Chapter 12
twelve
SASHA
Steph eyes me when I walk into Claire’s room a couple of minutes later, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t completely terrified.
It’s not that I think they’ll hurt me or anything, but I am entering unfamiliar territory. I’ve never really had female friends, let alone two of them.
She’s not eyeing me like she doesn’t want me here, no, it’s more like she’s trying to figure me out.
And that’s the last thing I want.
My secrets are mine, and no matter how badly I want someone to confide in, I know that today is not the day for that. She would eat me alive if she found out I could have stopped Nathan that night, she would kill me just for being associated with him.
So I keep my mouth shut and stand in the doorway like a complete weirdo, waiting for one of them to make the first move.
“Are you and Davis together or not?” Steph asks, brow arched.
Claire slaps her on the shoulder, “Steph!”
The short blonde with a fiery personality doesn’t even try to act embarrassed, instead, she stands her ground. “You guys look at each other the way Claire and Lucas did just before they started dating, it’s kinda gross actually.”
I hang my head, allowing my hair to fall in front of my face to hide how hot it’s burning right now. “We’re just friends,” I offer weakly, “he doesn’t feel that way about me.”
“Bullshit,” Steph laughs.
My eyes snap up to meet hers, and Claire hides her face in her palms while muttering something about her best friend having a big fat mouth.
“That boy is so in love with you, it’s ridiculous.”
Being friends with these people is really not good for my heart. I think one of these days it’s gonna explode in my chest.
I stay frozen in the doorway, wanting her to continue, but simultaneously wanting her to stop. It doesn’t feel right talking about his feelings when he isn’t here, but at the same time, I want nothing more than to know how he truly feels about me.
“Watching you guys do this stupid friendship dance is painful, I mean, the boy is crazy about you… he calls you Pixie for fucks sake.” Steph’s face contorts in disgust, “no one in their right mind would say that if they weren’t completely head over heels.”
“I think it’s cute,” Claire interjects before turning to me, “it’s a cute nickname, Sasha.”
Steph gags, “your stupid boy-toy calls you pretty girl, you don’t get a say in this conversation.”
They both stare at one another, a silent battle over god knows what.
I’m fucking lost.
“Um, I’m still here,” I say, feeling the need to remind them.
Claire gives Steph one last look before finally turning back to me. “Steph likes to pretend like she hates them all, but she’s protective, she doesn’t want to see any of them get hurt.”
“I would never hurt Johnny,” I say, startled.
Claire claps her hands. “Alright then, now that that’s settled, let’s watch a movie.”
“Not so fast.” Steph rips the remote out of her hands, “I still want to know what’s going on between those two, and why they haven’t put the rest of us out of our misery and just get together already. They’re worse than you and Lucas.”
This girl is like a dog with a bone. I have a really bad feeling that I’m not getting out of this conversation.
Sighing, I walk over to where they’re sitting on Claire’s bed and flop down on my back. “I’m not lying when I say we’re just friends, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t want it to be more.”
“I knew it!” Steph cackles.
Claire shoves her, “stop acting like you didn’t already know.”
That piques my interest, “what do you mean already know?”
Steph waves me off, “she’s the centre of information in this house. The fact that you thought Lucas wouldn’t tell her about your little conversation is hilarious.”
I look to Claire, who smiles sheepishly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to get involved, but this one,” she points to Steph, “likes to do just that.”
Steph flops down on her stomach next to me, holding her head up with her hands and kicking her feet like a schoolgirl. “Tell me everything.”
“You don’t have to,” Claire offers.
“Yes, she does. She’s one of us now.”
Hearing her say that forces tears to my eyes. I try to hold them back, but the traitorous things have a plan of their own.
After being alone for so long, not knowing what it’s like to have friends that truly care about you, I can’t help but be emotional.
They’re pushy, and nosy, and get involved in situations that they shouldn’t… but I guess that’s part of the reason why I want them in my life. They do it because they love one another.
I don’t want to accept this olive branch being shoved in my hand, it’s scary. If I allow myself to open up, I’m risking getting hurt. I’m risking having everything torn away from me again.
