Chapter 19
JAKE
Barring one or two exceptions, there wasn’t a lot in life that shocked me. I’d seen enough over the years and throughout my travels to take most things with a giant grain of salt.
Until—
“Jake, are you my daddy?”
Somewhere along Battersea Park Road, my eyes popped and my heart fell out of my ass, and I had to forcibly remind myself not to clamp down on Noah’s tiny hand because what the fuck?
I wasn’t sure what happened in the immediate aftermath. By the time I came back to the world, people were huffing and tutting, forced to walk around me where I’d stopped dead in the middle of the pavement, his one question making cement out of my shoes.
Noah peered up at me curiously, so quiet and patient and unbelievably Ellie in that moment it almost took my breath away.
“Why, uh…” I coughed a couple of times, all the words I couldn’t say sticky and sludge-like in my throat. “What makes you ask me that, buddy?”
“You pick me up and hold my hand when we walk home.”
“Right.” My nod felt manic, like someone else had control of my neck. “You’re right. I do do that.”
“Daddies do that.”
Fuck, he was right about that too.
“Well, some do. But they might not be daddies. You remember playing with Phoebe last week? Her uncle picks her up from nursery, not her daddy.”
Noah was silent, his brow pinched. “Are you my uncle?”
“No, god no.” The idea of anyone thinking I was related to Ellie filled me with horror, even more so since I’d discovered the sensation of Ellie’s lips against mine, and it wasn’t the kind of sensation you could shake. It latched and burrowed, sunk its teeth in, branding itself deep.
“You don’t have an uncle because your mum doesn’t have a brother,” I carried on. “She’s an only child, like you.”
“Oh.” His attention drifted to the double-decker bus idling at the stop across the road, and he probably had no clue what I was talking about. “Okay.”
“O… okay?”
He nodded, smiling like he hadn’t blown the lid off my brain for a moment there.
It wasn’t like I could blame him either.
He was a child for fuck’s sake. Young and innocent, with no idea about the complexities of family trees.
It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know anything different.
It was natural for him to wonder too. Of course he asked about it.
When I thought about it more deeply, the real surprise was it had taken this long.
For over four months now, I’d been playing and hugging and laughing and acting exactly like a daddy. The realisation of that, the blatant awareness of it, rocked me to my core.
Something cramped in my chest.
Noah seemed okay, swinging my hand back and forth, watching the world go by.
But I didn’t want this to be something he would carry and remember for the rest of his life, shaping how he saw the world and who he became as a person.
He was young, yes, but I had memories from that age.
Bad ones too. I didn’t want him to remember me as something in the negative, because it always seemed to be the negative things which tunnelled deeper than anything else.
For the first time in forever, I almost choked on the emotion crowding my throat.
I spent the rest of the day trying to distract Noah, or maybe it was more about distracting myself. Noah carried on as if nothing had happened, except how could that be?
Jake, are you my daddy?
I felt fundamentally changed.
Rewired somehow.
Now that the weather was warmer, we stopped at a local park and spent half hour on the swings, slides and climbing frames, and another twenty minutes running around chasing each other.
Noah’s laughter lightened the mood as always, although a cloud of dread followed me everywhere. I had to tell Ellie what happened. I still remembered the way she tensed when I’d asked about Noah’s dad a few months back, and I despised making her uncomfortable. But maybe it was necessary now.
By the time Ellie arrived home, showered and changed into comfy clothes, Noah was tucked up in bed, and I warmed our Chinese food delivery and a couple of plates in the microwave while I ran through ten different ways of how to approach the topic of conversation.
“I’m starving.” Ellie waltzed back into the room smelling like citrus. She accepted the warmed plate with a smile, and helped remove all the lids from the cartons of food laid out on the counter. “What’s the occasion?
“Dinner.”
She chuckled at that. “Takeaway will always be a special occasion to me.”
“Why’s that?”
“When I was a kid we only had it on special occasions like birthdays, and even then we couldn’t really afford it. I guess it stayed with me.” Ellie shrugged, then caught sight of the look on my face. “Did I bring down the mood?”
“No, but you reminded me how lucky I’ve been. I’ve taken a lot for granted over the years.”
“I didn’t mean for that.”
“I know, but it’s a good thing to be reminded of, I think. Sometimes we could all use a reality check.” I’d definitely had a giant one this afternoon. “How was work?”
“Same old, same old,” she said, spooning beef chow mein onto her plate. “Martin shouted at me because I gave Bertie some of those leftover cupcakes from the other day. He said I didn’t have a license to sell food on pub premises. Can you believe that?”
“What an asshole. I hate that fucking guy.”
“Me too. One day I’m gonna tell him. I need to build up to it first, but when I do…” She let out a low whistle that made me laugh.
“Can I be there as a witness? I need to see that.”
“You might be waiting a long time.”
“Don’t care. It’ll be worth it.
After catching up over dinner, we stretched out on the sofa and shared the last glass of Ellie’s rosé wine because I’d run out of beer.
The evening passed like it always did whenever it was the two of us, relaxed and chilled out, the kind of easy I’d miss when I moved out, and I got lost in the peace of that, almost forgetting what I needed to do.
“Hey, so, I need to talk to you about something that happened today.”
Ellie shifted upright, sensing the seriousness in my voice.
“Is Noah okay?”
“He’s fine, don’t worry.” I let out a breath and swiped my damp palms down my joggers a couple of times. “After I picked him up from nursery, Noah asked me if I was his daddy.”
Ellie’s eyes widened, and all the colour drained from her face. “Oh.”
