Chapter 34
Caspian
Lee is in the shower when I wake, the soft patter of water tempting me to join him. It’s a struggle to abstain, heading for the bathroom in the hall instead. But I’m trying my best to let Lee set the pace between us. To not push too far too fast.
A smile settles on my face as I brush my teeth and get ready for my day. It’s the weekend, which means I have Lee all to myself.
I beat him back to the bedroom, the water shutting off as I’m standing in front of the dresser, contemplating clothing options. The door to the en suite opens a minute later, and Lee steps through, wrapped in a towel, his steps faltering when he sees me standing in only my briefs and a t-shirt.
My pulse skitters, my eyes drifting down his torso and the light smattering of hair that trails even lower.
The subtle scars on his chest. The broad shoulders and tapered, yet soft, waist. He doesn’t move, and neither do I, rooted to the floor when, in days past, I would have pulled on my pants and left him to his privacy .
I can’t move away from him now. Don’t want to.
Lee must see the desperate invitation in my eyes because he steps closer. The heat from his shower practically rolls off his skin, flushing my own.
“Morning.” His voice is gruff and sleep-hoarse. Tinged, maybe, with something else.
“Morning.”
His gaze rakes over me, possibilities I recognize swirling in his eyes, and stars above , if he keeps looking at me like that, my willpower will be gone.
“Lee…”
“In this future you see. In the past… What is it that calls you?”
My breathing, already short, hitches. Because we’re dangerously close to a truth I can’t unspeak.
But Lee draws me in, his palm warm on my neck as he angles my head to the side, kissing just below my ear and then further down toward my shoulder. My resolve wavers, his lips pressing cracks into my already trembling facade.
“Caspian.” His voice is a murmur, his skin warm beneath my palms. Warm and real. “I haven’t run yet.”
No, he hasn’t. And he won’t.
“You,” I tell him. “Every time, always, I see you.”
His breath catches, but his lips never leave my skin.
They travel up my neck, even as they tremble.
Those lips journey to my mouth, asking permission freely given, parting and greeting and feeling as if they never want to say goodbye.
His tongue flicks against my lip, and I answer in kind, every piece of me ready and joyously shouting for whatever it is he wants.
Because it will always be what I want, too .
I would be his friend, his confidant, his loyal supporter. I would wait for him, bleed for him as I know he would do for me. I would love him with every one of my last breaths.
There is not a world, not a lifetime, in which I am not his. Utterly and singularly.
Lee pants out a breath as the kiss deepens, his exhalation mixed with a groan I haven’t yet heard from the man.
His towel is close to falling, and I grab the ends, using my grip on it to tug him with me toward the bed.
He falls overtop of me, damp hair dripping onto my cheek, his mouth fused with mine and feverish in a way I’ve been aching for.
Fingers slip under my shirt, my name a question. “Caspian?”
“Please,” I tell him, begging, demanding.
His mouth drops to my neck again, kisses laid across my skin as he inches my shirt higher, his towel slipping onto my leg.
I grab him by the hair, tugging his head to the side so I can see his body that’s now bared to me.
The swell of his ass cheeks. His dick hanging low, hard and swaying with his movements.
Lee huffs a laugh but doesn’t begrudge my appraisal, instead using the opportunity to kiss down to my stomach.
His ass rises with the move, and I groan, my own cock tenting my briefs with the need to be closer. Any way. Every way.
I help Lee get my shirt over my head, his mouth on my chest, tongue swirling over my nipple, his cock brushing against my thigh.
His lips find mine again, and we’re moving.
Lee pushes down my briefs. I hook my heels behind his ass.
His cock slides against my own, and his mouth, stars , his mouth and mine dance as if we’ve been doing this our whole lives.
I want to weep. Want to cry and laugh and scream at the sky that I’ve found him. I’ve found him, and he’s mine, and he will always be mine .
Lee cradles my face, his other hand gripping my hip as we rock together.
There are images in my mind. First times and nervous joy on a blanket inside a broken-down hovel of a house with only stars for a ceiling above.
A warm body under me, my hips moving to the sound of my lover whispering my love, my dear, my heart .
