Chapter 51
THE BEARS THAT BIND US
NATALIE
Friday rolled around, bringing with it a weight I couldn’t shake.
My chest ached, but it wasn’t because of Jason or Will.
It was because of my kids. I was about to shatter their world and the guilt was suffocating.
Every fiber of my being screamed to stop, to take it all back, and to keep pretending.
I told myself I could go through the motions forever if it meant sparing them this pain.
Maybe Jason and I could find our way back.
Passion and connection weren’t everything, were they?
Stability, security, maybe those were enough.
The day dragged on like a slow march to the inevitable. I tried to distract myself by taking the kids to a small children’s zoo in Irvine. They brought a Polaroid camera and used up every last film cartridge, snapping pictures of goats, bunnies, and each other.
“We’re going to make a photo album for Daddy when we see him tonight,” Bebe said excitedly.
Each time they mentioned tonight or Daddy, my throat went dry, and nausea threatened to overtake me.
At one point, I texted Meredith.
Natalie: I can’t do this.
Meredith: You must. You’re strong enough, Nat. It’ll all work out in the long run, even if it feels impossible right now.
I stared at her words, willing myself to believe them.
She texted again,
Meredith: ’ll text you as soon as I’m done with my gig. I’m here if you need anything. No matter what!
Camille also knew about tonight. Between her and Meredith, I had the life preservers I needed to keep me from drowning. But even their support couldn’t dull the dread looming over me.
When we got home, I decided to make spaghetti and meatballs, a family favorite.
The smell of simmering sauce filled the house, wrapping us in a warm, familiar comfort.
It reminded me of the tiny apartment Jason and I shared when I was pregnant with Bebe.
Only one person could fit in the kitchen at a time.
I smiled at the memory of Jason slipping behind me as I stirred the pasta, his hands on my belly, kissing my neck and making me laugh.
We were so happy once, a true, uncomplicated kind of happy.
Was it possible to find that again? Or was it buried beneath the years of the resentment and pain we’d caused each other?
My thoughts drifted to Will. Was it the forbidden nature of our relationship that made it so intoxicating?
Or was it something deeper, a real connection?
With Will, everything felt easy. Conversation flowed, and we connected in a way Jason and I never had.
Jason and I felt like the perfectly frosted top of a beautiful but tasteless cake.
Over time, I’d become his cheerleader, always saying yes, even when it meant losing pieces of myself.
Was that what Jason loved about me? Or was it what his mother loved?
A tear slipped down my cheek as the doorbell rang. The kids ran to greet their dad.
“Come on in,” I called out, wiping my face quickly.
Jason stepped inside, holding a bottle of wine and two gift bags. He handed me the wine with a polite but timid smile.
“Oh,” I said, laughing nervously. “Thanks.”
The kids eyed the gift bags eagerly.
“Are those for us?” James asked.
“Yes,” Jason said, “but you have to wait until after dinner to open them.”
“Aw, man,” James groaned.
“Be polite,” Bebe scolded, shooting her brother a look.
We sat down to eat. The table was unusually quiet for a family dinner. I picked at my plate. My appetite was nonexistent. I could tell Jason noticed but didn’t say anything. After dinner, I busied myself washing the dishes. Jason came into the kitchen and grabbed a towel, silently helping.
“I’ve got this,” I said.
“I should probably learn how to do this,” he replied, ignoring my protest.
I paused, gripping the edge of the counter. The words slipped out before I could stop them. “Do you think we’re doing the right thing?”
Jason exhaled, leaning against the counter.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “But I think we need some time apart. I saw Will looking at you at school, Natalie. That’s a man who’s in love.
I wanted to punch him, but then I realized I was angry at myself, too.
He doesn’t deserve you but I don’t either.
I’ve been taking advantage of you for a long time, long before this all started. ”
I looked him in the eye. “That doesn’t make what I did okay.”
“No,” he said softly, “but we both need to figure ourselves out.”
We finished cleaning up and walked together into the family room. The kids were playing, unaware of what was coming.
“Come here, guys,” Jason said, his voice gentle.
Bebe’s face lit up. “Are we having another baby?”
“No, sweetie,” I said, forcing a smile.
“I wish I had a brother,” James chimed in.
“And I wish I had a sister,” Bebe added.
“There aren’t any babies,” Jason said, his voice steady. “But we do have something important to talk about.”
My heart raced, and I felt like I might be sick. Jason put his hand over mine, grounding me. He pulled out the gift bags and handed one to each of them. Inside the bags were teddy bears, soft and comforting.
“Thanks, Daddy!” Bebe squealed, hugging hers tightly.
“Me too!” James said, cuddling his bear.
“These bears are going to stay with you all the time,” Jason explained. “Sometimes, you’ll stay here with mommy, and sometimes, you’ll be with daddy. But you’ll always be safe. with these bears.”
I watched in awe as Jason handled the moment with care. The kids seemed calm, though I wasn’t sure they fully understood.
“We’re going to live in separate homes for a while,” I added gently. “We just need some time to figure out what’s best for our family.”
Bebe looked between us, her face serious. “Like Ivy’s parents? Are you getting divorced?”
“We don’t know yet,” I said honestly. “We’re just taking it one day at a time.”
“What’s divorce?” James asked, his small brow furrowed.
Bebe’s eyes welled with tears. “Do we get two Christmases?”
Jason and I exchanged a look. “We haven’t figured all that out yet,” I said. “But no matter what, we’ll always be a family.”
“With the bears?” James asked, clutching his tightly.
“Yes, with the bears,” Jason said, his voice warm. “Come here, sweetheart.” He pulled Bebe into his lap as her tears spilled over.
I couldn’t hold back my own tears anymore. James climbed onto my lap, wrapping his little arms around me.
“Group hug!” Jason called, pulling all of us together.
We clung to each other for a long moment, the weight of the conversation settling around us.
“We’ll always be a family,” Jason said softly, brushing a tear from my cheek.
At that moment, I believed him.