Chapter 31
thirty-one
DAVIS
The soft beeping of the monitor next to me breaks up the heavy silence in the room. They took me to get a head CT, and it confirmed that I have a minor concussion.
I’m lucky that I didn’t break any bones, or have worse injuries, considering how bad my car looked.
Sasha sits on the chair beside my bed, changed into fresh clothes that Blair dropped off for her. Her hair is damp from the rain, and her eyes look tired, but she came here anyway.
I can’t believe she drove.
“Did you go out because you were trying to hurt yourself?” She asks, tilting her head to the side.
There’s no way around this conversation, no way around telling her the truth. I can’t lie to her, I don’t want to lie to her.
“No. I was in my head about what’s happening between us, and I didn’t know what to do,” I tell her. “I needed to get out of the house, I needed to clear my head and figure out how to fix this mess I created.”
My whole body aches, from both the injuries and the pain I’ve felt since I walked out of her house that day.
It was dumb to go out into that storm, but I didn’t know what else to do. I needed to figure out a plan, and staring at my ceiling wasn’t working.
She releases a pained breath, “I don’t know what I would have done if you-“
Died.
She doesn’t know what she would do if I died.
Her eyes close. “It’s my fault you went out there, I’m the reason why you were driving in that storm, and you wouldn’t have been out there if I had just heard you out in the first place.”
“You can’t blame yourself, you’re hurting too, this whole thing has been impossible to figure out. You’re doing what’s best for you.”
She re-opens her eyes, looking at me in a way I don’t know how to describe.
This whole thing is so messed up, but she’s here. She showed up for me when she didn’t have to, and that makes me think there’s a chance.
There’s a fucking chance for us.
She might take me back, but I know there’s still a battle ahead of us. I still have so much to explain, and all I can hope is that she understands.
“I don’t know what I want, but I do know that I want to hear you out,” she whispers.
There’s a knock on the door, and a nurse comes in. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but we’re going to keep him overnight. We want to monitor his concussion. You can pick him up tomorrow morning.”
I grab Sasha’s hand, “can we talk tomorrow?”
She nods, “I’ll be here first thing.”
The nurse watches Sasha leave before turning towards me with a smile, “your girlfriend is very pretty.”
I stare at the empty doorway, wondering if my honesty will be enough to get her back.
She’s not my girlfriend, but I want her to be. I want Sasha to be my forever, to be the woman who I get to call mine for the rest of my life.
I can’t force her to forgive me, but I can try my best to show her every day that it’ll be worth it to give me another chance.
We’re made for one another.
My fingers dumb against my leg, I can’t help but watch Sasha as she drives, completely in awe of how much has changed in the last two months.
She’s gone from being petrified of the thought of getting into a car, to driving one.
She needed to rip off the band-aid, and as much as I wish it wasn’t because I got into a stupid accident and scared the living shit out of her, I’m happy she’s conquering her fears.
“Turn left here,” I tell her, pointing to the small gravel path between the trees.
She turns the wheel, “where the hell are you taking me?”
“You’ll see.”
This lake is special, it’s where my friends and I come when we need to think, where we come to escape from the outside world and not have to worry about anything for a little while.
It’s where I was heading last night.
The April sun shines on the water when we pull up, and Sasha’s jaw drops at the sight of the little oasis.
“What is this place?”
I smile, getting out of the car and waiting for her to follow. When she steps out, I guide her to a spot on the grass next to the water, trying to figure out how I’m going to explain everything to her.
I can’t fuck this up.
It’s my only shot.
“We found this place accidentally a couple of years ago, the guys and I have been coming ever since. It might not be a secret, other people might come here too, but we’re always the only ones any time we come, so we pretend like it’s just ours.
” I lean back on my hands, allowing the sun to hit my face, feeling the breeze, the calm after the storm.
“Do you come here a lot?” She asks, watching me.
“Not really, we used to, but lately we’ve been so busy…” I lead off.
I wish we came here more, but with school and hockey, it’s almost impossible to find time anymore.
It’s the unfortunate reality of growing up. Responsibilities and commitments become a priority, and the things we love to do get put on the back burner.
I live with my friends, but sometimes it feels like we don’t get to actually hang out as much as I want. We only have a couple of weeks left before we’re gone, and that doesn’t feel like nearly enough time.
We sit in silence for a while, admiring the view, neither one of us quite ready to have the conversation we know needs to happen.
No matter what the end result is, we’ll have closure.
I just want to move on from all of this, preferably by her side.
“Claire told me it was okay to tell you the whole truth,” I finally say. “She doesn’t want to be the reason why we can’t work things out, and for her to be okay with me telling you… well, it means she cares more than you think.”
“What happened that night, Johnny?” She asks, voice cracking. “Are you in love with her?”
Now or never.
“Claire saved my life, it’s that simple. I owe her everything because without her, I wouldn’t be here with you.” Why the hell am I shaking right now? “So yes, I love her, but I’m not in love with her.”