But I’m so sick and tired of being alone.
I want to have conversations with friends about boys.
I want to have conversations with friends about the things that hurt me.
I want to have people to rely on.
Fuck, I want these people in my life more than I want to breathe.
The tears fall down my cheek as I finally crack in half.
“I’m so scared, Johnny is the first person to make me feel alive in a very long time,” I tell them.
“He is so kind, and allows me to be myself. Everything about him throws me through a loop, but I can’t bring myself to tell him how I really feel, it’s like if I do, then the perfect picture I have painted in my head will disappear.
What if he doesn’t like me back? What if I lose the only thing good in my life? ”
“What if he loves you like you love him?” Claire asks.
Steph’s eyes brighten a bit, “sometimes the risk is worth it.”
“I don’t deserve him,” I swallow the lump in my throat for this next part. “I don’t deserve any of you.”
Both of them look at me confused, completely unaware of the internal war I’ve been fighting since the very first day Johnny brought me into this house.
They’re going to hate you.
“Sasha,” Claire grabs my hand, “you deserve the good stuff just as much as anyone else.”
Steph places a hand on my cheek, wiping away a tear. “She’s right, we may have just met you, but you’re stuck with us now. You can tell us anything, I promise it’ll be okay.”
It won’t be okay, I’ll lose everything I never knew I needed.
“You guys don’t even know me.” I try to blow out a breath but it comes out strangled and choppy.
“Then let us get to know you.” Claire’s blue eyes are brighter than I’ve ever seen them.
But it’s never that easy. Too many secrets are held tight to my chest, and the moment I reach out to grab onto something I want, they may come tumbling out.
“I’m sorry,” I rush out.
“Why would you be sorry?” Claire asks.
I shrug, “because you shouldn’t be this nice to me.”
She should know. If she’s going to be friends with me, then she should know what I did.
“I could have stopped him that night —should have stopped him.”
“What are you talking about?” Steph asks.
Claire sits up, tears brimming her eyes. “Nathan Thomas.”
Steph snaps her head towards her best friend before looking back to me, “you were there?”
Nodding my head, I sit up as well, pulling my legs into my chest. “We’d been best friends since we were kids, I loved him like a brother.
I knew something was off when he wanted to go to a Livler party, but I didn’t say anything.
He was very persuasive when he wanted to be, and I didn’t want to be alone. ”
My stomach feels like it’s in knots.
Three months ago
“C’mon, Sash, it’ll be fun,” Nathan grins.
I pull my jacket tighter around my torso, “this is the complete opposite of fun for me.”
When he asked me to come to a party with him, I tried to say no, but when my best friend has his sights set on something, nothing can stop him.
It took all of two seconds for me to cave, and even though I want nothing more than to hide in my room the rest of the night, the look on his face when I said yes is worth it.
Besides, coming to a Livler party means I might run into Johnny —not that I’d be bold enough to talk to him. Seeing him is enough to make me forget about my problems for a little while, it dulls the ache inside my chest and seals the cracks of the ice I feel like I’m standing on.
“Just promise me you’ll try to have fun? You need to get out of the house and get your mind off things.”
I catch the sob creeping up my throat, forcing it back down to where it came from. I don’t need to get my mind off things, I need my brother back.
He doesn’t give me a chance to respond though, instead, he grabs my hand and yanks me through the front door without a second thought and throws me into my worst nightmare.
This place is filled with people who have no idea who I am, people who won’t spare me a second glance or remember me tomorrow no matter how hard I try to get their attention. Here, I’m completely invisible.
“Take a breath, Sash,” Nathan soothes me. “We’ll only stay for a little bit, then we can go home and watch whatever cheesy movie you want.”
He’s right, I’m being ridiculous. One night of partying won’t kill me, and I’m sure J would want me to keep living even when things get hard.
I’ll try. For him.
Nathan rubs soft circles on the palm of my hand as he guides me through the crowd, easing my anxiety and reassuring me that he’s by my side.
Nathan has never let me down before, so there’s no reason to believe he’ll start now. But that feeling in the pit of my stomach won’t go away, like something bad is going to happen. Like he’s going to do something that he won’t be able to charm his way out of or tease me into forgiving him for.
