Chapter Twenty-One
D elia should have remained calm and convinced Gabriel to resume their friendship.
Instead, she had given in to her craving for him.
In her defense, he was impossible to resist. His very first touch had set her alight.
Afterward panic had taken hold of her, and she’d run away while he’d slept.
Not her finest hour, but if she stayed, she would give him the power to annihilate her.
She had to protect her heart. Because their romance was an illusion, and it would never work between them.
He needed someone healthy, whole, and uncomplicated.
Someone who trusted in love without a second thought.
Things were going to improve. The ever-present thoughts of Gabriel would dissipate. She would learn to endure the dull ache of longing she woke up with every day because his warm body would never again rest beside hers.
By tacit agreement, neither had contacted the other since the night of the charity ball.
She sensed he was hurt beyond what she had ever imagined possible.
His icy silence was testament to that. Her high hopes for rescuing their friendship were dashed, and there was deep, debilitating pain in that loss.
Things between them had shattered to pieces because they hadn’t been able to agree on a definition for that feeling of warmth and connection, trust, joy, and erotic compatibility. It was a crying shame, and cry she did, often.
She banished the gloomy thoughts from her mind and made her way into the kitchen. Her plans for the day were simple: breakfast then off to work. If she focused her mind on more productive matters, she’d get through it.
The postcard on her fridge door brought a smile. Sandra had sent her a view of Munich with the majestic panorama of the Alps in the background. At least Sandra was having fun. Delia missed her. The daily grind in the lab was drab without her.
Maybe Delia should visit her during semester break when she was temporarily rid of her teaching responsibilities. It’d be enjoyable to stroll through a new city with an old friend. She was curious about the research Sandra was doing at the institute.
They’d been in contact via email but had both been too busy to arrange for a proper video call. Once Sandra was settled, Delia would suggest going over. She’d book a room in a hotel; she didn’t want to encroach on Sandra’s private space.
Christmas break would be good. Bavaria’s Christmas markets were legendary, and why not be a proper tourist for once? Come to think of it, she hadn’t been out of the country in ages, not counting trips to conferences.
She opened the fridge and nearly gagged at the odor. There wasn’t any rotten food in there since she’d only cleaned it the other day. She slammed the door shut, walked to the kitchen window, and opened it wide, breathing deeply. Was she sick, or what was happening?
A glass of water would have to do. She’d have a late breakfast in the canteen once she finished her first lecture of the day.
When the students filed out of the lecture theatre, Delia followed the command of her rumbling stomach toward the canteen. But even before she reached the entrance, the aroma of fried garlic made her hurry in the opposite direction.
She purchased a packet of salt and vinegar crisps from the kiosk and devoured it. Mid-crunch, she froze. Holy hell, this can’t be possible. Statistically the chances were slim and yet...
How ironic that the one time she and Gabriel had slept together without the intent of conceiving a child should have resulted in a pregnancy. Neither of them had thought of using protection. They’d been careless, but she couldn’t bring herself to regret it.
She dropped the crisp packet into the next bin then hurried to the campus pharmacy.
~ * ~
D elia appeared in front of Gabriel’s door like a mirage, two months after she had left him without a word of goodbye. He swallowed back a bitter greeting and composed his facial expression into one that hopefully reflected calm politeness.
“Hi, Delia.” He sounded cold, even to his ears.
She exuded a nervous energy laced with some contrasting emotion—happiness? “So sorry to come by unannounced, but I was afraid you wouldn’t see me, and I have to tell you this in person. Gabriel, I’m pregnant. We’re going to be parents.”
Intense joy ambushed him and swept him to her. “Oh, Delia.”
He embraced her but drew away again before the feel of her in his arms and the scent of her hair ensnared him once more. Because he was tired of banging against the walls of her fortress. No more futile hope.
He stepped back to the threshold of the gatehouse and turned his head at approaching footsteps. Vanessa rushed to his side, and he took her hand to anchor him before he could be drawn into Delia’s magnetic field.
He glanced at the woman to his left. “This is Vanessa, my former fiancée. We’ve reconciled.”
He sensed Delia’s shock almost bodily and suppressed a brief, violent flush of vindication. She hadn’t wanted him then, and he was certain she didn’t want him now, but the news affected her, nevertheless.
She stared at him, gulped, and put her palm on her chest as if she needed to hold her heart inside its cavity. “I wish you all the love in the world,” she whispered. “You deserve it, Gabriel.”
Good God, this woman—everything she did, every gesture and word went under his skin. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, she was gone.
Vanessa let go of his hand and grabbed his upper arm instead. “Let’s get inside. It’s freezing.”
He followed her in a daze, rubbing his hand over his heart. Delia was pregnant. That one night, that one unplanned encounter, had done it. What were the odds? But he wasn’t the only one in shock. Vanessa’s feelings must be in uproar as well.
