Chapter 6 #2
I drifted closer, staring at the frame in his hands. Strange how new it seemed to me now, how blind you became to everyday things. I rarely stopped to look at it, to remember. Everything about that day was embossed in my mind forever.
Throughout my pregnancy, everyone said I’d forget the birth as soon I held my baby, but I hadn’t forgotten anything. The pain, the loneliness, the look of pity as the trainee midwife took a picture because there was no one else… Those kinds of feelings burrowed deep.
I was a roadmap of moments I’d never shake.
“About two months shy of twenty-one,” I told him. “God, look at the state of me. I look like a rabbit caught in headlights.”
He chuckled. “To be fair, I would too, even now, and I’m thirty-one.”
“You don’t want kids?” I cringed. “Sorry, that’s none of my business. Forget I asked.”
“No, it’s alright. I can’t say I’ve ever thought about it.”
“I never thought about it either.”
Jake returned the frame to the mantelpiece. “What about Noah’s dad, if you don’t mind me asking?”
If stomachs sank like stones, mine was a boulder. “He’s not in the picture.”
“His loss.”
All I could do was nod.
“What about your parents? Do they help?”
The question increased the volume on all that ache, like a dial turning in slow increments. That was the thing about grief. The noise of it never went away, not completely, though some days were quieter than others.
“I never really knew my dad, and my mum died before Noah was born.”
“Ellie,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you.”
I didn’t know what else to say. I should’ve asked him something then, shift this awkward conversation to him instead of me, deflect and distract, my go-to method of anxious thinking. But my phone vibrated, and all thoughts except Maggie disappeared.
“Everything okay?” Jake asked.
I raced to read the stream of Lucy’s text messages, sagging in relief as I shot off a quick reply.
“Maggie needs a hip replacement. Sounds like she’ll be out of action for at least six weeks, maybe longer.”
“Shit. I’m sorry. If it helps, my dad had one a couple of years ago and he’s fine. It’s a big surgery, but also routine. She’ll be okay.”
God, I hope so. “I know. I feel responsible though.”
“How?”
“I invited Maggie to join us at the library despite knowing how icy it is outside. The walkway outside this building is a deathtrap whenever it snows and freezes over, and the council does nothing about it. I knew something like this would happen again. Didn’t I say to Bertie? I knew it, I—”
“Hey, hey,” Jake soothed. “It’s okay. Take a breath.”
The weight of his big, warm hand on my shoulder was enough to do what I was told, but the softness behind the sensation was too much, making my eyes sting all over again.
I turned away, swiping a hand across my face, though it was pointless hiding. He’d seen it all now.
“God, this is embarrassing,” I muttered.
“No, it’s human. Happens to the best of us. I cried over spaghetti once.”
A croaky-sounding laugh bubbled out of me. “What?”
“It’s true. I’ve cried over food a lot now that I think about it.”
“Funny, Noah does too.”
“Then we’re in great company, aren’t we?”
I smiled at the sincerity, the way he tilted his head just so. We had a lot to discover about each other still, but inexplicably, Jake already had this unique ability to calm me, to quieten all of my chaos somehow.
What would it be like if he really knew me?
The thought jabbed at all the dormant anxious butterflies like a poker in a dwindling fire, and I dropped to the sofa, clutching the crochet blanket so I had something to do with my hands.
It wasn’t the softest or best for warmth, but my mum made it.
Over the years it had become a comforting reminder, and if I held it to my nose long enough it still smelled like her.
I liked to imagine so anyway.
“What are you thinking about now?” The sofa creaked as Jake sat beside me. “Your brain’s going a mile a minute.”
“A bit of everything,” I admitted. “Maggie and her surgery, how Noah’s gonna react, and what to say when I call in sick tomorrow. I have to prepare before talking on the phone to someone.”
Oh god. Martin was going to murder me.
“Why do you need to call in sick?” Jake asked.
I felt like saying isn’t it obvious? but thought better of it.
“I get free childcare hours for Noah’s nursery, but it doesn’t cover all my shifts so Maggie helps me out.” I sighed, unsurprised by the resignation settling inside me.
Maggie had been my rock these last five years. The first person to hold Noah after he was born, the one who made me feel like I wasn’t making a monumental mess as a mother. They said it takes a village to raise a child, and Maggie was mine. But she was almost seventy. I’d known this day was coming.
“I shouldn’t have depended on her so much, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer, you know? I don’t know what I’m going to do without her.” I groaned into my palms. “I sound so selfish right now. I promise I’m not usually like this. Please ignore me.”
“Never,” Jake said. “And you don’t need to call in sick. I’ll look after Noah.”
I blinked at him, sure I’d misheard. “What?”
“I’ll look after him. I could be his nanny. A Manny, if you will.”
A laugh slipped free. He nearly had me there.
“I’m being serious, Ellie. Let me do this for you.”
My amusement vanished, but the adrenaline surged.
“Why would you do that?”
“Why wouldn’t I do that?”
“Did I hallucinate our conversation this morning?”
“You mean the one where I told you I wasn’t anti-kids?”
“I meant the one where you said you’d never given them a second thought.”
“Okay, yes,” he conceded. “I did say that. But there’s a solution for both of us staring us right in the face.”
“I don’t follow.”
“You need someone to look after Noah on short notice, and I need a temporary place to stay while I look for somewhere to live. It’s a win-win, if you’re willing.”
I couldn’t believe it, but he kind of had a point…
No.
Desperation had me seeing possibilities that weren’t there.
“Have you ever looked after a kid before?” I asked.
“Well, no. But I’m great at looking after myself.”
“But Noah’s four.”
“Exactly. How hard could it be?”
Oh my god.
Annoyance must’ve shown on my face as Jake cringed and rushed to correct himself.
“Wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make light of anything. But I think I could do it, Ellie. At least let me try.”
Am I actually considering this?
Sure, Jake had been great with Noah earlier, but he had no idea about kids, and his blasé attitude underestimated how hard it could be. It didn’t help that Jake was practically a stranger to my son, even if that was my fault.
But it wasn’t like I had any other options. No family or friends to lean on, and I couldn’t afford the cost of full-time childcare. I barely made ends meet now.
Besides that, Jake was a good person and Noah seemed to like him, and wasn’t that the most important thing right now?
“I don’t know, Jake. It’s a big ask.”
“So is letting me stay.”
“I’d let you stay without needing something in return.”
“I know,” he said softly. “You’re a good person. Let me help you.”
Why is he so convincing?
“What about your real job?” I asked. “Won’t this interfere with that?”
“I’m freelance so I’m my own boss. Besides, Noah can be my little photography assistant if necessary. I’ve always wanted one of those.”
I peered at his hopeful face, unsure but considering. There was so much at stake, so much that could go wrong, but I was mostly alone in this world, and here was someone offering to help me. I would be silly not to take advantage of that.
“What about a trial run for a few days?” I suggested. “If you change your mind, no hard feelings.”
“I won’t change my mind.”
“Something tells me you’re gonna regret offering, but okay.” I tossed one hand in the air, hoping to appear nonchalant when my insides felt anything but. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
“That’s the spirit!” Jake gave me a couple of quick, playful pats, and I stared at the spot on my thigh until the tingly heat of his touch faded.
It was incredible how quickly a day could change.