Chapter 16
sixteen
SASHA
It’s been a while since I got a letter, and while my secret admirer —or whatever they are— was gone, I didn’t miss it as much as I thought I would.
They gave me something to hold on to while I was fighting to keep my head above the water, but as soon as Johnny and the others came storming into my life, I had something else to use as a life raft.
But when I found a letter sticking out the side of my bag after class today, I held it tight. My fingers couldn’t have been pried off the thing even if I was dead. The words hit a spot in my heart I thought was lost forever, and when I read it… that part started to beat again.
The world is still spinning, and I think it’s because it still has you.
How could words on a piece of paper change intricate parts of your soul? Change who you are at the core of your being and shake the ground you stand on?
How could this person see me in a way I didn’t know was possible?
When I got home, I stuffed it under my pillow, along with all the others, keeping them close so when I need them —and I will need them— I can re-read them and remember that somewhere out there, someone knows exactly what I’m going through.
They can see through the invisible bubble that seems to surround me.
But the feelings these letters force to the surface are nothing like how Johnny makes me feel. He brings out the best in me, makes me feel alive, and forces a smile to my face no matter how bad a day I’m having.
“What are you doing, Chickie?” My dad asks, walking into my room with two cups of coffee in hand.
I stuff the letter under my pillow, “nothing.” He quirks a brow, knowing all too well what it looks like when I lie.
I could never really lie to him, at least not with my words, and he figured out pretty quickly that when I stay silent, it means I’m trying to hide what I did.
“Fine,” I relent, “I was reading a letter.”
He takes a seat next to me on my bed as I lift my pillow, taking in the sight of the many letters I’ve kept to myself these past few months. I offer him the most recent one, allowing him to read it… but only this one.
He hands me one of the mugs before taking it, his eyes scan over the words a couple of times, “this looks like a love letter to me.”
“Not a love letter,” I tell him, “just someone who understands me, and knows what I need when I need it.”
He smiles, “it’s a love letter.”
Rolling my eyes, I take a sip of the coffee he brought me, and relish in the feel of how normal this all is. A couple weeks ago I would have been terrified to sit in a room alone with my dad, but now I look forward to the time we spend together.
He’s been making more of an effort lately, asking me about my day and trying to get me out of the house with him. He even invited me to dinner with him and mom, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of getting in the car, so I declined.
They’re both aware of my feelings towards driving, and while they’re trying to give me space to sort it out on my own, they’re also pushing me to overcome my fears.
But it’s not that easy.
I used to love driving everywhere, blasting music with the windows down and letting the wind whip through my long hair. Jurian and I used to take drives around the city just for fun, with nowhere particular in mind, and enjoy the moment.
But even if I wasn’t afraid of the rolling death traps, I don’t know if I’d want to drive without my favourite co-pilot.
The memories that I have of my brother are holding me hostage in my own head, but I’m not sure I want to break free of them.
“How are things going with that boy of yours?” He asks, settling further into my bed.
I shrug, “they’re… okay.”
“Hm,” he hums, “I take it neither of you has stepped up to admit your feelings then?”
“Nope.”
“What’s stopping you?” His tone is soft, treading the topic carefully.
Everything.
“I’ve finally found a group of people that like me, not Jurian, not Nathan, not the world that they were constantly surrounded by. Me.” I take another sip of coffee, gripping the mug as tight as I can to stop my hands from shaking. “What if things don’t go well and I lose it all?”
My dad sets his mug on the table next to my bed and pulls me into his side, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and holding me close. I can hear his heart beating in his chest, the sound giving me a sense of comfort I didn’t know I missed until now.
I may be an almost twenty-two-year-old woman, but I will always be a little kid at heart when it comes to him.
“I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you again. Don’t let fear choose when it should be your heart. What if you make the leap and everything turns out better than it was before?”
“What if it’s worse?”
“Then you know these people weren’t worth it in the first place. If any of them truly care about you, they’ll stick around no matter what.”
I told Johnny the same thing a couple of days ago, and it really sucks having your own advice being spoon-fed back to you.
“Thirty seconds of bravery, Chicklet. Thirty seconds is all you need.”
My lungs burn as I come to a stop at the familiar house, my hand shaking as I knock on the door, my father’s words ringing in my head. I can do this.
Seconds pass, my heartbeat thundering in my chest, until someone finally comes to the door. But it’s not Johnny.
August stares down at me, a confused look on his face, “what are you doing here?”
“Is Johnny home?” I pant.
“Uh, no. He left for the game a half hour ago, wanted to talk to Coach before we started.”
Shit, that’s right, he has a game tonight.
Before he can say anything else, I book it back down the street. Too worried about catching him before I lose my nerve to do this to care about the fact that I might collapse from a lack of oxygen.
Everyone looks at me like I’m crazy as I push through the front doors of the arena, but I can’t find it in me to care.
I turn down the hall where the coach’s office is, and run straight into someone.
My feet come out from under me, and I land on the ground with a loud thud. Pain shoots up my back, tears well in my eyes, and I have to bite back a scream.
“Shit, are you okay, Pixie?”
I look up, finding Johnny crouching down next to me with concern lining those perfect green eyes.
He reaches out a hand to help me up, and I take it, the nerves starting to fire in my body at a faster rate.
Just do it Sash.
“What are you doing here?”
My skin feels like it’s on fire, my stomach is in knots, and I think my heart is about to explode out of my chest. I’m so fucking scared right now, but there’s also this sense of excitement about what might happen.
“I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen.
Whatever happens, however you react to what I’m about to do…
it’s okay. If you tell me to go away and you never want to see me again, I’ll be hurt, but I’ll be proud of myself for finally doing something that I want to do. ”
“What are you-“
He doesn’t get to finish his sentence, I cut him off by leaning in and pressing my lips against his.
His lips are soft, full, and warm. They’re filled with a promise of something, but of what, I don’t know. It’ll either be heartbreak or love. I don’t know which I’m more afraid of.
My arms wrap around the back of his neck, holding him to me. It feels so right, like everything I’ve dreamed it would be.
These past few weeks of pretending like I’m not in love with him feel like a complete and utter waste. Why didn’t I do this sooner? Why did I let fear dictate my life when so much good could come from putting myself out there?
I pull away, close my eyes tight, then turn on my heel. I’m too afraid to see what the look on his face is, and every step I take away from him makes my heart sink further and further. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t do anything, he just lets me walk away.
A tear streaks down my cheek as I turn the corner, knowing that this is probably the last time Johnny Davis and I are going to be friends. I can’t go back to that, so strangers will have to do.
Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.