April Fool’s Day
BEN
Lainey
I'm at the hospital. Our parents have struck again.
I bite back a smile. I had a feeling I would hear from her today. Very curious where she’s going with this.
Me
What??
Lainey
They're stuck. Together.
Me
What does that mean?
Lainey
Um, it seems your dad has a piercing.
I bark out a laugh. At least she’s inventive.
Me
No, he doesn't.
Lainey
It's not somewhere you'd see. And it's new. He and my mom have been...experimenting. *shudders*
Me
You're funny.
Lainey
I'm not joking! I wish I was. You think I like the picture of our parents stuck together by their hoo-hahs in my mind?
Me
Lainey, it's April Fool's Day. I'm not falling for it. You can stop now.
Lainey
I’m serious!!
Me
No, you're not. My dad is the last person in the world to get a piercing. Especially through his dick.
The next text that comes through is a picture of a nurse with a mask on holding up an admissions chart with my dad and Kathleen’s names on it. Impressive.
Me
Wow, you've really taken this far.
Lainey
The only other proof I can get is going into the room and taking a picture of them in a very compromising position. I don't think they'll appreciate that. And trust me, that's the last thing I want to see. Besides, the doctor is in there now. I'll update you in a bit.
I shake my head. I dip out of our text exchange and text my dad. I’m going to catch her in her lie.
Me
Okay, sure.
Lainey
I’m serious!!
Me
I texted my dad.
Lainey
Have you heard back?
I don’t answer since I haven’t. Not that he’s the most timely when it comes to responding to texts.
Lainey
You can call him. I'll wait for you to tell me he didn't answer.
Me
Fine, I’ll call. But I still don't believe you.
I call my dad, and it eventually rolls into voicemail. In all the times I’ve called my dad, he hasn’t answered maybe three times. Doubt creeps in, but I refuse to entertain it. It’s April fucking Fool’s Day. I’m not going to fall for it.
Lainey
I'm calling you. The doctor just came out.
A moment later, my phone rings with a video call and when I answer, I see her in what looks like a hospital hallway. She immediately says, "Hey, here’s the doctor.”
The screen shifts, and I’m eyeing what looks like a real doctor, scrubs and all. “Hello, Ben, I’m Dr. Wheeler. Your parents are in a lot of pain, so I think it's best if we put them under to separate them. It's a delicate situation, and any movement or, um, stimulation could make things worse. "
I’m silent for a beat. There’s no way this is real. Yet, my heartbeat has picked up, and worry has set in.
"Are you serious?” I demand. “This isn't a joke?"
"I'm sorry, it's not. I understand it's not the best day for a situation like this.” He gives me a sympathetic smile. “It’s actually more common than you’d think. It’s a complicated surgery with their positions, but they should be able to go home this afternoon, depending on how they respond to the anesthesia. And, of course, I’ll have to assess any damage first.”
“Damage?”
“There could be some extensive tearing for both patients.”
I wince and resist the urge to cover my own dick in protection.
“Of course, they should abstain for—”
“Um, yeah, I think you can leave the aftercare instructions to them.”
“Right. Of course. I need to prep now. The sooner we take care of this, the better. I’ll talk with y’all post-op.” He gives me a nod, and then I see him squeeze Lainey’s shoulder. There’s no doubt she’s in a hospital.
Jesus. I look around my office for my keys. If my dad’s having surgery, even if it’s the most ridiculous surgery I’ve ever heard of, I need to be there.
Lainey comes back on screen. "Believe me now?”
"I can’t believe I’m saying this, but yeah. What hospital are you at?"
"Gotcha Memorial."
I pause. "What?"
"Happy April Fool's Day, Ben!" Several people's laughter rings through the line before she ends the call. I drop my head, kinda hating myself for falling for it when I knew it was a prank.
Me
I fucking knew it!
Lainey
And I still got you.
*victory dance gif*
Me
Who the hell was that guy?
Lainey
Dr. Wheeler. I guess I never told you that my friend Josie is a nurse. Once I told them the plan, they were all in. Your dad was a good sport, too. I asked him to ignore your calls and texts.
Me
You're diabolical.
Lainey
I had to be. I knew you'd expect it.
Me
I'm going to get you back.
Lainey
Give it your best shot!
I smile. She might have won this round, but the game’s not over.
Lainey
Why are there trombone players at my desk playing Pharrell's Happy?
Me
Happy Trombone Players Day!
Lainey
There's no way you pulled this off in a couple of hours.
Me
I've had this planned for two weeks. Had to get your office's permission and everything.
I knew you wouldn't fall for an April Fool's joke, so I went for another "holiday."
Lainey
The whole office is staring and videoing me. I can't believe you did this.
Me
hahaha, I know. Your boss just sent me a video. Man, it's so fucking awesome.
Lainey
It's really fucking loud!
Me
Enjoy the next hour of some fine trombone music. They're paid to follow you wherever you go.
Oh, and your boss assured me you can't leave the office early. Go ahead ask her.
Send me a selfie with the players.
Lainey
*pic of a middle finger with trombone players in background*