Chapter 27 #2
Shame boils within me. I didn’t intend to get so close—it just happened.
Again, just like him taking my hand last night.
But the fact that it keeps happening must mean something.
Perhaps all the unease it brings is simply nerves from my lack of experience?
As wrong as it feels, this pull… it’s getting harder to ignore.
Taran pulls our dinner away from the flames. “I think the meat’s done.” He nearly drops everything, shaking his hand as if he burned himself.
Emlyn takes half and splits it between him and Reid, leaving Taran to divide what remains with me. I try not to cringe as Taran carves through it with his sheep-bone knife, then hands me my share.
The meat’s tougher than our previous meals, which results in my gnawing at it in a very unladylike fashion.
But Reid and Emlyn are still squabbling away, and Taran’s looking everywhere except at me.
A tension stirs within me—I don’t like this.
Maybe I should find a way to talk to him about it before things become too awkward.
That won’t be uncomfortable at all.
To keep my anxiety at bay, I focus my attention on Reid and Emlyn’s spat. What could they possibly be fighting about now?
“You didn’t split the meat evenly, did you?” Reid asks, his cut sagging between his fingers as he eyes Emlyn.
“Huh?”
“The meat. Yours is bigger.”
“How could you possibly know that? You haven’t seen it.”
“I can see it right now, ass,” Reid snaps.
Emlyn looks down at the front of his pants, and Reid flushes bright red, forcing me to hold back a snicker. I’d hate to interrupt Reid being on the receiving end of someone’s teasing for once.
“No! Not—you know I’m talking about the rabbit!”
Emlyn’s eyebrows pop up. “Do I?”
“You do. And you’re avoiding answering, which means you did.” Triumph shines out of Reid’s eyes.
“Not necessarily. I could just find you adorable when you’re flustered.”
I blush on Reid’s behalf, then sneak a glance at Taran.
He’s gone.
Their conversation fades as I peer through the darkness behind me and spot Taran at the edge of the woods.
This could be my chance. Even if this is entirely in my head, confirming that will help me focus on our task. I summon my courage, preparing to follow—
“Ellie, don’t. He probably just has things to take care of.” Firelight flickers on Reid’s surprisingly stern face, but he does know men better than I do, so I reluctantly settle back down. I’ll finish my meal, and if Taran’s still not back, then I’ll go looking for him.
A coil slowly winds within me as the three of us quietly eat our food, their squabble having finally come to an end. When I finish, I wash my hands and face in the frigid creek as best I can, then hurry to the fire to dry off.
Taran still hasn’t returned.
The others seem unbothered. Reid tosses a couple more sticks onto the flames while Emlyn lounges next to him, staring at the blaze.
“Perhaps I should collect some more firewood,” I say.
“We have plenty,” Emlyn replies.
I shrug. “I thought you might appreciate some time with just the two of you.”
Reid goes stiff as a board. Emlyn eyes me for a moment, then laughs, shaking his head. He gets up, pulling his shirt off as he heads to the creek.
My jaw drops. What have I done?
Even in the darkness, Reid’s face couldn’t be any redder if he’d sat out in the sun all day. “What are you doing?” he asks, his gaze tracking Emlyn.
I tear my eyes away from the toned muscles of Emlyn’s arms and chest, then creep to my feet, trying not to make a sound.
“Bathing. It’s been like, four days.” Emlyn pulls his boots off and tugs at the waist of his pants while I pick up my pace toward the woods.
“You don’t have to take all your clothes off!”
“And you don’t have to look.”
I sprint the rest of the way to the trees.
* * *
I regret my choices almost immediately.
As dark as our campsite was, the woods are even worse. A wolf howls in the distance as I slowly slink through the trees, feeling my way around, praying my eyes will adjust soon.
Do fae see better in the dark, too? They must, otherwise I don’t know how Taran could be out here for so long.
“Taran?” I call softly, hoping he’s somewhere nearby. Avoiding each other won’t solve anything. We need to talk.
“Ellie, stop,” a voice says. Reid. I turn around to find him bumbling through the dark toward me.
I cross my arms. “What is it?”
“I’m not stupid, Ellie. I know what you’re doing—it’s obvious how you look at him.”
Reid sees it, too? Heat fills my face, and I’m glad for the dark so he can’t see me blushing. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s been gone for a while. I’m worried.”
“Stay away from him,” Reid says. “We’re here to stop a war, not to get into bed with fae.”
That’s not what I’m trying to do. I only want to talk. To understand.
Right?
The tightness in my core suggests otherwise.
My fingers find the button in my pocket, letting me breathe. Why is this so confusing? And why is he judging me so harshly?
“But you’re seconds away from pouncing all over Emlyn,” I say.
Reid tenses, barely perceptible in the darkness. “That’s… Look—that’s different, alright?”
“How so?”
“Because I’m not—” He balls his fists and lets out a frustrated groan. “It won’t hurt anyone if I fuck him.”
“What about Alexis?”
“That’s not fair, El. If she knew everything we do, she wouldn’t hate him so much. But you—”
“What about me?” I snap, my frustration brewing. This conversation’s gone far beyond what I’d even considered, but I don’t need his condescension. “Who am I hurting?”
“If I could tell you in a way you’d remember, I would. But we’ve tried that. You just have to trust me.”
The bubbling within me simmers to a boil. A lifetime spent blindly following my father’s wishes, now Reid wants me to do that for him, too?
“Stop saying that! I don’t want to just be a tool in someone else’s plan. I want to help. To make my own decisions.”
“I get that,” Reid says, his voice laced with exasperation, “but you don’t have enough information to make good ones!”
“At least they’ll be mine. I can deal with consequences, just like everyone else does.” I turn away, my foot catching on a tree root.
“Ellie, please.” Reid pulls me back, his voice softening as he takes my hands, and I resist the urge to pull them away. “If you could remember everything, you’d want nothing to do with him.”
That doesn’t make any sense. “What could I possibly be forgetting that would make me not want to help Taran? I need to make up for all the incanting I’ve done.” But deeper than that, there’s this itch—that in helping him, I’ll find what’s missing in my heart.
“You can do that without tying yourself to him.” Reid squeezes my hands. “Please. Just wait until we reach the capital. You’ll be able to make a better decision then.”
The pleading in his voice calms the maelstrom within, but this is more than fae charm: this pull doesn’t exist with Emlyn at all. I need to figure out what it is before it overwhelms me.
How can I make Reid see?
I press his fingers between mine. “I understand what you’re telling me, but Taran feels familiar. Safe. With everything falling apart, I just—when he smiles, I feel like it will be alright.”
My breath catches, having finally said the words aloud. That feeling… How can something feel both so right and so wrong at the same time?
“Believe me, Ellie, I understand. I really do. But you need to ignore that. You need to stay away from him. Just until the capital. Please.”
Why does this mean so much to him?
I bite my lip. As conflicted as I am, I won’t have any peace until I sort this out, and that won’t happen without talking to Taran.
“I just… I need answers,” I say.
Reid drops his head. “I’m not gonna convince you, am I?”
I don’t have a response. Not one he wants to hear.
He releases my hands, the cold creeping into my fingers. His voice is heavy when he speaks.
“Fine. Do what you want. Just don’t blame me.”
A weight sinks through me as he returns to camp, leaving me alone in the woods. I don’t know how long I linger, hoping I’ll catch Taran when he returns.
He never does.