Chapter 35
Lee
To my J,
Do you ever think of the night you had to leave, my heart? I think of it often, even as I try not to. I remember your voice telling me to turn. The haunted look in your eyes. The sound of your footsteps walking away from me. And the words you last spoke.
I spent years wondering why Catherine would not tell me where you had gone.
I thought, surely, she mustn’t know. For why else would she keep it from me?
I understand now. You were so close. So close the entire time, and if I had known, I may not have been able to resist the urge to go to you. And then what of my mother ?
You left to keep us safe. I know you did. Our love would not be accepted, no matter how right we knew it to be in our hearts.
You left to keep us alive. But I died a little more every day you were gone.
Nine years, my star.
My mother passed away in the wintertime.
The ground was cold and hard when we laid her to rest. I remember looking up at the stars and wishing with everything I had that you were with me.
I wondered if you still loved me so. I should not have doubted it, for I knew, if you were looking at the stars, you would be feeling the same.
Nine years.
Do you remember the day you returned to me? I thought it must be a dream. You looked different than my memories of you. Older. There were tears in your eyes, and I thought for certain I must be dead, too. For what else could explain you appearing before me?
Catherine knew where you were. She wrote to you when it was safe, and you came for me. You came, and together, we ran.
It’s been thirty-two years since that day, my love.
Thirty-two years tucked away in this home all our own.
I can see you now through the window, tending to our gardens, the bees flitting around your head.
A smile sits on your face, and I ache with it.
I love you more than I have ever loved another. I love you as only I can.
Wholly. Absolute.
I suspect we have many years yet left, my heart. We have not much, but we do not need it. Our roof, our hearth, our bed. It is enough. I would not change a single facet of this life we’ve shared .
I cannot claim to know what waits for us when we leave this world. But I beg of you to make the same promise you gave me that night so very long ago. No matter where, no matter when, be it swiftly that you return to me.
From now until the last star blinks its final breath,
Your beloved Abraham.
My vision blurs as the letter drops to my thigh.
I can barely breathe, my lungs refusing to cooperate, my heart held in a vise.
Caspian sets the letter aside as he crawls swiftly onto my lap, Shelly scrambling.
He settles his weight on me, his hands on the sides of my neck. His eyes are wide, fathomless blue.
“Breathe. Lee, breathe .”
I pull in a shuddering gasp, the pain of it sharp in my chest.
Caspian lets out a breath, his thumbs running soothing circles over my pulse. “Again.”
I follow his instruction, forcing my lungs to inhale. A tear slips down my cheek, and he kisses it away, tucking himself against me. I wrap my arms around him tight, my entire body shaking.
“I know.” Caspian’s voice is quiet. “I know, Lee.”
“Was that…” God, how do I even say it? “Was that…me? It felt like…”
It felt so familiar. Like a recollection of a dream. My rational mind is telling me there’s no way. It’s impossible. But my heart…
Caspian lets out the softest of sounds, a laugh almost, but not remotely cruel. It’s relief . “Yes.”
“That was you and me? I…” Christ . “Who were they?”
“Jasper and Abraham.”
“Were they the same? I mean, are we always the same?”
Caspian leans back, his thumbs rubbing the moisture off my cheeks. “No, not exactly. Think of it like…nature versus nu rture. Every person is shaped by their experiences. We’re no different.”
I shake my head slowly, the ache in my chest sharp. “They had a sad story.”
Caspian’s gaze holds mine. “Only in part.”
I imagine they’re not the only ones who went through heartache, but I can’t bring myself to ask. Not right now.
“They’re memories, aren’t they?” I realize, voicing my thought aloud. “All you’ve seen. All you will see. The…visions. They’re memories of the lives you’ve lived?”
Caspian’s expression is near anguished, even as he smiles. “Yes, they are.”
“And the future? Jesus . Actually, no. I’m not sure I can handle trying to wrap my head around non-linear time right now, so maybe don’t answer that just yet.”
He chuckles lightly, his fingers threading through my hair. It’s a soothing touch, as grounding for me as I suspect it may be for him.
“Do you always remember?”
His face falls slightly at the question, a frown pulling at his lips before he flashes a small, brave smile. “No.”