I try my hardest to have fun, but it’s hard when the only person you know is searching the room for someone else. He’s spent the last twenty minutes scanning the crowd for someone, and the second his eyes lock in, I catch myself looking in the same direction.
It doesn’t take long to realize who he’s staring at. It’s almost impossible not to notice Claire, especially when she’s surrounded by a group of beautiful hockey players.
Right then, I realize the real reason why he wanted to come tonight. He didn’t want to make me feel better, he isn’t trying to pull me out of my grief… he came for a girl.
If he was here for me, he would have spent the whole night focused solely on me, not ignoring me and brushing off every little thing I say.
My heart sinks into my stomach, and I feel the weight on my shoulders double. It’s so crippling, I have to stop myself from physically falling to the ground.
I knew there was something off about this. Who in their right mind would want to go to a party at their rival school?
“She’s why you wanted to come tonight, isn’t she?” I ask him, needing the verbal confirmation.
He barely takes his eyes away from her long enough to answer, “I came here for you, she’s just a bonus.”
I nod my head, but know in my heart that he’s lying.
And we don’t lie to each other… ever.
He tries to pretend like he’s not completely consumed by her, like we’re having a good time, but we both know that isn’t true.
He keeps looking over his shoulder, checking to see if she’s still where he last saw her.
He keeps bringing up how beautiful she is, ignoring the tears starting to brim my eyes.
My best friend, the person who knows me best in this world, doesn’t even notice how painful this all is for me.
Everyone here is living their lives exactly like Jurian used to. He would be at a party just like this one if it weren’t for me.
And instead of leaving like any normal person would, I torture myself by watching Claire and wondering what could possibly be so amazing, that my best friend seems to forget I exist.
I can’t help but compare myself to her. How bright her smile is, how her hair lies in perfect soft curls, how everyone seems to be drawn to her like a moth to a flame.
Then there’s me. Dull, worn out, tired.
She has everything, and I fucking hate her for it.
Claire stands up with Lucas, and the second they enter the kitchen, Nathan’s whole demeanour changes. He completely deflates, turning to me like I’m the second-place prize.
“Wanna dance?” He asks, shrugging.
“I want to go home,” I bite out, all my anger rising to the surface.
I should never have come, I shouldn’t have let him convince me to come. This whole idea was stupid, and instead of making me feel better, all it’s done is make me feel worse.
Nathan Thomas has somehow managed to piss me off, which is a hard thing to do when you’re someone who lets everyone walk all over you.
I’m not stupid, I know what I’m like. I’m so desperate for love and attention that I’d rather allow myself to get hurt than hurt someone else.
It’s fucked up, but it’s who I am.
Lucas comes storming out from the kitchen just then, blowing right past us and shoving his way to the couch where his friends are sitting.
He looks confused.
I wonder what that’s all about.
Nathan pokes his head around the corner and then looks back at me, my stomach sinking as I see the look in his eyes. He’s going to choose her over me.
“I really like her, Sash, please. I promise we’ll go home, just give me a minute to talk to her.”
I look over his shoulder and make eye contact with Claire. The girl looks like she’s two seconds away from a complete meltdown, but I can’t find it in myself to care.
There is nothing that could make me care about her right now.
“Stay as long as you’d like,” I tell him. “I’m going home.”
“I’m so stupid,” I mutter.
Claire grabs my arm, “you aren’t stupid for trusting someone you loved. He lied to you, that’s on him.”
“You shouldn’t be comforting me right now,” I tell her, voice shaking.
Steph rests her head on my shoulder, “yes, we should be. It isn’t your fault, Sash, you had no way of knowing what he was going to do.”
“Have you been thinking you’re at fault this whole time?” Claire asks me. “Have you been carrying this weight all by yourself?”
If only she knew how much I’ve been carrying these last few months. “I had no one to talk to.”
She shakes her head, giving Steph a look before they both crush me in a hug. “You have us now.”
“And we aren’t letting you go for anything,” Steph adds.