There are lips against my temple, soft and sweet, both in friendship and passion, then and now.
There’s a devotion in my heart I know won’t ever abate. Not for an eternity.
I roll Lee to his back, following his momentum and wrapping our cocks in my fist. His eyes are wild, pleasure spiking as I jerk us together, a shower of sparks from him to me and back again. His hand on my cheek keeps me close, our breaths mingling, a near-frantic edge to his gaze I understand.
“We have time,” I assure him, recognizing the fear on his face for what it is. The thought of losing all he’s now gained.
Lee stutters out a broken cry as he comes undone, tugging me to him, taking from my mouth as he would his next breath.
A tear slips down my cheek as I follow him over the edge.
I can practically taste the salt of it. The sea on the air.
Hear the waves, the wind through the wheat, the clink of metal. The sweetness of honey on my tongue.
Lee swallows down my sob, tucking it safely away like light curving over the horizon.
He kisses me again and again, not stopping, his body rolling over mine as he cocoons me away from the rest of the world.
There’s only him. His arms. The scent of him.
The familiarity. The resolve in his touch. The reverence in each kiss.
If this were my end, I could accept it. I could accept it knowing next time I’ll have him the same.
A yowl outside the door is what has Lee reluctantly pulling back. His eyes hold mine for long minutes, a furrow appearing and disappearing in his brow as his fingers card through my hair. His lips are red, kiss-swollen, and I have no doubt I wear a burn from his stubble on my skin.
Shelly yowls again, making her displeasure at being ignored clear, and Lee’s lips twitch into a resigned smile. “Give me a moment?”
I nod, and he scoots backwards down my body. He stops briefly, one knee still on the bed, his eyes raking over me, fire there and a promise that heats my veins. With a groan, he keeps on, ignoring the cum on his stomach and walking out the door without so much as a stitch of clothing.
I almost jog out into the hall just to watch him.
Shelly meows as Lee’s footsteps pad down the stairs.
He fills her bowl, which was certainly still half-full, the murmur of his voice sounding as if he’s scolding the feline for her impatience, his ire halfhearted at best. I take the reprieve to clean up in the bathroom, grabbing a cloth for when Lee returns.
It doesn’t take long. He steps back through the door not a minute later, his hair a beautiful mess, his eyebrow winging up when I toss the cloth his way.
It slaps against his chest before he catches it, the sound causing me to chuckle.
He wipes himself clean with an appreciative hum. “It’s even warm.”
“Modern marvels never cease.”
Lee drops the cloth off in the bathroom before coming back my way, his cock soft now but the man no less enticing.
With a deep groan, he stretches out beside me on the bed, seeming in no hurry to be anywhere else.
It’s early still. Only nine in the morning, the sun doing its best to warm us before the winter descends.
Lee’s fingers trail a pattern on my thigh, his head in his hand and a pensive frown on his face. I give him time to think, sensing he simply needs a minute. It’s no surprise when he finally speaks up. “Why do you have the visions?”
I pull in a slow breath, having wondered that many times throughout my life. Why now? Why never before? Why, as far as I can tell, never again?
“I don’t know,” I admit. “Why were you born with a heart defect?”
His eyes meet mine, gentle amusement there. “Are you saying we’re a broken set?”
“No,” I answer around a chuckle. “I just think…some things aren’t meant to be known.”
He hums, his amusement slipping away, seriousness taking its place. “Every time… Every time, it’s me?”
I nod.
“How do you know?”
“I just do,” I tell him. “I’d know you anywhere.”
He inhales a stuttered breath, his fingers rolling together before he goes back to tracing shapes on my thigh. “Why is this happening?”
A glint of metal. A sunny day.
I unglue my tongue from the roof of my mouth. “A curse,” I answer. “A gift.”
I can see the questions in his eyes, but I don’t know what to tell him. How do you tell someone they sacrificed everything for you?
“Will you share it with me?”
“Someday,” I promise.
He nods, accepting that, his forefinger writing what I think is my name. One of many I’ve been given. C-A-S-P-I-A-N .
