Epilogue
SASHA
“Mom! If you don’t hurry up, we’re going to be late!” I yell from the front entryway.
My dad grabs the keys off the counter, but I take them out of his hands and toss them in the air, catching them with a huge grin on my face. “I’m driving today.”
He smiles back, “I feel like we should finally get you a new car, you keep stealing mine.”
I’m finally back to where I was before the accident, not quite the same, but close enough. I’ve been changed, for better and worse, by the experiences I’ve lived this last year.
My dad may act irritated, but I know he’s happy that I’m finally moving past everything that happened with Jurian. It took a while, but I’m not afraid anymore, and I’m finally happy.
I have people who care for me, who love me more than anything, and for right now… that’s all I need.
Mom comes running down the hall, “sorry, sorry. I’m coming, but aren’t we still waiting for Johnny?”
“He’s just down the street, he said he’d be here soon” I tell her, adjusting my cap in the mirror.
My mom steps behind me, helping me with a tender look in her eyes. “I can’t believe my baby girl is graduating.”
“She’s a grown woman, Rebecca, let the girl do that herself,” my father scolds, reaching to pull my mother away.
But I stop him, grabbing her instead, “wait. I want you to help me.” My mom’s eyes start to water, “I need my mom to help me one last time.”
There’s boxes all over my room, my entire childhood packed away, waiting to be shipped off to my new apartment in Colorado.
My new apartment with Johnny.
“I’m always going to be here to help you,” she cries, pulling me into a tight hug, “I’m always going to be your mom, and you’re always going to be my baby girl.
” She holds me there for a while, then pushes me back and smooths my gown down my arms. “I know we’re in a rush but I left a little something on your desk.
I’d really like it if you opened it now. ”
“Mom.”
“Please, my love,” she begs.
I look to my dad, and he nods. “We have enough time.”
“Okay fine,” I say, walking towards my room, “but tell Johnny to come in when he gets here.”
When I walk through the doorway, my eyes land on a letter sitting right where my mother said she left it, but it’s not like the letters I’ve been getting for seven months, it’s in an envelope with my name on it.
I recognize the handwriting.
Jurian.
Shaking, I pick it up and trace my fingers over my name.
I don’t understand, how the hell did he...
Did he write this before he died?
Opening it slowly, I feel tears starting to form. All the grief and pain I’ve felt these last months crash into me all at once.
I feel like I’m being ripped apart.
My brother wrote me a letter before he died, and left it here for me to read, probably thinking he’d be by my side while I opened it.
I try reading the words written in his messy scrawl, but I can’t see through the tears. Heavy sobs wrack through me, and by the time I’m gasping for breath, I feel Johnny wrap his arms around me.
“Pixie, are you okay?”
“It’s from J,” I gasp. “H- he left this for me, I can’t even read it, I can’t see.”
“Do you want me to read it for you?” He offers.
Do I?
I don’t even know if I want to read this, not because I don’t want to read whatever’s in this letter, but because it feels like the last piece of my brother.
Sure, I have his iPod, and I use it all the time, but this is the last part of my brother from before the accident. Everything else is tainted with the after.
I don’t want this to feel like a goodbye, but it does.
I’m saying goodbye to my parents, to my childhood home, to the place where I grew up, and now it feels like I’m saying goodbye to my brother.
There’s a world out there where he never died, where he and I are getting ready together to go to our graduations. But that’s not my world.
“Read it,” I tell him.
To my dearest sister,
Today is the day we graduate. It’s the day we’ve been waiting for, and even though I can’t be there to watch you cross that stage, and you can’t be there to see me, I’m still proud of you.
This feeling that fills my chest isn’t because you’ve finally finished college, it’s because you’ve overcome every obstacle the world has thrown at you.
The world has no idea what you’ve done to get here, no one has watched you struggle as much as I, but you’ve made it anyway.
You fought for this, live in this moment, and enjoy every second of it.
You always say you feel invisible, but I don’t think it’s because you are. I think you are so reluctant to let people in, to show people that you matter, that you let yourself fade into the background. Stop fading, you’re meant to shine.
Remember that you are important, remember you are loved, and even if no one in that crowd cheers for you, know that I am. You are an amazingly creative and wonderful person, Sasha Price… don’t let a single human being on this earth convince you otherwise.
You are going to do amazing things in life, and I can’t wait to be the first person to play one of the many games you’re cooking up in that head of yours. I know it’s going to be sick.
See you at dinner tonight!
~ Jurian.
I’m inconsolable by the time Johnny is finished reading, a sobbing mess in his arms.
How the hell am I supposed to go to my stupid graduation after reading that?
He’s supposed to be here, he’s supposed to be graduating today too. Jurian is supposed to be walking across that stage, he’s supposed to be getting contracts to the NHL, he’s supposed to be living his best life.
