St. Patrick’s Day
Lainey
Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!
Ben
Whoa, this is a surprise. Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Lainey
Why is this a surprise?
Ben
Because you never initiate the holiday text.
Lainey
Oh, I like to initiate. *smirking emoji*
Ben
Lainey, are you drunk?
Lainey
Maayybeeeee
Ben
Well, at least you're celebrating the holiday properly. We've been slammed at the bar all day. Are you on the Irish pub crawl?
Lainey
Did that already with Ryan.
Ben
Who’s Ryan?
Lainey
*pic of a half-drunk margarita in front of basket of chips and salsa*
Margarita specials all night!!
Ben
Whoa, wait. You're at a Mexican restaurant? It's St. Patrick's Day, not Cinco de Mayo! You're supposed to be drinking Irish beer or whiskey.
Lainey
Polka music and skunky beer are not my thing.
Ben
YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!!
Lainey
Ugh, don’t be a Ryan. Margaritas are green! Joey says it totally counts!!
Ben
Who the hell is Joey?
Lainey
idk
Ben
You’re not making any sense. Who is Ryan?
Lainey
Holidate.
Ben
And Joey? You’ re out with two guys?
Lainey
I ditched Ryan hours ago. Way too serious about a pub crawl.
Ben
You still haven’t said who Joey is.
Lainey
Autocorrect, lol!!!
Ben
*gif of man rubbing his face in frustration*
I think it might be time to stop drinking.
Ten minutes later...
Ben
Where did you go? Are you okay?
Lainey
Not really.
Ben
What's going on?
Seriously, Lainey! Where are you?
Lainey
Mexican restaurant
Ben
That's specific. There are at least 20 Mexican restaurants just on the street I'm on.
Lainey
Which one?
Ben
omfg! Where's your date? What's going on?
Lainey
Next to me. Got kicked out. You spill one drink...
Ben
Jesus. Where are you? I'll pick you up.
Lainey
No, I'm on a holidate.
Ben
And you're texting me.
Lainey
Okay, I'll stop.
Ben
Lainey!! Fuck. Please be careful. Don't drive.
An hour later...
Lainey
I'm not driving.
Ben
I've been going crazy. Where are you?
Lainey
On way home. Driver just dropped off Josie.
Ben
Josie?
Lainey
*pic of Lainey and a dark-haired woman with margaritas in their hands*
Meet my holidate and bff. Josie not Joey.
Ben
I’m thinking the spelling mistake was more user error than autocorrect
You okay? I don’t like that you’re drunk and alone with a stranger.
Lainey
Feeling better. Got water while we waited for a ride.
Ben
Good.
Lainey
Why don't you meet me at my place?
Ben
That's not a good idea.
Lainey
idk, I think it'll be good. Really really good. *winky face emoji*
Ben
You're drunk. I'm not taking advantage of you.
Lainey
It's not taking advantage if I invite you. I don't want a gentleman right now. I don't want gentle at all. I want rough and hard.
Ben
Fuck, Lainey...you're killing me.
Lainey
Come over.
Ben
The first time I fuck you, you're going to be stone-cold sober.
Lainey
That was hot. That doesn't solve the problem that I'm horny now though. One little fuck...come on...
Ben
Little? That's not how you convince a man to get naked with you.
Lainey
Then come over and show me I’m wrong. Sending you a pin of my address.
Ben
Tell you what, if you feel the same way when you wake up in the morning, text me and I'll be at your place before your phone goes dark.
Lainey
Tomorrow is not a holiday. Don't we only do holidays?
Ben
It's National Awkward Moments Day. Just looked it up.
Lainey
Sounds like the perfect day to have sex. *rolling eyes emoji*
Ben
It's also National Sloppy Joe Day. I can bring lunch.
Lainey
Omg, you're not making it any better!
Ben
Sloppy Joes can be sexy
Lainey
No, they can't! What is wrong with you?
Ben
It's also National Biodiesel Day
Lainey
wth?
Ben
There's more...
Wait, I got it! National Corn Dog Day. Corn Dogs are definitely sexy. They have wieners. *winky face emoji* *eggplant emoji*
Lainey
Omg. Carnival food is NOT sexy! And why is one day getting so much attention? That's too many holidays for one day. This conversation has definitely sobered me up. Just come over.
Ben
Text me tomorrow.
Lainey
Ben!!
Ben
Goodnight, Lainey.