34. Chapter Thirty Four Rhowyn
Chapter Thirty Four: Rhowyn
I felt full. So full from the many emotions coursing through me as I was surrounded by the darkness. A part of me knew I had passed out, all too familiar with this feeling by now. The sweet oblivion that rescued me from the pain that had been inflicted on me.
As if conjured by that thought, I smelled stale cigarettes and beer. Jim entered the darkness, the only thing to invade this peace, always in the back of my mind. His years of torture were eternally with me, no matter how I tried to escape him.
“You didn't think I'd ever forget you, girl, so why would I let you forget me?” he taunted as he lit a cigarette and stumbled into my room. Into my nightmares.
I looked down to find myself back in the closet that was my room, only big enough for two twin beds and a dresser for my hand-me-down clothes. The man the state entrusted to care for me staggered into the room, his breath and clothes reeking of beer and cigarettes .
He sat on my bed and exhaled the smoke into my face as I tried not to react. It only seemed to excite him more when I did. He leered at me in his drunken stupor, the one that meant he needed to inflict pain on me.
He ran a hand up my leg over the blanket, his touch suggestive. I tried not to flinch when he jerked the covers down.
He leaned in and whispered, “You know the drill. You keep quiet, and I won't hurt Nikki.”
I bit my lip and nodded, knowing what was to come. Every day, I lived in fear of this man. But there was no way I'd ever let him touch Nikki. My younger foster sister hadn't been subjected to his leers yet, but I knew that if I were no longer here, he would turn his violence and depravity on her.
“Now, roll over,” he demanded. But it was the excitement in his eyes had me closing mine. That look haunted me to this day. I would never understand how someone could get off on hurting others in this way.
I did as he said as he took a drag off his cigarette, ensuring the cherry was nice and hot. He exhaled the smoke in my face again, knowing the anticipation was just as much torment to me as the pain he inflicted.
His hand dragged along my skin at the hem of my sleep shirt, sending goosebumps along my body. I couldn't stop the shiver that accompanied them, both from fear and the cold.
I had heard once that goosebumps meant a ghost was in the room, but I didn't believe that. The only thing haunting me was this flesh and blood man as he pulled my shirt up.
He was always so careful to keep his abuse confined to areas that others couldn't see, which meant my lower back and thighs. I inhaled deeply and tensed in expectation of the first burn, hoping that he got what he needed sooner rather than later.
As he pressed the tip of the cigarette to my skin, I bit down on my lip until it bled, keeping the cry of pain from waking anyone. Tears ran down my face as I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to hold them back.
I knew that he enjoyed this, seeing my pain, my fear, but I couldn't help my reaction. “That's a good girl. Nice and quiet like,” he cooed in my ear as he took another drag from the cigarette and caressed me, making me feel disgusting.
My skin crawled, and I knew I would be taking a long shower to scrub my skin raw as soon as I could stand it. It usually took a few days for the burns to heal enough to tolerate the water. Until then, I would feel dirty. It was something I had become accustomed to.
My eyes still shut tight, I felt his fingers skim the waistband of the thin shorts I was wearing, dipping below the band before tugging them down. Out of habit, I lifted my hips. If I fought him, it was always so much worse. Better to give him what he needed. By doing so, the torment would end that much sooner.
Tears leaked from my eyes as my backside was exposed to him. The vulnerability this position put me in was done purposefully to ratchet up my terror and weakness. I felt the cool breeze on my skin, and it felt wrong. He was leering at a part of me that was supposed to be a gift, but he was taking it by force. Stealing my innocence along with satiating his own needs.
His large, calloused hand cupped me, a finger sliding along my slit as he dragged his hand away. Leaning over me, he exhaled smoke into my face as he dipped a finger inside of me. I shook, fighting the urge to push him off and run far, far away. Anywhere but here. But if I did that, that would leave Nikki as the only one left in the home. It would mean that he’d steal her innocence too, and I wouldn’t allow that to happen. Only one of us should have to suffer this torment.
He wheezed out a laugh as if he could hear my thoughts and delighted in the fact that I was willingly letting him touch me. In reward, the butt of his cigarette pressed down into the tender skin just under my cheek, along the inside of my thigh.