“Sasha,” Johnny says, holding my head tight to his chest, “it’s going to be okay.”
“I know, but it doesn’t feel like it.”
My dad holds a camera up, the flash going off over and over again, while I stand in front of the university sign with my degree in hand.
“Okay, now I want some of everyone together,” he tells me, motioning to my friends to get in.
Everyone runs into the frame.
August puts Steph on his shoulders, Lucas and Blair hold a stretched out Claire in their arms, Miller sits on top of the sign with the biggest smile on his face, and Johnny walks up to my side, putting his arm around me.
“Say cheese,” my dad yells.
The flash goes off, and my heart sinks.
This is really it. We’re all moving on from Livler.
I didn’t get nearly enough time with all of them. There are so many things we didn’t get to do, so many places I still want to see with them, so much time that we don’t have.
“This one’s a keeper.” My dad smiles, turning the camera so we can see the picture on the little screen.
We all look so happy, like little kids with the whole world at our disposal. You’d never know just how hard we all had to fight to get here.
“It’s weird to think my brother will never get a picture in his cap and gown,” I tell my friends.
Johnny pulls me closer to his chest, “but think about how proud he’d be right now.”
He would be proud.
My brother always wanted me to put myself out there, to force people to see me… but I didn’t have to force these people to see me, they just did.
My whole life, I’ve been looking for people who would love me, and I finally found them.
I finally found someone who loves me despite my flaws, who wants to be with me.
To be loved is to be seen, and god, Johnny sees the deepest parts of me. The parts I didn’t even know were there.
“Okay, are we doing this or what?” Steph asks, “I’m dying to find out where everyone’s going.”
The guys chuckle.
They all agreed they’d keep it a secret until graduation day, we wanted as much time together as possible without the knowledge of just how far we’re going to be split up weighing down on us.
“Me first,” Miller grins. “I’m staying here.”
We all look confused for a second, at least until Claire speaks up. “Holy shit, you’re playing with Chris?”
Lucas gapes, “you lucky fucker.”
Miller nods, “yup, and I’m on a five-year contract, so I’ll be staying here for a long time. Not to mention, it’s right in the middle of the country, so I’ll be close to all of you no matter where you end up.”
Steph rolls her eyes, “you don’t have to brag.”
August elbows her, “you’re going to love Florida, don’t try to pretend like it’s the worst thing in the world.”
“Congrats, man,” Blair shoves him. “You’re going to dominate next year with that kind of team.”
“Too bad even the best coaches can’t fix what’s wrong with you,” Johnny jokes.
August smiles, “where’d you get drafted? I hope it’s as far away from me as possible.”
He sounds like he’s serious, but I know he’s going to miss him. The two of them get on each other’s nerves, but they love each other. That will never change.
“Colorado. Sasha’s coming with.” Johnny smirks, “watch out guys, cause we’re coming for the cup.”
“Fat chance,” Steph teases. “Not with my man on the ice.”
Lucas and Blair stare at each other for a second, then turn to the rest of the group. “We kind of already told each other,” Lucas admits.
“It was mostly an accident,” Blair adds.
Claire elbows both of them, “if by accident you mean ran to each other the second you found out, then yeah… totally an accident.”
“You know?” I ask her.
“Of course I know,” she raises a brow. “Lucas can’t lie to me to save his life.”
Part of me doesn’t want to hear where they’re going, cause it means that it’s real. We’re really going to be living on opposite sides of the country soon.
“I’m going to Chicago,” Blair tells us.
“And I’m going to Vancouver,” Lucas beams.
There it is. We’re all leaving. We’re all going to very different places, places where we won’t be able to see one another whenever the hell we want.
I’m not going to get to see Claire and Steph every day, and I’m not going to get to go on drives with Lucas anymore.
This really sucks.
We all pull each other into a big hug, holding tight, and barely concealing the ugly tears starting to form in all of our eyes.
“Promise to text all the time,” I tell them.
“It’s not going to be the same without you guys,” Claire sniffles.
I look to my left, making direct eye contact with Lucas. He smiles softly at me, “we’re not letting go, we’re just saying see you later.”
“Yeah,” Miller agrees, tears streaming down his face. “We’ll see each other all the time.”
On my right, August starts to bawl like a big baby. “I hate you fuckers, why’d you have to be so persistent. I didn’t even want to be your friend in the first place.”
I snort, but follow his lead and start ugly crying.
“I love you guys,” Steph laughs through her tears.
“Any chance someone has a tissue hidden in their gown?” Blair asks. “I didn’t think I’d get this emotional.”
My mom comes running over, a box of tissues in hand. “I figured someone would lose it, but my bets were on Sasha’s dad.”
Thank you, Livler University.
You gave me a group of people I don’t want to say goodbye to, and those are the best kinds of goodbyes.