43. nick
NICK
YOU FUCKED UP, brO
I woke up to the shrill sound of my phone from the other side of the bedroom. I was slow to move, body aching. Tallulah and I fucked so much last night, we pretzel-ed our way into positions I’d never experienced before.
My cramping muscles were evidence. It was fucking sweet.
Even sweeter than that, I moved aside some of the blankets to check out my girlfriend. My girlfriend—I had a girlfriend, the one I’d wanted for so damn long.
Tallulah was naked, her dark hair spread across her back in swirls, her copper-brown skin shining in the faint sun from the windows. So pretty. She slept past the phone call, her chest rising and falling with every soft breath.
“I love you, sweetheart,” I whispered, pressing my lips to her shoulder.
Rat meowed from our pile of pillows. Probably cat-speak for “answer the fucking phone.” I nodded the affirmative, stumbling across the floor. If Rat was wondering if I’d trip—not today. Not on a perfect morning like this when I had everything I’d ever dreamed of.
I answered the call, wiping the sleep from my eyes. “Huh? Hello?”
There was an audible pause. “Nick?”
“Hey, Fridge.” I yawned. “What’s up?”
“This is Nick Kurosawa,” he said flatly.
“Yeah—”
“Nicholas. Kurosawa.”
“Dude, what’s up?”
“What the fuck are you doing answering Tallulah’s phone?”
I stared ahead at the faint designs in the wooden door. My eyes dropped to the pile of clothes on the ground. The suit jacket, the slacks, Tallulah’s gown, and my phone tucked underneath one of her heels.
Because I had Tallulah’s phone in hand.
And I answered at…my stomach sank when I saw the time. Seven in the morning.
“Meow?” Rat meowed from the bed. Probably cat-speak for “you fucked up, bro.”
I cast one last look at the kitten, and Tallulah still peacefully sleeping, unaware of how badly I’d screwed up. Slipping into the bathroom, I closed the door behind me. “Fridge, it’s not what you think.”
“Not what I think? Not what I think?”
“It’s not—”
“Did—did you sleep with my ex?” he sputtered.
“I love Tallulah,” I told him honestly. “I love her laugh, I love how sweet she is, how kind she is, how gentle she is. How gentle she is with me. I love spending time with her, love being with her. I’m irritated when I’m in traffic and I can’t get to her fast enough—”
“What—what are you talking about? You slept with Tallulah?!”
“I love her.”
“So you slept with my ex-girlfriend and decided you have feelings for her?! How is that better?!”
Suddenly, I realized how Fridge saw it. He thought Tallulah and I had meaningless, irrelevant sex, something that didn’t matter, and I thought about her differently after. That was how everybody would see it. Playboy Nick fucked someone on a whim and discovered he wanted her after all.
I’d never cared what people thought about me. Their opinions never mattered, never meant anything. Until now. Suddenly, I couldn’t stand the thought of people thinking like that. Nothing was by accident, I wanted Tallulah. Being with her wasn’t a mistake, it meant everything.
“No.” I shook my head hard. “I came to Canada for her.”
Something clattered from the other line. Shock clung to his voice. “What?!”
Oh…fuck. I fucked up. I fucked up the fuck-up. My sleep-addled brain couldn’t have ruined things more. I stared at the bathroom door, stomach sinking. I should’ve worded it differently. No, I shouldn’t have said anything at all.
“You…wanted my girlfriend,” Fridge mumbled. “You wanted my girlfriend?”
“I never acted on it,” I said quickly. “Never. I wasn’t alone with her, I was so fucking careful not to be, not to talk to her one on one, or spend time with her—”
“That doesn’t make you a good fucking person, Nick!” Fridge said, anger enunciating every word. “Just because you didn’t act on it doesn’t mean you aren’t a piece of shit—what the fuck?! So you were waiting for my relationship to end?! What the fuck kind of friend are you?!”
It was a direct betrayal, an open wound. I didn’t know how to fix it, how to make it better.
I hesitated. “Fridge, I’m so sorry—”
“You know you and I are done, right? We’re fucking done.”
“I didn’t mean for—”
“Give the phone to Tallulah,” he said, his voice cold.
I raked a hand through my hair, hunkered down in the call. “She’s asleep. I don’t want to wake her. She’s been working long hours on her profile, she never gets enough rest, and—”
“Give the phone to Tallulah!”
I pushed to a standing position, regret in every step. I should’ve been more careful. I should’ve checked whose phone I was answering.
Tallulah looked so comfortable. I didn't want to do it. Rat narrowed her eyes from the pile of pillows, daring me to wake her up at this early hour. I lowered my hand and Rat lunged, springing into action, attacking me with her tiny claws and fangs.
“I don’t want to wake her up either,” I muttered. I had to set Rat on the floor. The kitten was too small, it'd take her a while to climb back up. Gently, I rubbed Tallulah’s back. “Sweetheart? Hey? Baby?”