Ah, God .
“So next time…you won’t remember this?”
He shakes his head. “No. But it’s okay. I know I’ll be with you. That’s all that matters.”
The tears in my eyes spill free once more. He called it a gift. And a curse. To know all he remembers will be lost…
“Don’t.” Caspian’s tone is gentle. He kisses my cheek, one and then the other. “Don’t you see, Lee? I have nothing to fear because I know exactly what’s waiting for me.”
“Because fate decided it? ”
“No.” The one word is vehement. Sure. “Because I chose it. Chose you . And you chose me. No matter what comes between us or what tries to tear us apart, I will always find you. And I will always choose you again. Fate did not make me fall in love, Lee Donovan. You did that.”
I blink back the sting in my eyes, drawing Caspian down to fit our lips together, inhaling a shuddering breath as I try to untangle all I’m feeling.
“I’m sorry,” I rasp against his mouth. “I’m sorry I don’t remember.”
“How could you possibly? But you feel it.”
It’s not a question, yet I nod all the same. “I don’t want to forget again.”
There’s a hitch in his breath before he kisses me, harder than before. His eyes are shining when he leans back. “Remember me now, my warrior heart. It’s all you can do.”
With a lump deep in my throat, I stand, walking with Caspian in my arms toward the stairs. His legs stay around me tight, his hands tangled in my hair and his lips on mine as I feel my way toward our bedroom.
“I don’t want to lose you,” I admit, clearing the doorway.
He kisses my cheek, my nose, my lips. “You won’t. Not ever.”
“Tell me?” I beg, laying Caspian on our bed, my body draped over his. “Tell me what’s next?”
He looks up at me for a long moment, blue eyes coming to a decision. “You’re seven. You’ll meet a boy with a birthmark on his face. You’ll tell him it reminds you of a star.”
Ah, God .
“And then?”
“You’ll be best of friends. You’ll follow him everywhere he goes. You won’t understand until later what it means.”
“And you?” I ask, tugging Caspian’s shirt over his head .
“I’ll know before you do.”
My laugh is hoarse. “Of course you will.”
He unbuttons my pants, his eyes holding mine, serious and solemn. “It will be a good life, Lee. I promise.”
I don’t doubt it. How could it be anything but perfect if I have him?
My shirt clears my head, Caspian tossing it aside as my hands trail down his chest and stomach, fingers looping around his belly button, a tiny galaxy all its own. I slip back to remove his pants, his breaths visible in the rise and fall of his chest.
“Can I have you tonight?” I ask him, slipping my fingers beneath the band of his briefs and tugging. His cock bobs, and I trail my fingers along the length of it before seeking out Caspian’s gaze.
There’s a gentle smile on his face that nearly knocks me off my feet, his answer in the way he rolls to his stomach, one leg hitched up as he looks back at me. “You have me, Lee.”
I steady my breaths as I kick off my pants, underwear following. Grabbing lube, I make my way back to Caspian. He watches me with a keen gaze, not shy in the least, his eyes raking over me as mine do the same to him. Bare skin. Flushed cheeks. Eyes that seem to pierce to the very heart of me.
I wet my fingers before draping myself back over his body, my lips pressing kisses up his spine, my fingers rubbing slow circles against him.
He pushes back to meet my hand, his own on his cock, his thumb rolling over the head as I press a single digit into his body.
Tightness. Heat. The stranglehold of a muscle not yet ready to give way.
“You’re gorgeous,” I tell him, not sure if I’ve spoken the words aloud yet. “You make me desperate. In every way I could be. ”
He reaches back to circle my cock, giving me a slow stroke that has my body up in flames. “I’ve been desperate for you since the moment we met.”
I groan, nestling my nose against the warm skin at the back of his neck, pumping my finger inside of him as he lets my cock go, getting a grip on my hair instead.
He tugs gently. “Come here.”
I oblige, meeting Caspian’s lips, warm and urging, his body yielding enough for me to slip a second finger in alongside the first. He moans against my mouth, and I ache to be closer. Every piece of me closer.
