Chapter 56
“Amazing. A new life, just like that. Jezebel did good.” Anna’s whole body ached, physical exhaustion in every fiber, but as she smoked she felt calmer than she’d been in a long time.
They were sitting on the open cargo bed of Melissa’s pickup while Anna’s scooter charged, the farm lights making the night less oppressive.
They hadn’t talked any more about Lucas or the girls, and Anna was fine with that.
The murders lay heavy enough over the town, and it was good to shuck them off and breathe for a while.
“She did. But man, don’t you find it all weird?”
“Birth?” Anna looked over at her. “You’re a farmer.”
“Not that birth. My own. Knowing I came out of my mom’s vagina.” She smiled, wicked. “Her actual vagina. Gross, huh?”
“Jesus, spoil the moment.” Anna laughed. “I mean, wow.”
“Slid right out of her flaps.” Melissa snorted and Anna shoved her.
“Enough already!” It was gross. But also weird to think that Mom had pushed and strained and probably tore and bled like Jezebel to bring Anna into the world.
She’d probably loved her instantly like the cow had too.
Mom had fed her and wiped her shit and lost sleep for her.
And Grandma had done it to Mom before her.
Maybe that’s why women had such fraught relationships with their mothers.
All that pain and sacrifice and love mashed up together.
The invisible umbilical cord connecting them more closely than any physical one ever had.
Maybe that’s why fathers found it easier to either adore or leave their children.
They hadn’t been part of all that bloody mess.
“You know, my little sister started her period when we were here. She was so upset. It’s hard to imagine that one day she’ll have kids of her own, probably.
Right now, she’s so innocent. I don’t think she’s even kissed a boy yet.
I’m only ten years older than her and I can’t remember how that feels.
Everything being a mystery. All the things she wants.
That she doesn’t understand.” She blew out a stream of smoke.
“I don’t know how to keep her safe from it. ”
“You okay?” Melissa asked.
“No,” she said after a breath. “If I’m honest, I don’t think I am.” Up ahead, the thick field of corn rustled in the night breeze. It was soothing. “I thought there was blood in our basement, but it was just my imagination. I thought maybe Lila and Bonnie were killed there.”
“Wow.” Melissa looked at her. “I get me overthinking it, but you don’t need to.”
“I promised Jamie. I keep seeing him in that pool. And in my dreams. But maybe my brain is fucked. Mom wants me to go back to therapy.”
“Back to?”
“But I had a good moment earlier today,” Anna said softly, ignoring the question and thinking of how she’d screamed into nature and nature let her listen back. “And I think I finally understood it.”
“Understood what?”
“What you love about being out here. The land. The good and bad of it.” She shrugged. “It’s real, you know. And kind of beautiful.” She drew on her cigarette and Melissa hugged her so suddenly and tightly that she coughed out smoke in surprise. “Dude.”
“I knew you’d see it. I knew it.” Her eyes were glistening.
Anna had figured Melissa was so tough she’d never cried a day in her life, and yet this was tipping her into it.
“I’m glad.” She let Anna go and sniffed, wiping her nose on her arm.
“Since we’re sharing, if I’m honest, Lila wasn’t a great friend.
Maybe I shouldn’t say this when it’s the anniversary of her murder tomorrow.
Six years, man. I can’t believe it. But she wasn’t a great friend.
Not to me, anyway. It was an unbalanced dynamic, I guess.
She didn’t get it. She didn’t get me. Or this town.
I couldn’t believe it when she told me their plan to leave.
Totally blindsided me. And then she was gone.
I loved her, but she wasn’t a good friend to me. ”
Anna nodded. She’d figured as much from the yearbook photos.
Lila was at the center of a whole world, and Melissa was only one tiny segment of it.
“I had a couple of best friends before,” Anna said.
“In high school and college. But I haven’t spoken to them in a while.
Things change, right?” She should maybe message them.
But what was there to say? Still don’t remember.
Still fucked-up. Glad all is rosy for you. Selfish. But she was.
“Anyway, you’re a better friend is what I’m trying to say.” Melissa swung her legs like a kid, almost bashful. “I’m glad you moved here. I mean, no one else knocks down drunks quite like you.”
“Except you!” Anna snorted. “Maybe next time we stick to dancing.”
“Hell no. We could start a public service. Plenty of pricks in this town who deserve it.”
Twin lights appeared in the distance, weaving down the dusty road toward them. They slowed momentarily and then continued forward. “That must be the doc,” Melissa said. “Coming to check on Jezebel. Even weirder to think he saw me slide out of my mom’s vagina.”
“Enough of the vaginas!” Anna grimaced. “I should get home anyway. Mom’s pissed at me enough.”
“I’ll tell the doc how great you were. That’ll get back to your grandma, at least. She’ll tell your mom.”
“If she remembers.” They both smiled a little at that, gallows humor, as Anna dropped down from the truck. “Say good night to Jezebel for me.”
The scooter had charged plenty to get her home, and she was so tired she thought she might be able to sleep in the dark tonight.
She kicked away, waving at Dr. Burdett as he came past her.
He looked surprised, but then, even though she’d taken her T-shirt off during the birth, it was still somehow covered in filth and sweat that had seeped through when she’d put it back on.
She didn’t push hard but cruised down the lane slowly, and was glad she did, because when Mr. Laverne stepped out into the lane suddenly, she managed to stop without falling off.
He swayed in the LED brightness of her headlight, and in the beaten-down path through the field she could see where he’d been sitting out by the creepy scarecrow. An empty liquor bottle lay on its side at the base of the post, as if the scarecrow itself had gotten drunk and dropped it.
“Get away from my farm,” he snarled at her, swaying slightly. “And stay away from my daughter.”
“I was helping with the cow.” Her ears started to pulse. It was dark. He was drunk. She was alone.
“I said stay the fuck away.”
Her legs moved despite fear wanting her to freeze and she kicked off again, swerving past him, pushing faster this time.
“You hear me?” he called after her. “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay the fuck away!”
She didn’t look back, letting the night air cool her panic before it really took hold.
Not here. Not now. Not after the joy of Jezebel.
She only slowed when she reached the main road, and even then, not by much.
At least the doc was at the farm with Melissa.
At least she wouldn’t have to deal with her drunk father by herself.
Poor Melissa. Her dad really did have a problem with her having friends.
So much to cope with. For the first time in a long time, she thought someone might have it harder than she did.