Chapter Thirty-Two
Sue
I’d had the presence of mind to grab my purse before I stormed out of the restaurant, so I was able to call an Uber.
As it drove off, I stole a glance back to the entrance.
In a tiny corner of my mind I hoped Cam would follow me.
Obviously, he hadn’t. I’d left him with a mess on his hands.
I would be lucky if he ever talked to me again.
I shouldn’t have done that to him. He, of all people, didn’t deserve it. Neither did my father, or Helen, or Becky. I couldn’t forget the hurt look on Cam’s face when I’d snapped and told everyone the truth. He was probably embarrassed to within an inch of his life, and with good reason.
But I couldn’t have stopped myself. I had been a ticking bomb for years, and tonight was the climax.
Had it been a bad time to stand up for myself and grow a spine?
Oh yeah. Did I regret it? No. I couldn’t.
It was now or never. Standing up to my mother was the most liberating feeling I’d ever had.
I just wished I’d done it before things had gone so far, before hurting people I loved and respected.
I reached for my phone to type a message to Cam. I started and stopped several times, typing apologies and explanations, even love declarations where I confessed I loved him for real. In the end I deleted them all and settled on three words: PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
By the time I got back to my apartment, tears ran down my face. Tonight’s emotional showdown had drained me completely. But it was done. Now, I had to live with the consequences.
I replaced my shoes and fancy dress with a pair of old leggings and an oversize Rangers shirt. The food I’d had settled like lead in my stomach, so I made a cup of tea. I wasn’t hungry, even though I’d eaten very little under my mother’s watchful eye. I just wanted chocolate.
I curled up on the couch, sipping my tea and opening one of the many boxes of chocolates Cam had brought me. From time to time I glanced at my phone. There was only one person I was interested in right now, and he hadn’t replied to my text or tried to call me. I didn’t blame him.
I don’t know how long I sat in silence, shoving chocolate after chocolate in my mouth, not even turning the lights on as the windows grew dark and night fell over the city.
My heart jumped when a knock came at my door. I swallowed hard, convinced it was Cam. I was nervous to face him, but I was so happy and grateful he was here.
When I opened the door, my tentative smile vanished. It wasn’t Cam. It was my mother.
She seemed as composed as ever, although as I looked closer I noticed she was very pale and her makeup was gone. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and her hair was disheveled, as though she had raked her hands through it a lot.
“Hello, Susanne.” Her voice was strangely soft.
I cleared my throat. “Hello, Mother.”
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
I opened the door wider and flicked on the light switches.
“You forgot this.” She handed me my coat, which I hadn’t noticed on her arm.
“Thank you.”
I set the coat aside, and gestured toward the living area. For once, she didn’t comment on the mess, the cup of tea with no coaster, the half-eaten box of chocolates. Thank God Cam had gotten rid of the sex swing, or this scene would have been even more awkward.
My mom also carried a brown paper bag. As she saw me look at it inquisitively, the ghost of a smile touched her lips.
“I brought some cannoli.” She handed me the paper bag, her gesture an unspoken truce.
“Uh, thanks.” I took the bag, but didn’t open it. “Do you want to sit down?”
“If that’s okay.”
“Sure.” I looked around, as though seeing my apartment for the first time. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“A glass of water, please.”
I brought her a glass of water, and then we both sat stiffly on the sofa next to the window. My gaze wandered to the front steps of my building, hoping I’d catch a glimpse of Cam when he came home.
My mother thanked me for the water and took a sip before placing the glass on the coffee table.
“I like your apartment,” she said, gazing around. “It’s very cozy.”
I couldn’t think of anything to say but “Yeah.” She’d only been here once before. She never seemed to take an interest in my life outside of Warwick.
My mom looked at her hands, clasped tightly in her lap. Her lips were pressed together, as she struggled for words.
“Susanne, I came here to say I’m sorry.”
I blinked, fighting an urge to check my ears. Had I heard her right? Elaine Morelli did not apologize. She explained. She rationalized. But she did not apologize.
I made an effort to keep my voice neutral. “For what, exactly?”
She blew out a breath. “For what I said at dinner. For what I’ve said for years. For making you feel like you weren’t enough.”
My throat tightened. I had longed for so long to hear her say these things, to acknowledge them. Now that it was happening I didn’t know how to react, or how to feel.