He lengthened his stride to catch up with her. Together, they returned to the living room where they’d been watching a movie. He snatched the remote from the coffee table and switched the television off.
Raking his fingers through his hair, he paced the room, trying to get a handle on his warring emotions. Vanessa sat on the sofa, straight and still, regarding him warily.
He stopped his pacing and sat beside her. “I understand if this changes everything for you. I’m going to be a father, and I want to be an involved co-parent. I’ll be with the child every other weekend, and during the week whenever possible.”
She exhaled slowly. “I never expected you to have put your life on hold during our separation. A lot can happen in two years, and you becoming a parent won’t... It won’t change anything. There are thousands of patchwork families across the country, we’ll just be one more.”
He took her hand but remained silent. Vanessa’s acceptance should come as a relief, but his mind was still reeling. Two months of agony and now this— Instead of severing his ties with Delia completely, he was tethered to her for life.
Vanessa left shortly after Delia’s announcement, probably sensing that he needed to be alone.
It was true. Only in solitude would he be able to acquaint his mind and heart with the new reality and make sense of the whirl of emotions that tore through him.
The bursts of wild joy whenever he thought of Delia’s pregnancy and the hurt of having lost her, alternated in torturing him.
He had to control himself and contain the chaos of his feelings. Vanessa was waiting for him to recover, to open up to her once more. Pining for what might have been was futile, given the circumstances.
He put on his coat and went out to the park, Renoir at his side.
The ground was dry and hard under his feet, and the trees poked their dark, bare branches into to the leaden sky.
In a few weeks, buds would be forming on trees and shrubs.
Snowdrops and crocuses would promise another spring.
But now, the park was still in the fierce grip of winter.
He wanted to be a father and have a family, but maybe with Delia, he’d been aiming too high. Yearning for a commitment phobic genius scientist wasn’t exactly a recipe for happiness.
So far, he hadn’t slept with Vanessa after their reunion of a kind. He’d kissed her, but it had been hollow, performative, and lifeless. He was a cold and empty grate, not an ember left in him to ignite. Things would improve over time, become easier, more mellow.
He’d loved Vanessa once; he could do so again.
Also, he desperately needed to come up with a credible story for Brady-Greene.
Something vague enough to neither put any blame on Delia, nor paint him as a heartless cheater.
He had to warn her before he did though, because once Brady-Greene knew of their separation, Professor Winter would probably hear about it too.
It was an awful predicament to put her in, but at least she had tenure and was no longer at the mercy of John Winter’s whims.
But how would Gabriel tell her? He couldn’t ring her.
Her voice alone would eviscerate him. An email or text message was too transient somehow.
A letter? He’d put it all in a letter. It had a finality to it.
A closing chapter to their mad and passionate story that would document the start of their sober and committed co-parenting.
The course was clear but the obstacles near unsurmountable.
Meeting Delia week after week once their baby was born would make it hard for him to finally get over her.
He’d ring Evelyn in the morning. She’d counselled him through the grief of losing his mother ten years ago and would be able to help him now.
He only hoped her waiting list wasn’t too long.
But first he’d write that letter, then he’d take down Delia’s portrait.
He’d been avoiding that part of the house whenever he could because every glimpse he caught of that painting was like a stab wound to his heart.
~ * ~
A heaviness settled on Delia’s chest like a cast iron plate. There’d been a glow of joy on Gabriel’s face, a mere flicker before he’d withdrawn. The temptation to hold onto him had been overpowering, but then she’d met Vanessa.
Delia had fled to her car and reversed out of the driveway of the gatehouse, unable to look back and face Gabriel and the willowy, blonde woman with the pretty face and kind eyes. Vanessa would make him happy. She seemed like a steady, healthy type of person who would easily manage it.
At home, Delia wrapped herself in the blue mohair blanket and settled on the sofa.
Tears threatened to overwhelm her, but she suppressed them as best she could.
Her mind had always accepted it as given that one day Gabriel would find someone to love and settle down with.
Her body, having witnessed the fact, was appalled at the very idea.
She was winded, speechless, and raw. The tugging pain at the center of her chest was as fierce as it was unexpected. Why was she so upset? Why did the feeling of loss nearly stifle her?
A fact emerged, as facts were wont to eventually. She could have been the woman Gabriel gave his heart to; he had asked her to be. Instead, she’d shown him the door, frightened by her depth of feeling and terrified of losing control. She bitterly regretted it now that it was too late.
But she was going to be a mother and needed to find a way through this. She grabbed her phone and messaged Gabriel.
Sorry I sprung this on you, I should have called you first. I’m sure you and your partner want your own children, and I understand if you don’t want to be involved as co-parent anymore.
A mere breath later an answering message pinged into her phone.
Please let me know when you have the first scan. I want to be there.
A sob rose in her throat, and she had to take a couple of deep breaths before she was able to send her reply. Yes, I will.