Chapter 57
The downstairs lights were on when she got home, tired and stinking of the farm, and found Mom on her knees in the kitchen trying to fit a lock to the under-sink cupboard.
“Oh, come on,” she muttered as a tiny screw fell to the floor and rolled under the stove. Grandma, sitting at the kitchen table, didn’t move or acknowledge Anna’s arrival, but Mom looked up, staring for a long moment.
“What happened to you?” she said eventually.
“It’s like I said. There was a problem with a cow. I had to help it give birth.” It sounded so matter-of-fact as she spoke that if she hadn’t been covered in mucus and cow shit, Mom would have presumed she was lying.
“Of course you did.” She turned back to the cupboard as if nothing Anna did surprised her anymore.
“What happened here?”
“Your grandmother made us both coffee, and thankfully I came in as she was about to add bleach instead of milk.”
“Wow.” Still, Grandma didn’t react.
“Yes, wow. So now it’s nearly eleven and when all I want to do is sleep for the rest of my life, I’m trying to fix a lock to the cupboard, and if I don’t get it done, I won’t be able to relax because she could do anything while she’s like this.
” She blew hair out of her face, frustrated.
Anna stood there for a long moment before deciding it was worth risking stating the obvious.
“I mean … you could just move the bleach,” Anna said. “Maybe?”
There was a long pause, and then Mom sat back on her heels and sighed.
She half laughed and then sighed again. “Yes. Yes, I suppose I could.” She pulled the various cleaning products out, putting them up on the countertop.
“Why didn’t I think of that?” She was moving fast, slamming the bottles down hard, frustrated, angry, upset, exhausted.
“Hey.” Anna took one from her. “Hey, I’ve got it.
Chill.” She crouched, carefully removing the rest and then putting them high up on the shelves Grandma couldn’t reach alongside the abandoned sleeping pills.
“I’m sorry I went out,” she said. “It really was an emergency. I’m sorry. For all of it. Really.”
“Yeah. You always are, Anna.”
Grandma finally turned toward them, her worried eyes on Anna. “Can you take me to bed, Anna?” She looked across to Mom. “The nurse won’t help me. I think we have to ask them to send another one.”
Mom flinched, a stab of pain. Abandonment. Umbilical tears. Umbilical tears. “You do it if she wants you. I’ll finish here.”
“Okay, Grandma. Let’s go.” Anna took Grandma’s arm, helping her out of the chair. Mom’s face softened into something between envy and hurt.
“She’s better with you anyway. At least she knows who you are when she’s like this.”
“She knows who you are, Mom. She knew you were a nurse. She knows you look after people.” They took a few steps toward the door, Grandma shuffling as if she couldn’t remember how to use her legs. Anna glanced back at her own mother. “Will you try to see Lucas again?”
Mom kept her eyes on her task, rearranging the shelves. “I don’t think he’d want anything to do with us, do you?”
She looked small, younger, despite the aging tiredness in her face, and it frightened Anna. It was like she was vanishing. Mom could be a bitch, but she was tough. Mom couldn’t break.
“I’m sorry I’m such a fuckup.”
Mom paused, gave her a sad half smile, and shrugged. “Me too, Anna. Me too.”