“I didn’t mean it the way it came out,” she continued. “But that doesn’t matter, does it? I hurt you. I made you feel small, like you weren’t worthy unless you had a husband or a perfect life wrapped up in a bow.”
I swallowed hard, forcing my tone not to tremble. “What changed?”
She exhaled slowly, turning her head to look at me. Her blue eyes shone with pride and tears.
“You did. You left that restaurant with your head held high, and I realized that for the first time in your life, you weren’t looking for my approval.
” She shook her head in wonder. “That moment terrified me. It made me so proud. And it made me hate myself because I realized I failed you in a way I never wanted to.”
I moistened my lips. I thought I would enjoy this self-flagellation, but I wasn’t feeling too triumphant.
“Mom… You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“No, I’m not. I was too hard on you, honey. I thought I was protecting you, I justified it to myself in a million ways, but the truth is… I was selfish.”
I couldn’t deny that.
My mom inhaled deeply.
“You’re my only daughter, Susanne. I never wanted you to leave my side.
I never wanted you to leave Warwick. That’s why I pushed you so hard to marry Neil.
Even after you left, I kept hoping you would come back and that things would be the same.
I disregarded what you wanted, what you needed.
” She moistened her lips. “They say when you love someone you should let them go. I love you with all my heart, sweetheart, but I held on too tightly, and I realize that now.”
Well, it looked like this was the moment of all truths. Hearing her say all that filled me with a cocktail of emotions. There was the fury I’d felt for years, but there was also compassion, because I’d never known how my mother felt about me. And love—so much love.
It was time I contributed to this revelation with another piece of the puzzle.
“Neil cheated on me, Mom. I didn’t want to tell you because it was humiliating. You were the perfect wife, the perfect woman, and because my man cheated on me, I felt it was my fault, that I’d failed somehow.”
Tears shone in her eyes and slid down her cheeks. “Oh, honey… How could you think that for a second? My God, this is all my fault. I failed as a parent. I should have given you confidence, not crushed the little you had all these years. I can never make up for the things I took from you.”
I fought back tears, watching her shatter in front of me. I had never seen my mother so vulnerable, so broken, and in so much pain as she buried her face in her hands and wept. It made me feel awful that I was causing her that pain, even though some of it had been warranted.
I squeezed her shoulder hard. “Mom, please don’t feel like that.
You were a good mother, and the fact that you were so strict helped me become a stubborn, ambitious woman.
I owe you that, and a lot more. I know you never meant to hurt me.
I should have grown that backbone a long time ago.
As tempting as it is, I can’t blame you for everything that’s wrong with me,” I joked.
She gave me a watery smile. “You have the right to do it. I’m sorry I never told you how proud I am of the woman you’ve become.”
A rosy warmth spread up into my cheeks. “Thanks.”
Her eyes were steady on mine. “I mean it. You are the best of me and of your father, and a lot more that is solely you. You’re beautiful inside and out. Strong, fiercely independent, and smart as a whip.”
I couldn’t hide the smile, nor contain the overflowing tears. I had been waiting all of my life to hear those things.
Mom didn’t stop there. “You’re loyal, and kind, and forgiving. You have a heart of gold.”
I scoffed, swallowing tears. “Neil would disagree.”
Her eyes narrowed. “I don’t give a crap about that two-timing, dickless, spineless excuse of a man. Verme traditore!”
I was shocked. “Mom, you never curse.”
“Well, that scumbag deserves it. The way he sucked up to me all these years makes me nauseous. Cameron told us about Neil cheating on you.”
“He did?”
“Yes. When we all started to put two and two together, I don’t know who was more furious.
I wanted to go hunt Neil down and hang him by the testicles in the men’s room; your father and Paul kept talking about their shotguns; I think Cam was the scariest though.
He was calm on the surface, but I can tell a dangerous man when I see one. That man seriously wants to hurt Neil.”
I smiled faintly. “Cam hates cheaters. He was the victim of one, too. Remember Brittany Howard?”
She scrunched up her forehead, thinking for a few moments. “That little floozy who made out with every boy in Warwick, including your brother?”
“Yep. She was Cam’s fiancée. Left him for his rich best friend—back when Cam was poor.”
Mom wrinkled her nose. “I never liked that girl. Now, she must be eating her heart out that she left Cam.”
“You have no idea. She’s the reason why Cam accepted to fake a relationship with me.”