Sasha drags a hand down her face, “are you sure there’s a difference?”
I nod. “It’s the same way I love the guys, I would do anything for them, I would climb mountains for them, but it’s nothing compared to how I feel about you.”
The type of love I feel for Sasha is something I can’t quite put into words. I don’t even fully understand it myself. All I know is that it feels like my heart stops beating when she’s not around, and that the second she shows up, I feel more alive than I have in my entire life.
It’s not the type of love you feel for just anyone, it’s the type of love that you only get to experience once in your lifetime.
How the hell was I going to just let that go?
“That night, she found me. She pushed me out of the way of an oncoming car, and I told her about my depression. She was the first one to know, and in return, she gave me a secret of her own. She tried to kill herself when she was in high school, so when I went running out of your house that day? It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be there for you, it’s because the girl who made sure I made it to tomorrow was hurting, she needed me too. ”
I can’t imagine my life without either of them.
Sasha was in pain, Claire was in pain. The two of them were pulling me in two different directions, and I needed to make a choice.
Claire, I could help, Sasha… I felt so fucking helpless. I didn’t know how to help her, I didn’t know what to say or do to make it better.
“It was the anniversary of her suicide attempt, and I was one of the only people who knew about it.”
“I- I don’t feel like I’m a priority to anyone,” she whispers, “so when you chose her over me —when I needed you most— I felt like you didn’t care.”
All I can do is stare at her. How could she possibly think I didn’t care? Sure, I walked out, but of course I care about her.
Her bag is open beside her, the notes I’ve been leaving her barely poking out, so I reach in and grab them. “I cared about you before you ever spoke to me, Sasha Price. I cared before I knew you’d ever love me like I love you.”
Sasha’s face drops, “all those notes… they were from you?”
I grab her face, kissing the tip of her nose before resting my forehead on hers, “I saw how much you were struggling, you needed a hand to reach out to you and give you a lifeline. I needed that lifeline to be me. I needed to be part of your life, even if you didn’t know it was me.”
“Why? Why not tell me when we started seeing each other?”
“I didn’t tell you it was me because I wanted you to believe every single word I wrote down.
If you knew, that silly little brain of yours could convince you I was just doing it to make you feel better.
It’s called love, Pixie, doing things even when you know you won’t get the credit.
” My lungs feel like they’re going to burst, I feel like I can’t get enough air, but I have to keep going.
“They weren’t just because you mattered to me, I genuinely wanted you to know you weren’t alone, that there was someone out there who cared about you. ”
Sasha stands, gripping her hair at the roots and pacing around the grass. “So this entire time, I was walking around like an idiot, telling you all these things after you’d been watching me for months? I thought you had no idea who I was, fuck I feel like such an idiot right now.”
“Calm down.” I scramble to my knees and try to grab her hand. “Sasha, it’s okay, it’s all okay.”
“No!” She snaps. “I- I can’t believe this entire time I thought you had no idea who I was, I’ve been so hopelessly in love with you for years, and you just saw me as this girl who was falling apart.”
Oh my god, she’s spiralling.
How do I fix this?
“You’re my light switch!” I yell, frustrated and scared.
A startled laugh escapes her lips, “what?”
I sigh, unsure of how to explain it to her without sounding crazy.
“It’s like- fuck. When the light switch is off, I feel nothing but emptiness, like the world is crushing my lungs and there’s no escape…
but when it’s on, I let everything roll off my back, I’m untouchable, I’m happy.
You keep the light switch on, you make everything else fade away.
You make me feel like I can breathe for the first time in years. ”
“Do you mean that?” She asks.
I don’t answer, I’m scared to tell her I do, and then watch her walk away anyway.
“Do. You. Mean. That?” She repeats, punctuating every word.
I stare into her eyes. “Yes. You aren’t just some girl who I watched fall apart after her brother died. I’ve spent the last four years loving you too. All I’ve wanted was for you to love me back, and then I finally got you, and I went and fucked it all up.”
She runs up to me, wrapping her arms around my neck and holding me tight. It takes me a second, but I wrap my arms around her waist and let myself enjoy this moment.
“I love you, Johnny, but I’m scared you’re going to hurt me again.”
“I’m never going to make another mistake like that. I need you, Pixie, I can’t lose you.”
She pushes me back, placing both hands on my chest before gripping my shirt and pulling me in for a kiss. Her lips are soft against mine, and I realize just then how much I missed having her around.
I missed having her close, smelling her shampoo and feeling her hands on me.
There’s two more heartbeats before she pulls away, breathing heavily. She looks up at me, her grey eyes boring into mine with a type of heat I’ve never seen in her before. “Don’t make me regret giving you another shot.”
I chuckle, “you know… if I hadn’t gotten into that stupid ass car accident, we were gonna do this big musical number where I sing to you in the arena.”
Sasha smirks, “it totally would have worked.”
“Can you tell Lucas that? He said I was copying him, can you believe it? Mine was going to be way better.”