This time, I did cry out, shaking from pain as I smelled my own flesh sizzling from the hot embers. It shot through my nerve endings, and I jerked away instinctively, but he leaned over my lower back to pin me in place. His hand reached down again, this time more forcefully, spearing his fingers inside of me painfully as I sobbed silently. I wasn’t sure how much more of this I could take. If he continued, if I didn’t find a way to get Nikki and I out of this, he would surely break me. Something I’d never come back from.
“Rhowyn?” I heard Nikki call out to me. My heart raced at the fear that she was about to come in here. I didn't want her here. She needed to run. But I knew how this was going to end.
She always came to me when she had a nightmare, cuddling up in bed with me as I held her and soothed her fears. I tried to protect her in every way I could from the dark world that we lived in. Sadly, she had already been exposed to too much as it was.
The door creaked open as she walked in to find me sprawled on my stomach with Jim leaning over me, the burns evident on my back and thighs, my sex exposed to her view in the dim lighting.
“What are you doing?” Nikki asked angrily of the man who tortured me, indignant on my behalf. She shouldn’t be. After all, I allowed him to do this to me. Let him touch me where no parental figure should. I wasn’t worth her concern because I chose this.
“It's okay, Nikki. Go back to bed. I'm okay,” I pleaded with her. Begging her to just leave before he got any ideas of dragging her into the room and subjecting her to the same pain.
“But he's hurting you, Rhowyn!” she exclaimed as she rushed to me.
“You really should have listened to Rhowyn, Nikki,” he said as he grabbed Nikki's arm in a bruising grip.
She had never been subjected to his torment before, but I could see the moment he decided to include her. His leering gaze traveled her budding teenage body. At fourteen, she was finally coming into her curves, which were no longer hidden by the baggy hand me downs.
In her spaghetti strap shirt and sleep shorts, she was showing him too much skin. He took a drag off his cigarette and exhaled it into her face as she coughed. He laughed at her discomfort.
Fuck. This wouldn't end well . I was frozen in fear as he ran a hand down her face before she slapped at him. “Please don't hurt her. We'll be quiet. Won't we, Nikki!” I begged both of them.
He turned to face me, but I didn’t look at him, too busy pleading with Nikki to be quiet. Instead, she spat at him. He jerked her in anger, and I knew that he was about to fly into one of his rages.
He wiped the spit from his face. “Now why would you do something stupid like that, little girl?” He didn't expect an answer as he backhanded her across the face and let her fall to the ground.
He laughed at her as she cried out. “Please, Jim. She doesn't know any better. Please, she'll be good. She learned her lesson. Just let her go back to bed,” I tried pleading with him again.
I was sitting up now, my shorts and underwear back in place, the burns all but forgotten in my fear of what he'd do to Nikki.
“Oh, I don't think she's learned just what happens to nosy little girls who don't know their place.” He leered at her on the ground, still crying from the slap, a bruise already forming on her face. “But she will before I'm done. And she'll be quiet because if she isn't, then I'll tie her up and make her watch as I hurt you.”
“No. Please,” I begged him. Nikki finally stayed quiet, her fear at the situation finally sinking in and ramping up her survival instincts.
He turned to me and hit me, causing me to fall back in my bed, hitting my head on the frame. “Shut up, girl.”
The next time I woke, he had tied Nikki up and was burning her, worse than he had ever burned me. She was fighting him too much. I put a hand to my head, pulling it away when I felt the wetness there. I stared at my fingertips that were covered in my own blood. No wonder I was woozy, and my vision was blurry. I must have had a concussion.
Nikki's cry pulled me back to the torture he was inflicting on her. My anger and fear clawed at my throat as my pulse picked back up and my head throbbed. I stayed quiet, not wanting him to notice me as I glanced around the room, trying to find a weapon of any kind to make him stop.
My gaze landed on the pocketknife he kept clipped in his front pocket, and I debated whether I could get to it before he stopped me. I decided then that I would do anything to make him stop hurting Nikki. Even if I failed, his anger would be directed at me. I knew I could take whatever he dished out.
I sat up slowly, trying not to draw his attention, my head swimming, and I prayed that I could keep my balance. Nikki's eyes were drawn to me, and I shook my head, indicating she needed to keep quiet and not draw his awareness to me.
He took a swig from the liquor bottle and swayed slightly, a cigarette in his other hand. He didn't drink liquor often, but when he did, I knew it would be worse for me.