“Lee.” He’s panting now, so soft and silky against my fingers, his body shaking as I aim to drive him as wild as I can before filling him with my cock. “Now. I need you inside of me now.”
“You hold my strings, don’t you?” I murmur, removing my fingers as soon as a third fits easily inside.
He doesn’t deny it, stroking his cock as I shift my hips into place, the heat of him lining my front and his hair tickling my nose, smelling almost of roses.
I press a kiss to his cheek, my cockhead resting against his ass, my hand holding myself steady. “Caspian?”
His voice is a breath. “Yeah?”
“Will you fuck me sometime? Do you like that?”
The pained moan he lets out has a grin lighting my face. “Anything you want, Lee. We can take turns. Flip. I’ll fuck you so hard you can’t walk for a week. But right now, you need to move . Before I take matters into my own hands.”
My chuckle is raspy, but it dies off the moment I press forward, my cock slipping inside the heat of Caspian’s ass.
He turns his face against the bedsheets, groaning, arching up in a silent plea for more.
I press kisses to his cheek, his neck, the freckles along his shoulder, everywhere I can reach as I work inside his body.
Three smooth strokes. Three strokes, and I’m seated fully.
We breathe out in tandem, and I reach for his hand, threading my fingers through his.
Caspian turns his face, bright red lips parted, so much trust and bliss in his expression I’m floored by it.
The first glide of my cock inside his body has a groan leaving us both.
It feels divine—of course it does—but it’s Caspian’s whispered, “More,” that has me rolling my hips again and again.
His eyes flutter closed, his face resting so peacefully against the sheets that my protective instincts flare.
There’s no giving this man up. No getting over him, not that I’d want to. We were always supposed to find our way here. I believe him in that.
There’s a word for it. One we’ve both been dancing around.
Soulmates.
Maybe this isn’t the first time I’ve fallen in love with Caspian Wilder. But it’s a first for me.
Caspian holds tight to my hand as I sink into him with languid strokes.
There’s no hurry. No rush now that we’re tied as one.
We breathe together. Move together. Bodies dancing and rutting and slick with sweat.
Caspian is murmuring words that sound like praise, like a prayer, a constant litany I let wash over me.
I catch safe and found you and no one can take it away .
I whisper my own promises. Telling him I’m not going anywhere, that neither is he, that I’ll fight for this, for him, because there’s no other option.
Minutes pass in an endless stretch, feeling like days, like a lifetime. I’m barely hanging on, afraid for this moment to shatter but moving forward nonetheless.
“Caspian,” I croak. “Tell me again. Tell me who you are to me. ”
His fingers dig against mine, blue eyes flashing. “I’m yours. Forever, Lee. I’m yours.”
With a stutter inside my chest, I wrap my hand around Caspian’s cock and watch him fall apart.
It’s beautiful, the tortured ecstasy that has him breaking to pieces all around me.
I fall with him, because for all the choices I’ll face, there’s no choice in this.
I’m pulled under, awash in a sea of stars, suspended in time, in space, in nothing and everything at once.
I can’t bear to let him go, not even for an instant, but Caspian doesn’t ask me to.
We roll to our sides, my cock slipping from his body, Caspian turning in the cage of my arms. I tuck my face to his hair and breathe, his arms wrapped around me tight, his voice soothing me, telling me it’s okay, that it’ll all be okay.
My voice is hoarse when I speak. “Will you answer something for me?”
Caspian pulls back to see my face, a small frown on his. “If I can.”
“When do we have our daughter?”
His lips press tightly together, a shimmer in his eyes he quickly blinks away. “Not for a while yet. I don’t know exactly when, but…” His fingers card through my hair, right near my temple. “You’ll have some gray.”
I let out a rough laugh. “And after that? Do we have time? Will we…will we have a long time?”
Caspian’s gaze holds mine, the softest of smiles on his face, even as a tear slips from the corner of his eye. “Yeah, Lee. We’ll have plenty of time.”
I nod, pulling him to me, Caspian’s cheek resting over the heart that beats because of him .
“Okay,” I breathe, my pulse mellowing, my eyes slipping shut to images of this man in my arms. I think I can see it. Our life. If I try, I think I can. “Yeah. Okay.”