer had spread, and just before Christmas, she passed away. I don’t remember much about the months after that, but one day, Uncle Red said if I went back to college and got a business degree, he'd turn over the bar to me. So, I did. But I refused to be the dorm's resident sad sack, so I became Frat Bro Ben.”
We sit in silence for a while as she continues to give me comforting touches. I think she knows I need a moment to collect myself.
“Then, as a graduation present, Uncle Red turned over the bar to me. I wasn’t expecting it so soon, but I'd already told him my vision, and he thought it was time. So, I immediately threw myself into making Red Poppy.”
"A reformed fuckboy?”
Achieving that title wasn't ever a goal of mine, but I wasn’t interested in love. I didn’t want to feel that much, especially for another person. Frat Boy Ben’s lifestyle was exactly what I needed. What my parents had was the end game, and since meeting Lainey, I’ve remembered it was a goal I once wanted—and maybe it could be a possibility for us.
But if I tell her all that, she'll bolt out of this office faster than the Roadrunner. So, instead, I say, “Do you go out with reformed fuckboys?”
Silence fills the room as she looks down, her gaze on our interlocked hands. "We can't date, Ben." Her voice is soft, yet there's a finality to it that makes my stomach turn.
"Lainey, we're adults. It doesn’t matter that our parents are dating."
Her gaze darts to my desk before she eases her hand out of mine. "Yes, it does. It’s what really matters. They’re mending their broken hearts together. They deserve this piece of happiness."
“And we don’t? Last night was good. Every time we're together, it's good. More than good."
"That's lust. "
"So? You never said you regretted it. I think you're not answering because you don't want to admit that this can be more than lust."
"It was a mis—"
"Stop." I jump up, my body and voice tight with tension. We can call what we did last night a lot of things, but that was no fucking error in judgment. I pace away, turn back and hold her gaze. "It wasn't a mistake."
Her mouth flattens. "It won't work."
"Why not?"
"Because it never works!" Her shouted words vibrate through the room, the anguish in them lingering in the air.
She stands and attempts to leave, but I step in front of her. I can’t let her go like this. Her gaze snaps to mine. "Acnestis."
The word hits me like a gut punch. I wasn't expecting that. And as much as I hate that she said it, it's probably best she did. I can't keep pressing her. Not after everything she just told me. So, I nod to let her know that I accept her request to stop.
But that doesn't mean I'm giving up.
I don't just want her. I want to be with her. I want to see if these feelings are as right as they feel.
"Lainey," I say when her hand grips the doorknob. "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens."
Her brows furrow in confusion.
"It's a Bible verse. There's more to it, but that's what I remember. Happy ."