Bolstering my courage, knowing I would only have one shot at this, I inhaled a deep breath and exhaled slowly, trying to focus as much as I could .
Finally, I sprang from my bed, rushed to him, and grabbed his pocketknife. He swiped at my hand, but his drunken reflexes made him too slow to stop me. One blessing in disguise.
Nikki cried out as the liquor poured over her burns, having been knocked from his hands during our short struggle.
“You stupid, cunt!” he cursed, more pissed at the spilled liquor than me having his pocketknife. He turned to me as I held the knife out at him and then laughed. “Just what are you gonna do with that, little girl?” he sneered in challenge.
“Get off her,” I demanded, waving the pocketknife.
He stood slowly, swaying slightly as he brought the cigarette back to his mouth for another drag. He exhaled with a laugh. “Put the knife away before you hurt yourself.”
“No. Leave us alone,” I told him, hoping he wouldn't make me follow through on my threat. He stepped closer to me in challenge. “Stop,” I growled as I thrust at him.
He laughed again at me, and I saw the moment he decided to rush me. Fear clogged my throat and made me too slow to react as he barreled toward me.
But then he stumbled on a shoe that must have been knocked into the middle of the floor at some point and fell into me. Right into me and the blade that I held in my hand.
He pulled back, hand going to his side. “You stupid bitch.” His bleeding was worse because of the alcohol, which thinned it and prevented clotting. The blood leaked steadily through his fingers, dripping onto the floor.
He took a drag on his cigarette, still intent on inflicting pain on me. His body numb to his own pain right now, barely registering his wound. He lunged at me again, holding the cigarette like a weapon.
I swiped at the cigarette and knocked it from him before he could burn me again, but he got his other hand on the one holding the knife, twisting my arm until it dropped to the floor .
A light flickered, drawing my attention to where the cigarette had fallen, the smell of something burning reaching my nose shortly after. Jim's pants were on fire. The liquor must have spilled on him, too . Fuck .
He hadn't noticed yet and managed to punch me while I was distracted by the flames slowly creeping up his leg. I fell backward again as he finally started cursing.
He stumbled around as he tried to put out the flame. I got to my knees and scrambled for the knife that I had dropped, clasping my hand around the blade again, needing to get Nikki out of there.
I rushed to where he had tied her up and started to cut at the frayed rope, praying he stayed distracted long enough. My hands shook the entire time, making the process slower . Fuck. I needed to hurry.
I finally released her hands, her crying form crumpling to the floor. I put an arm around her, helping her to her feet. “Come on, Nikki. We need to get out of here,” I pleaded with her.
As I got her to her feet, I turned around to see that Jim had put out the flame and was now facing us both. “You stupid fucking, cunt! I'm going to kill you.”
He rushed me again, and I lashed out at him to protect Nikki. The blade landed in his chest and got stuck, slipping from my fingers as he fell backward.
He gasped for breath, using each one to curse me as I picked Nikki back up and rushed her past him while he was distracted. The gurgling was the last I heard from him. A sound I would never forget. The sound of death. Of a man dying by my hand.
I dragged Nikki outside and called 9-1-1 using the landline. We lived out in the country, and I knew it would be a while before the cops showed up. Nikki was frozen in shock as I set her in the grass near the driveway .
I had just killed a man and knew I couldn't stay here. I ran back inside, back to my room, pausing in the doorway to see Jim's sightless eyes, open and not blinking. His chest didn't move. For a moment, I was frozen at the sight. I did this. I killed him.
Shaking myself from my stupor, I rushed past him, stepping over his still form to grab shoes, clothes, and a little money that I had stashed away in hopes of running away when I had gathered enough. I shoved it all into my backpack before I ran back outside to Nikki. I threw a blanket I had brought with me over her shoulders.
“Nikki. Look at me.” I shook her when she didn't immediately respond to me. When her vacant eyes met mine, I mumbled, “I've got to go. Jim won't ever bother you again, but I can't stay here. You'll be safe now. Blame everything on me.”
Her shock kept her from responding, from registering what I’d said, but I knew she'd remember when it wore off. “I love you, Nikki. You take care. I'll find you again when it's safe,” I promised her.
Her brow furrowed slowly in question as my words started to register. I kissed her brow, being careful not to hug her where she’d been burned. “I love you,” I whispered again as I heard the sirens approaching.
I rushed off into the night, gone before they ever arrived.