“I don’t want you to worry because I think I handled it, mostly.”
“What... What did you say?”
I gave a quick rundown while Ellie slumped and stared off unseeing somewhere behind me, taking it all in.
“Are you okay?”
She jolted when I brushed her hair back and squeezed the bare skin where her neck met her shoulder, probably not expecting my touch, but it was impossible to ignore the urge to comfort her when she looked so lost.
“I’m—I don’t know. But I’m sorry you were the one who had to deal with that. I never wanted to put that on you or anyone else. I’m so sorry, Jake.”
“Hey.” Fucking hell, her broken voice made me ache. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not. This is my fault. I should’ve spoken to Noah about this before now.”
“Do you want to talk to me about it? You don’t have to, but you can.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to.” She stared at her restless hands in her lap. “Or maybe it is. The truth is, I’ve been dreading this. I knew Noah would ask about him one day and I still don’t know what to say.”
“Tell him the truth.”
“It’s not that simple, not for a four-year-old to understand.” Ellie rubbed at her face, her huff of breath agitated. “Remember when I told you I find it hard making friends?”
I nodded slowly, wondering where this was going.
“Well, the same thing applied to boyfriends. I’ve never… That’s never happened for me.”
The idea seemed inconceivable. “Ever?”
She cringed and looked away. “This is embarrassing. I know it shouldn’t be, but it is.”
“It’s not, but do you need me to tell an embarrassing story to even the scale? I’ve got loads. Trust me.”
“No.” She smiled at that. “Although you’re welcome to tell embarrassing stories whenever you like. It’s a long story. Or maybe it’s not? I don’t know.”
“Tell me. We’ve got time. Or we could watch a movie if you’re that uncomfortable.”
“I am, but I don’t want to be. Not with you.
” She stared at me for a full minute trying to make up her mind, and I gave her another encouraging squeeze.
“It probably doesn’t surprise you, but I was a loner at school.
Painfully shy and awkward. And you know I was bullied, which made things worse.
While everyone made friends, I hid alone in the library because it felt easier than the alternative.
You can’t get hurt if no one knows you exist.”
“That’s—” Liquid-fire rage scorched the back of my throat. “I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s dumb. I know it’s dumb. Looking back I get so annoyed at myself because I missed out on so much, and there was no one to blame but myself.”
“But you don’t realise things like that when you’re a teenager,” I told her. “It’s easier with hindsight.”
She nodded, contemplative for a moment. “That’s true, but it still hurts.
It hurts worse now because I used to believe things would change for the better.
It’s something my mum used to say to reassure me.
“It won’t always be like this, Eleanor. You’ll meet your real friends at university, people on your level, don’t worry.
You’ll be friends for life!” It was always this idea that if I got through my awkward teenage years, things would eventually be different.
But that never happened and here I am, exactly the same. ”
“Not exactly.”
Her eyes were shiny in the dim light. “No?”
“You’ve got me.” I eased her fierce grip of the blanket across her legs, and slotted our fingers together. “We’re friends. You can’t get rid of me now. I’m like a bad smell, always hanging around.”
Her laugh was thick and watery, and she sniffled and swiped at her face. “After mum died, I wasn’t in a good place. I didn’t know how to function without her. Everything felt pointless for the longest time, and I was lonely. I was so lonely.”
“I can’t even imagine.”
Ellie gripped me tighter, tracing the veins on the back of my hand. Her touch seemed more absentminded than anything, but I had to focus on what she was saying and not on how good it felt, how right.
“One day it was like a switch went off in my brain, and all that sadness became rage that she’d died so young, and there was so much she’d wanted to do and never had the chance.
It made me realise how much I’d missed out on too, all those typical teenage experiences.
Flirting and friendships, and first kisses and first times. I wanted all of it.”
“And you deserved it, Ellie. Everyone does.”
“I deserved better than what I got for myself. A sloppy first kiss in a club I didn’t like, and a painful first time with a complete stranger who didn’t care about me.
Looking back, I still can’t believe I did those things.
I don’t even like clubbing or drinking, but I forced myself to go because that’s what I thought people my age did, you know?
I was so naive. And it’s hard because I can’t regret my son, but I regret the way things happened.
Do you think both things can coexist like that? ”
“Of course. That’s life, isn’t it?”
“But how do I tell him, Jake? How am I supposed to admit that I don’t know his father?”
“I don’t know, but he’ll understand. When he’s older, he’ll understand, Ellie. Trust me.”
“Maybe. But it doesn’t help me now. I’ve been waiting for the day he asks me. Waiting and dreading.”
“You might not realise it right now, but when the time comes, you’ll know what to do.”
“You think so?”
“Absolutely. All that matters is that kid is loved and cared for. You’ve done amazing. Don’t ever worry about that.”
“Thank you. That means a lot.”
“Thanks for telling me. I like when you tell me stuff. I want to know everything about you.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” I laughed at her disbelief. Her obliviousness to how lovely she was continually blew my mind. “Do you know how many people would kill to have someone like you in their lives?”
“You’re going to make me cry if you’re not careful.”
“Well, we can’t have that. Come here.”
Smiling, she slid closer, letting her head rest on my chest, her arm low on my waist. I squeezed her tight, and it felt right—inevitable—to dust her forehead with a couple of soft kisses, to let her know I was here and I’d heard her, and to me she was absolutely perfect in all the ways a person could be.
I didn’t dare say that out loud, but I hoped she felt it anyway.
The room was quiet, and it struck me, unbidden, how I’d never felt closer to anybody than right now, Ellie’s secrets shared between us and her snuggled by my side.