Slowly, Tallulah shifted awake, eyelashes fluttering. A sleepy smile lifted her lips. “Hm?”
“I’m so sorry.”
Tallulah blinked herself awake, straightening up when she saw the name on the phone. She tried to take the phone from me, but I held on to it for a moment to explain.
“I thought it was mine, I picked up the call, I was really tired, I’m so sorry,” I apologized.
With a sigh, she nodded, and answered the phone. “Hi, Fridge.”
There was about forty-five seconds of talking, exclusively from Fridge’s end.
Tallulah brought her knees up, resting her chin on one, gazing down at the blankets.
He wasn’t yelling at her. There weren't any shouts. It was worse than that. Even if I couldn’t hear his words, the hurt was obvious, the pain in his voice.
“Fridge…” Tallulah ran a hand over her phone.
“I think you want a girlfriend. You want someone to spend time with, attend sci-fi conventions with, go on runs with, and I think that’s great.
You’ll find someone kind and warmhearted and sweet for you.
She’ll give you everything you want. But we both know I’m not that girl. ”
Another muffled reply.
“No, Nick never made a move on me when we were together,” Tallulah said firmly. “Of course not…” Her dark eyes slid to mine, blinking in surprise. “I…wait. Nick, you…?” The question faltered because she clearly knew the answer. “You were celibate because of me.”
“Yeah.” I shoved my hands in my pajama pockets, embarrassed. “Eh, celibacy was easy. I stopped jerking off because of you. That was rough.”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
“I knew I’d say your name and I was living with Fridge and…”
“You stopped jerking off because of me?” Tallulah whispered, stunned. We gazed at each other before she drew in a sudden, high-pitched breath. Her lips parted. Arousal sparked behind her eyes.
As soon as it appeared, it vanished when she suddenly repositioned herself, phone to her ear.
“Um, Fridge, I—” The blush darkened her face. “Oh my god, he hung up.” She tossed the phone towards the blankets, putting her head in her hands. “Fuck, what did I do?”
“It’s all my fault,” I managed. “I’m sorry, Tallulah—”
My phone rang from the ground, piercing sounds ending the apology. I checked to see if it was Fridge calling. It wasn’t. It was Denali, and then Elijah, Montoya’s name bumped them both down, and then Charlie, Arvid, Pickles, Laki—
Everybody from the Gladiators was calling me.
“What the hell?” I said, picking up my phone, as Tallulah’s rang. She moved towards it like a bomb to diffuse.
“Um…it’s Zariah?” she said, confused.
Why was everybody from the team calling? I answered Montoya while Tallulah picked up Zariah’s call and slipped off the bed, phone to her ear.
“Heyyy, Nick,” Montoya said, flustered. His voice was weird, like he was trying to stay quiet to avoid detection.
“What’s going on?” I said. “Why is everyone calling me?”
“So, uh, we’re at Gianna’s, grabbing breakfast, and Fridge got some kind of message from Tallulah’s parents and wanted to call her about it? He knew she was awake, but—uh—you answered.”
I froze. “The whole team is there?”
“Uh, yeah. Everybody heard. I went to the bathroom to call you because everybody’s…uh…”
I pulled my phone away. Names and numbers flashed across my screen, everybody calling me. Fuck. What could I say to them? I turned my ringer off, sitting on the bed. “Uh…”
“Just wanted to call and say congratulations,” Montoya said. I could hear his wince over the phone. “Sorry. I’ve been rooting for you.”
“Did Fridge…?”
“Oh, Fridge is gone.” His tone faltered. “He went back to Roman Villa. I’m sorry that…yeah.”
“It’s all my fault,” I mumbled.
“I’d probably avoid Denali’s calls for a while,” Montoya said, embarrassed. “He cussed you out at the table.”
He wouldn’t be the only one. So many of my teammates would have opinions, this would be a fucking mess. I said the best goodbye I could under the circumstances, mumbling that I needed time alone.
Tallulah was gone. I could hear her on the phone downstairs, her faint voice carrying. Slowly, I laid back on the bed, arms crossed over my chest.
Shame washed over me. I didn’t mean to hurt anybody, especially Fridge, and now Tallulah. She never wanted to be in the spotlight. I put my arms over my head, breathing out. I hurt people and I didn’t know how to fix it. I’d never fixed something before. Especially something like this.
“Meow?” Rat scrambled back on the bed. The black kitten cocked her head at me, meowing loudly.
“Come here, baby,” I whispered.
She hurried over on her tiny paws, and I scooped her up, placing her on my chest. Rat purred, rubbing against my jaw. I scratched her behind her ears, holding her close.
“I fucked up,” I admitted. “I fucked up really bad.”
“Meow?”
“I’ll give Fridge some time…” I kissed Rat’s forehead, stroking her back. “He needs time. Then…I’ll say sorry and it’ll be for real. Like it’ll mean something to him.” I sighed. “We’re going to play together this season, I’ll make it up to Fridge. I don’t know how, but I’ll do it.”