He writes his own next, each letter drawn slowly and methodically against my skin. L-E-E .
He has no clue who he is. I can’t decide if that, too, is a gift or a curse.
We stay in bed for most of the morning, until our stomachs start to protest. Our afternoon is spent largely outside, enjoying the last of the fall weather before it’s gone. I look for the constellation I know sits high to the north.
But like every day, it’s hidden in a sky full of blinding light.
Twigs and leaves crunch underfoot as I follow Lee up the path toward the cliff where we met. He knows these trails far better than me, having been walking them for most of his life.
He wasn’t particularly happy when I packed the portable defibrillator just in case. But considering what happened last time we were here, he didn’t fight me on the decision.
My backpack bumps against me lightly, my jacket tied around my hips. The trees are a multitude of colors now, no longer only green. We take our time hiking, reaching the cliff after an hour or so.
Lee stops there, pulling out his water and sitting on the rocky ground. I do the same, the river below glinting.
“I talked to my sister yesterday.”
“Oh?” I ask, glancing at Lee’s profile. The sun lights the side of his face, making him shine golden. “Did you finally tell her about the cardiac arrest?”
He groans. “Yes. And about you.”
My pulse stutters .
Lee looks over at me, a crooked smile on his face as he squints against the sun. “She’s excited for me. It’s been a long time since I’ve dated. And…I’ve never lived with a partner before.”
It takes me a second to find my voice. “So you admit we’re living together?”
Lee barks a laugh. “Caspian, you moved all your shit in the first week. We’re obviously living together.”
I can’t stop my smile, and Lee looks amused.
He shakes his head a little, reaching for my hand, his palm warm.
“Sometimes I worry because it feels like it shouldn’t be so easy.
But then I think about you going or…or something happening to you.
I think about this changing, and it’s hard to breathe.
And I realize…it’s not easy at all. It’s complex.
And immense. And I don’t understand half of it.
But I feel safe every time you’re near. I trust that. I just wish…”
He doesn’t finish his sentence, so I prompt him. “You wish?”
“I wish I could remember.”
I don’t need to ask him what. I roll his hand in mine, looking at the lines etched into his skin. His life, this one, a small piece of who he is.
“I want to show you something,” I tell him. “When we get home.”
He looks curious but nods, and I know this is the right choice. It’s time.
Lee and I finish our hike, him showing me a few of his favorite spots. I see the trail marker that led me here. The one I glimpsed earlier this year inside my head. The memory I’d yet to live.
When we get home, it’s midafternoon. Shelly greets us at the door, the little mountain climber leaping atop Lee’s shoulder. I give her chin a scratch, understanding her immensely. I feel the urge to climb this man often.
The two of us eat a quick snack before showering. Lee’s hands on my body have my blood pooling hot in an instant. Him dropping to his knees, brown eyes gazing up at me adoringly, has my heart falling a little deeper down that unending well.
Boneless and sated, we get dressed, and I tell Lee to wait in the living room while I grab what I need. It’s been a while, years, since I last looked at the letter. Not that it matters. I have the words memorized.
The paper is thick between my fingertips, a replica print of the original. My heart aches at the sight of it. Maybe it won’t help Lee remember. But I have to try.
He’s waiting on the couch when I get downstairs, one arm up on the couch back, his leg bent on the cushion and Shelly contentedly curled in the bend. He sees the paper in my hand and sits up a little taller.
“I found this by accident,” I tell him, sitting beside the pair.
“Or…maybe I was led to it. I don’t know.
Either way, I was in high school. We went on a trip to a museum, and they had a display on queer oppression throughout history.
There was a plaque in front of this letter, explaining where it came from.
It was donated by a woman whose mother found it in the house they’d lived in, tucked away under a loose floorboard.
There was a whole bundle of them. The letters were personal, so the donor kept most of them private.
But this one…this one she shared so others could read it.
I knew the moment I first saw it. I knew exactly what it was. ”
Lee’s voice comes out ragged. “What is it? ”
I pass the memento from the museum’s gift shop over, the scrawl on its surface slanted but neat. Letting out a breath, I say, “It’s a piece of your past.”